Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Grief, Tithing, an Acceptance Letter, and our LW Update

Whew..!! It seems that I have a lot to write about today:) I guess that is what come from not blogging for a few days.

So, first off..I was Sarah's blog http://www.lifeandgrace.com/, and this post http://www.lifeandgrace.com/2013/05/a-hiatus-of-sorts.html inspired me to write about grief...so here goes...

Grief is a funny thing. Everyone has experienced it, and we all experience it in different waves, lengths, and waves. Me? I think I have experienced a different form of it...let me explain..

I don't think that I have really grieved the fact that we can't have kids. I found out that we couldn't have kids last Feb, 2012, and I think I went to work the same day. I mean, how dumb was I? I should have just taken that whole day (heck, maybe the rest of the week) off to contemplate and digest it all. Since then, there has been a bit of me that says "maybe this will be the month"..but it never is. We both can't have kids...so no one can "blame" the other one. I have PCOS, diabetes, among other things, but the main reason that i can't have them is that I really am not able to carry a baby, due to my heart/lung/breathing issues. I thought that maybe I could get a donor sperm, but like I stated earlier, the doctors in Vancouver really did say that I shouldn't risk it. That made me sad. So now, I don't know if ever really grieved properly. I mean, yes, I have let myself wallow, and have bad days, but I have never really cried over it. Is that bad? Does that mean that I really didn't want a baby? In some ways, that bothers me, but other ways, maybe that is my way of grieving. I very rarely cry in movies, i hardly cry when ppl die, and I only cry when it has to do with me (i know, selfish), and yet, this is something i haven't cried over. I don't know how or if i should go about doing this. In Sarah's blog, she wrote that for a few month after losing her daughter, she didn't listen to Christ Tomlin, she listened to Taylor Swift, she didn't pray and read her Bible, she perused Pinterest. (you will have to go directly to her blog to get the exact wording) She still loved the Lord, she still respected Him, but she did in maybe a way someone us (me included) wouldn't go about it. And that's ok. And another blogger of mine, Stacy, talks about Rachel in nearly every post. This last post she talked about a seed she saw, and it reminded her of the short time she spent with her daughter. And that's ok, too, even though I don't undrstand it. Some people probably don't understand me (us), either, and that's ok, too. So, suffice it to say, I may take a "break" to allow myself to grieve, too. Oh, I wll go to church, but  may listen to Carrie Underwood a bit more (except when I am at work, cause I have to listen to Christian music), and I may peruse Pinterest and blogs a bit more (oh, who am I kidding? I am ALWAYS perusing these on a daily basis!), and read my Bible/read Christian book a bit less (oh wait, I am ready doing/not doing that, and maybe, I will let myself KNOW that it is OK to feel and grieve for awhile.

So, tithing....I always have had a bit of a problem with tithing..I mean, I know I should do it, but I seem to have not enough faith to do it. Well, this time, I tithed my chq (YES, my American friends..I spelled that right..LOL) from the store. I didn't tithe last chq, and I really want to. Not because that is what God requires us too, but becuse I want to. He gave me this job. Hubby doesnt always tithe, but that is btwn him and God...so, i tithed. Well, I knew we were strapped (thanks to bills and groceries, but I checked our account this morning, and the bank took out $61! I have no clue why (I am going to ask them when I am done here). I mean..what the heck! EVERYTIME we tithe, something bad happens! I was really upset about it this morning! I know God is bigger than that stuff, but it still irkes me to no end! Anyway..I will still tithe on my next cheque, but it still makes me less enthustiatic about tithing.

So...the GOOD thing that happened today..I got an acceptance letter from my school saying that I have been accepted for the second year prgrm of the Human Service Diploma. I am not sure if I will go or not, but that is still pretty cool that I got accepted.
I am sorry that this is at a wierd angle:( You can read it if you enlarge it, though.
 
So, this past wknd was a long wknd in Canada. I worked on Friday and Saturday, and after work on Sat, I went to Starbucks to just relax for a bit.I had a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frap. It was really good!!!
 On Sunday, I went to church,but only for the first half, and then I left. It was still a farly nice day, so I went to the park. There were some clouds, but the sun was out, so I had a great time journalling, and catching up on my Cosmo mags;)

We had McD's for lunch/supper. We just hung out and relaxed. I watched my PVR'd shows, and then I watched THE LUCKY ONE. It was a great movie, probably one of NP's better book-to-movie movies.
 
Monday was a holiday, so we let ourselves sleep in. I slept until 10:30!! We watched movies all day, and I either was on the bed or the couch! We watched THE THREE MUSKETEERS, and LINCOLN, which were both ok. We had pancakes for supper (with eggs), and just hung out..I watched my PVR'd shows, and flipped through the channels. Hubby watched ELIZABETH and THE GOLDEN AGE, and I watched a couple of epis of ER.
That about wraps it up for now. I am taking pictures in preparation for FFTF, although I think I will do it on a Thursday this week.

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