Friday, December 28, 2012

Christmas Re-Cap

As I am writing this, I have "The Sound of Music" playing in the backround. I love that movie. I watch it all during the year, not just at Christmas.

It also started snowing (again!) today, as I was out and about. As if we need more snow!! It does look pretty, though.I am still playing Christmas music...I may even keep a few back to listen to during the year:)

Well, our Christmas wasn't the greatest, but at least it was relaxing!! We left to go to Victoria EARLY Sunday morning. After stopping for breaky at McDonald's, we hit the road by 7. We made great time, getting to Tsawassen by 11, allowing us to get the noon sailing. We barel had time to walk around, before being called to get in our cars to board the boat!! I never even got my Starbucks!! We go to his sisters about 230. We had a good half day to spend together, so that was good. We ended up going downtown Victoria to look at the Festival of Lights, and we also ended up having a free carriage ride!! I think that was the highlight!!

We came home, and had perogies, after doing some grocery shopping. I had to laugh at the amount of groceries they got...the cart was a quarter full, and they said that they had never bought so many!! They sure don't eat a lot!!! Anyway...we just had a relaxing evening..we watched Miracle on 34th ST, which was great...and we went to bed. The next morning, I got up (Hubby had gotten up before me), and I watched The Nativity Story. We just hung out for most of the day...we did go for a walk to the ocean, which was really neat. Went out to watch the lights, and when we came home Miss G (8 yrs old) told us she had gotten carsick. Lovely. We ended up watching The Polar Express, which I actualy liked. We went to bed around 11 or so, after filling up the stockings.

Miss G had thown up in the night (twice), and they still insisted that it was carsickness. I am no dummy, I was pretty sure that she had the flu. Anyway...She came down, and we all opened gifts. Hubby gave me some boots, which I had wanted, but I can't wear the knee-length boots, b/c of my legs! I exhanged them yesterday, and the ones I have I really like. I got some earrings, ear buds (which I do need), and a lovely necklace. The rest of the day kind of bombed, though, as Miss G started getting worse. We had a late (and cold) Christmas dinner, and just hung out and went to bed. K said that we should go the nxt day, which kind of bummbed us out, but we didn't what G got, so we thought it best to leave, too.

The whole next morning was awkward. K wanted us to leave, and she nearly pushed us out the door. She made us a lunch, and quickly told us goodbye. I thought the whole thing a bit awkward, but at least we did something different, and the concenus is that we will spend every Christmas with my family, if we spend it others...Hubby has fit right in with everyone, which has been a blessing. The experience of being with his sister was (as always) a bit interesting...she NEVER lets us help, she barely lets us bring/buy any food to help out. Hubby brought chocolates, and I brought cookies, and they barely acknowledged his chocolates or my cookies...i mean, how rude is that? They barely say think you for things...or acknowledge that they have rec'd something from you. G got more pressies than any child should...she has no g-rents, or aunts/uncles (other than us), so I guess her parents feel that she needs to get 12 presents. G DID however, say Thank You, which she normally doesn't do.  They doted on her hand and foot..which was annoying!! She definitely has the spoiled/only child syndrome. I have never seen a child get her way ALL the time. Anyway, despite her being sick, they kept feeding her. Nice.

Anyway...the trip home BD went ok. We got on the noon sailing again, and we got lost trying to connect to the 1 Hwy. The road was fine until Hope, and then it got nasty. We made good time, though, as we got home around 630.

I will do a quick year cap when I do my new years post...if I do one:)

Friday, December 21, 2012

A Tragic Week

Last week was a very tragic week, not just in our valley, but in North America. My heart hurt for those children and adults who were tragically killed last Friday. These are the times where I question God, ask Him why bad things happen. I hope they will heal, and in time, bring hope to others. I was alos appalled at the two other shootings in the US. I just don't understand why people would do such a thing. At the same time as the shooting at Sandy Hook was taking place, there was a stabbing of school kids in China.The world definetly needs a Saviour!!

Last Saturday, I spent over 6 hours in the kitchen, baking cookies!!I had such a fun time. I sent some of them to our neighbours, gave some to friends, and family, and then a few to the church. The rest I will take with us when we go. I actually may make another batch of gingersnaps, since they are all gone, are easy to make, and they taste yummy!!

I have been really busy the last few days. Between cooking, running errands, cleaning, and packing, I have barely touched a book, although I did start and finish the new Danielle Steel book. I actually have had a few days where I havent been feeling well, and or tired. So, last night, after my errands, I just hung out in our room and relaxed. I really needed it. I started feeling better almost immideately. Monday I spent most of the day watching Christms movies. I loved it. Tuesday, I spent most of the morning cleaning up, and getting rid of books. Wednesday, I got up early and met with my practicum supervisor. I did a few errands, drove my brother to the airport, and ran a few errands. I met up with my mom, and a friend who I hadnt seen in months. Thursday, I just ran some errands, and hubby and I spent some time doing last minute Christmas shopping. Yes, it is ALL done!!! I am not sure that I have ever been done this early. Sadly, two of hubbys pressies (which I had ordered thru eBay), and to be fair, I didn't order it until just earlier this week), won't be here for Christmas. Oh well...I have one pressie for him to unwrap, anyway. And for once, I think that hubby surprised me and bought me something that is a surprise! Ok, I do have some idea, but it is quite rare that he buys and wraps something up for me. I think last year my gift was the camer and older laptop, and another year, i saw what he got me...and another year, I knew that he would buy me the current season of ER that I wanted.

Today, I just basically lazed around, didnt get dressed until 3, and watched Christmas episodes of ER!! It was such a fun day. I then braved the weather and parking lots to grab some magazines for the trip, and of course, a trip to Starbucks!

I guess that is all for now.I am glad that we all survived the end of the world!

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Well, I really ought to be in bed, but I came on to the computer, to see if I had "won" a gift for hubby that I had bidded on, and I did:) I guess that means I have to pay it now!

This week has a been a bit blah. On Sunday night, a well-known and liked couple from my home town were killed coming back from Kamloops (I am assuming that that was where they were coming from). My family knows his dad, and one and probably more of them knew Skye. They were both teachers (she was actually my friends little boys teacher), and she was pregnant with their first baby. I don't usually get upset about things that aren't directly linked to me. But this really got me. First, anything sad that happens before Christmas is sooo, well, sad. Second, they could have been anyone of our family members driving! A and K go so often btwn the towns, and it just could have been so easily them!Well, any of us, really. I hate driving on bad roads (which these were), so now it just makes driving even more stressful. I thought about them all day Monday (which was when I heard about it) and Tuesday.

Today, I feel a bit blah. I ran out and did a few things on my own. Again. I LOVE getting out and doing stuff solo, don't get me wrong. But there are a few times when I would also love to have someone come with me. I guess the thing that ticked me off the most was that I honestly cannot remember the last time that someone called (emailed, whatever) me up and askd me SPECIFICALLY for me to come for coffee, or shopping. Yes, I will say that I have met up with people (ok, one my SIL's called me up to meet her on saturday at the mall), and that has been fun, but I guess today, I wasn't feeling the love. To be fair, I think if I had waited a few more hours, hubby would have come with me, but I had to meet up with someone to give them an Avon product that they wanted. I ended up reading at Starbucks, then I went into Chapters, and read my book from the library for a bit. I went to the pool, which was nice, but I don't like going there alone. I went to the mall, and grabbed supper,then came home. I dunno, I just don't have a lot (or even really a few) ppl that I can call up and hang with. Yes, I have my lady friends from our church, but I don't really call them up to go to the mall. I did ask two people to come with me (well, three, actually), but they were busy. I just HATE always being the one that initiates things. I mean, I know we are all busy, but so am I! I have asked one of my friends about going for coffee, even telling her to bring her kids, about 20 times, and she is always busy. Yes, Hubby and I do things together, and I love that, but I love to hang with my GF's, too!!! Ok..end of rant!!

Ok...I wanted to quickly say something about a Bible Study that we ladies at our church were doing. I hope I can explain it properly. We had been doing a video/bible study by Ray VanderLaan. He did this series from the Holy Land. Something he said really struck me...He talked about PS 23, and how "green pastures", and having "enough for now". When sheep are grazing in the Holy Land, most of the places (or at least the places we saw) were all rocks, but underneath the rocks (and around) there was grass, etc growing. They would walk from one rock, to another, feeding on the right amount of grass. This totally made me think. Even at home, my dad doesn't like to put the sheep in a HUGE amount of green pastures...why? Because they can eat too much, and either get sick or die. In fact, a lot of the time (if I am corrected) he will let the sheep graze in a field that has either just been hayed, or that maybe doesn't have a lot of green grass yet (or after the horses have been there). Anyway, I thought that was such an interesting conept..just eat enough for now. I really needed to hear that. I am so stressed with life, my marriage not being what I thought or want it to be, finances, no babies...but I think if we are given too much at a time, we get sick. We get complacent. We greedy, and fat (lol). We stop relying on God. Or we think we have it all..that we are the perfect Christian. If we SOLELY rely on Jesus for our needs, then we don't need to worry where or how they will be met. I hope this makes sense for you. It did to me.

So, I got my final grades for this semester. I got a C+, C, 2 A-'s, and one A. I felt pretty good about them.I hope next semester, I do a bit better. All in all, I think I did ok, for someone who is in her 30's has a slight learning disability, and who hasn't been to school in 20 years.

I can't remember the last time I wrote in this, so I will very quickly cap off my wknd. I am sure that when I am done, you will wonder WHY I said what I said was very people orientated.

On Thursday, and Friday,I looked after Baby. We had a fun time, as usual. On Friday night, my friend Jill came into town, and we went to Starbucks and Walmart, just like we used to do, when she lived here. Fun times. Saturday, I went to coffee with my ladies from church, the library, then I met up with my girls from school. We had a nice lunch, but it was very quick, as I only had parked for 2 hours, and i had parked 10 minutes from the restuaruant. Met up with my Sister, and sister in law at the mall. I came home, and we just hung out and had a quiet evening . Sunday, church, and then we went to the TVCO Christmas concert. We usually do that every year (but I think we skipped last year. We came home and just hung, that was my (our) wknd.

I think that is all for now....I have cancelled my specialist appt for Monday, as we really can't afford me going on a trip when we are going there again barely a week later.

My newest article is out in the Kamloops Momma Magaszine if you wanted to have a look.. Just type it in Go0glle (or look it up on F@acebook) and it will give you the URL.

If I don't write another post before Christmas, I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas with their families and friends!

Oh...we are doing things a bit different this year, as we didn't feel like puting up a tree, etc. I did find a small tree at dollar store, and i put some lights around it. That was all...oh, and i will put up my Nativivity scene tomorrow.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Warning: Harsh Post Ahead!

Well, don't say I didn't warn you. This post will probably cause a few deletions of "friends" on FB, but I really don't care.

Today, I have the case of the grumpies..partly due to hubby, partly due to our house, partly due to school (final exam is tomorrow..eek!), but partly due to childlessness. I am also anxious tonight. I hate that feeling:(

Where do I start?? First of all, I hope people don't think that I am two-faced (being nice to them on FB, and "telling them off" on here), because I really do love these ppl (in a Facebook-kind of way). I guess I am just frustrated that they are griping about seemingly frivolous things! I mean..YOU HAVE KIDS!! Enjoy them!!

One of my friends (who I have talked about before) was stating that they were celebrating her dead baby's 2nd bday. I was frustrated in seeing this, b/c THEY have someone to remember. I can;t have a cake for the day that we found out that we couldn't have kids. I was also thinking who celebrates their dead baby's birthday? Who would go that? Would it be strange if I had a party for the day that we found out we couldn't have children? Probably.Would anyone come? Probably not.

The other friend who has 4 kids already (including one adopted), is awaiting for their 5th baby from China. She was stating that she may not be able to enjoy Christmas this year, when they have a baby boy waiting in for them in China, for which they won't be able to travel to bring home until next summer. I wanted (and I kind of did) scream..YOU HAVE 4 OTHER KIDS! FREAKING ENJOY THEM!!! YOU CAN HAVE MORE KIDS (I think)! GO HAVE ANOTHER ONE! Arrrgh! I did nicely state that at least they will be able to at least hold that baby in a years' time. I dunno, maybe I am wrong. I probably am. I am being self-centered, and rude. But that is how I feel.

Yesterday, was a good day, until I went to church. I didn't go our regular service, because the morning got away from us, and hubby didn't want to go. I did studying, ran some errands...made supper. I ended up going to my SILs church. As soon as I got in, I knew it was a mistake (on one level..on another, it was a great service). There were about 200 ppl there, and about 150 of them were young kids, and the rest were pregnant moms. True Story. I was standing near no fewere than 3 pg ladies. And that was what I saw...there were probably more. I nearly left. There was a family who were sitting in front of us who clearly had more than her fair share of kids..4 kids under 4...aand she looked amazing! I actually started crying a bit..and I leaned over to her, and said "you could have warned me about the kids". She apologized. But I was still having a bit of a hard time. It's funny. There are times where being around pregnant momma's and babies doesn't phase me a bit. Then, at other times, it very nearly kills me!!  I could be having a great day...with not a care in the world, and then see a pregnant lady/or a baby in a stroller, and then have a meltdown (in my mind). It is funny how our mind works!!

This evening, I was chatting with a family member, and something they said kind of made me upset..I wont get into it, incase they read this (friends are one thing to tick members are another!!). I was just..I don't even know the word...hurt?? something she said. Again, it just made me feel inferior to myself not having kids. Yah, Yah, no one can make you feel inferior without my great quote, btw), but I just felt that I was misunderstood. Oh well. won't be the usual hoopla of decorations at our house this year. Hubby has too much of his hobby stuff laying around the house, that he isnt willing to put away, and I don't feel like a) nagging him to put it away for a few weeks, and b) I don't feel like putting it up with his stuff laying around. We also don't know our ful Christmas/NY schedule yet, as if we will be here, etc. And, I also just don't feel like hauling the stuff from our storage unit, bring it all in, put the tree up, and decorate..only to have no one come and see it (although I DO love gazing at it at night, while reading magazines, etc, so I will definitely miss that!), only to take it all down a few weeks later. We will put a few decorations up (some are already up), and outside lights (already up, thanks to hubby!), and we did put up a small Xmas tree that I found at the dollar store. I found it yesterday, and I must say, that it is really cute. I think I will go and buy some cheap ornaments to put on the tree. I may even go and get a few small decorations (more lights, rubbon, etc) to put up:) I may ask hubby to clean off the top of our entertainment unit, so that i could put up a garland, and any cards that we get. Speaking of which, we haven't gotten any yet (ok, we did get a picture card). I still plan on doing some Xmas baking, and am listening to Christmas music, and reading Christmas books/magazines. So, I havent gone entirely all - Scrooge! Oh, and I have been recording a lot of Christmas movies, in hopes of watching them starting tomorrow!!!

Last Saturday,  my SIL and I took Bebop to the Santa Clause parade. Neither of us had been, and it was really kind of fun. Bebop was pretty overwhemed by the whole thing, but it was fun to see all the participants, although, I do think that it was a bit of an advertisement Took way too many pics, and we had coffee afterwards.

I am enjoying looking after H once a week. He is such a cutie, and he knows it! But he is a good lil baby, and seems to really enjoy babysitters, which is a good thing. I usually take him for a walk..and we usually go to the library, and to Starbucks:) I actually babysat him three days this last week!! We always have a fun time!

Oh, Hubby and I went to a WHL game last Friday (not this last one, but the one before that). We had such a fun time. We very nearly went on Saturday, but we were just too tired, and couldn't really justify it in our budget. We stayed home (after Babysat H), and watched a Christmas movie.

Enough for now!!! I also want to write about a few things that we were learning in Bible Study, but it is late, and this is a long post, so I will try to post again in a few days. AS WELL as, my article in Kamloops Momma Magazine is out (digitally). I dont know how to copy and paste hyperlinks on here (ok, I tried..hope it works!) if not..please Google Kamloops Momma, or find it on FB, and you should get a link.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

I thought I was Ready....

Just a short post, as I am tired, it is late, and I have a full day tomorrow:) I hope everyone had a great long weekend. I like LW;s, but I usually always end up paying for somehow. It just seemed sooo long. I have two more crazy weeks of school, then I have nearly 6 wks off:) I am going to reward myself with drinking a lot of Christmassy drinks, reading a lot of magazines and books!! We only have one music channel on Shaw that plays Christmas music(so far).I loove just sitting with the lights off, listening to music and reading:)

School is going well. I still am having a problem with psych! Oh well. I am still getting (mainly) A's and B's, so I guess I am doing ok:). Just a couple of more tests, assignemnts, and presentations. I am really enjoying my classmates. It took a month or so to really start to get to know each other, and feel comfortable,but I can honestly say that I see most of us being friends long after our course is over.

We had a our first real big dump of snow last weekend. I think it snowed three days in a row. I still have not gotten out our winter stuff...which I will probably do tomorrow. I try to wear my shoes for as long as I can..then I switch to boots.

Had a nice date day with hubby today...went to mcd's for breakfast, then to CT, and then grocery shopping. We cleaned up the house a bit, and I had to run out to give a customer her Avon order, and we had a coffee and chat, then I came home, and hubby had made supper..yum. Watched a couple of movies, and now i am almost ready for bed.

So, on to the title of this post....

As some of you know, I have been having a hard time going to baby showers. I actually always kind of had, even before I knew we couldn't have kids...well, I try to be grown up about it sometimes, I just have to go...Well, I thought I was ready...I guess not...

To start off with, I was grumpy...and hubby didn't come to church with me...anyway..I don't really know this person very well, i mean, we are friends, but it is not like i call her up and chat..I know her parents a bit more, actually. She actually now attends another church that meets in our bldng, but they hosted it in our, i went for lunch, and came back...and I should have left again.

To be fair, she was grateful for the gift I got her, which was nice, and it was nice to hang with people...but the whole shower was just..strange...

I talked with a friend of mine who has gotten totally into health and fitness, and is frankly, a bit strange to talk now. I mean, how can you talk to someone who eats clean? Anyway, the mom was gone half the time nursing her baby, and then the brother of the dad gave this really odd speech, oh sorry, it was the dad's dad (baby's grampa). I mean, who does that? It was  Jack and Jill both genders were invited. I didn't really chat with many people, so it was just a bit awkward. So, I left. I just totally felt out of place, and I won't be going to one unles I really am friends with them, or it is family. As I get order, I just don't feel the need to go to things that I think I have to go to..i mean,why?? I can have more fun with myself sometimes. But hey, at least i went:)

Last Saturday, I went with our ladies group to a Greek restaurant here in town that I have never been was good, and the visiting was really nice.

More next time...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

It's Been a While....

Yes, it has been a few months since I have updated. I believe that the last time I updated, I hadn't even started school yet. Lot's to write about, but I will just give you the bare minimum. I will try to update a bit more..I know, I know, I always say that:)

I see that Blogger has gotten a face-lift! Not sure how I like it, yet. I actually want to try to revamp my blog, colour, style, etc. Also, I have decided to make it public. I want to meet more ladies through blogging, especially Childless Momma's like myself. But Please, won't always be nicey-nice...I will say what is on my heart, I will try not hurt ppl in the process, but I will say what I am feeling (well, obviously, with some caution). So, with that out of the way, let's get straight to the news.

First of, I love it..although right now, I am pretty tired, and getting sick of doing projects, and stuyding, I am sooo looking forward to my 1 month break at Christmas. I am going to get some Christms books from the library, and stock up for the holidays. I nearly snagged a deal at Chapters today 5$, but I decided I would be "good", and just get it another time. Ok, back to I said, I am really loving it. I am making friends, and it is a good group. I love my teacher/co-ordinator for our prgrm. She is so sweet, she really cares about us. I hope to get a job in the school system when I am out, if not, the community, if not there, we would be moving. My grades, for the most part, are pretty good. I am getting mainly A's and B's, so I can't complain. Hubby is doing great with my going ot school. He is quite proud of me, and my grades, I must say. Our house is a bit more messy, but honestly, b/c we don't have kids, I really (for the most part) don't care.I do try and have a "Sabbath" every week, but this past week, I didn't have one, which is probably why I am sooo tired. Like today, I should be doing my research paper, but I only got a good hour or two in, before calling it a day:)

I am looking after H 1 day a wk, for a bit of cash, so that helps me get my baby fix. He is 18 months, and nearly fully potty trained!!! He is such a good boy, and he loves his aunty!!!

Thanksgiving was good. We were all there, which was awesome. We had a lot of good laughs, fun, and of course, food. K planned it, and she did awesome! Mom and Dad had been on a one month sabbatical, and had just returned the Friday before. We each brought something to the table (literally!), and it worked out well. Mom and Dad   I got to hold N a lot:) Such a cutie. Won't see them at Christmas, so we enjoyed our time together. I love seeing her on F@cebook.

I did a surprise party for hubby for his milestone bday. Such fun. He was totally surprised, and even more surprised that his sister came in. More people would have made it, if they hadn't got the dreaded "Thanksgiving Cold". I got it, but not nearly has bad as Mom and V. Hubby got it bad, but he survived it. Aaand...we are sick again! Ugh! It is just a stuffy nose for now, and i hope that it stays that way!

Ok....onto my rant. I am actually debating writing this, b/c I am ranting about someone on my friends list. I feel bad, but I also just need to get this out somewhere. Granted, I have never walked through the journey she is on, but I still think they need to move on...or something.

We can't have kids. And to my knowledge, I have never been pregnant and had a miscarriage.I just WANT to know what it is like to have a pregnant. There is a grief journey for someone who has had a baby, and lost it, but not for someone like myself who will never have a baby. People tell me to "get on with it", and "just enjoy my life". Blah, blah, Ok..on to my rant..

I think I have talked about this person before. I love her story, and her daughters', don't get me wrong, she is a strong lady. But I don't think she is moving on (or even dealing with) with the loss of her daughter the way she should. She had children before, and she has had one since. Her profile picture still shows her holding her baby when she born. She goes to her daughters' grave every week. Her daughters headstone is huge..too big for anyone, let alone a baby. She talks about her daughter as she is was still alive...they decorate her daughters' grave for Christmas. The list goes on. Now, please don't get me wrong, it must be heart breaking, but where do **I** go when I am having a bad day? What do I do when I am having the baby blues? I can't talk about it, go to someones grave, or put up an ultrasound of my empty womb. Wouldn't it be creepy if I talked about my "children" as though they exsisted? The thing is, no one thinks it;s odd that she talks about her daughter as she was still alive? (ok, I guess she doesn't talk about as if she was alive, but she is most definitely part of her families every day vocabulary).

I know, this is a bit mean...actually, it is not so much about her, as it is about me. This is MY blog. I guess I just don't get it. **I** don't get it. Hubby doesn't ask me (at least not often) how I am "dealing" with it, or doing. He says that he has come to peace about not having kids. He knows that the reason that I am going to school is so that I can work with kids, as well as make a bit more money for us. Honestly, I am just so tired. Exhausted, really. I feel that sometimes I am putting on a show. Trying to explain to people why we don't have kids, and why we won't even adopt. Even talking with some of my friends this past wknd was a bit disheartening.

Well, to close off...just a few things...I got new glasses last week. I love them!! I also got my hair cut around Thanskgiving, just a bit shorter, but still. It isn't so hot. I also am writing a column for our local parenting magazine. It is from a different side of parenting, which is what they were looking for:) I am in the process of writing one for their next issue. It is only every 2 months, which works great for me:)

Before I sign off...please don't get me wrong..people shouldn't bury a child, and I have not walked their journey, so I have honestly have no clue, but I do know that if you have the children you have been given, enjoy them, and do not focus on what you have lost. That being said, I know that i am speaking to the choir (myself), so I will try to do the same...and hopefully, will not get deleted off of her friends list.

Friday, August 17, 2012

A Midsummer's Afternoon....

Thought i should update, before we get to September.

My last day of work yesterday. I thought about blowing it off, but we really need the money, and our staff field day was today (more on that later), so I also wanted to go to that.

Our Cousins reunion was a great success! I had a ton of fun holding babies, chatting with cousins I don't see often, and camping. I even spent a night in the tent alone:) (It would have been two nights, but I got chicken the first night, and slept in my parents' guest room. I got to see Norah..she's such a cutie! We spent the week going to the lake, and we also went to Wells Gray Park. We went on a bit more of a hike than we bargained for! It was a lovely hot week, and I am soo glad we went.

Last Saturday, I went to the river/park. I haven't gone this summer yet (partly due to high water, and partly due to it being chilly, and then I was just plain busy). I had a great time. I didn't want to come home. We have been terrible at going to church this summer...I think we plan to go this Sunday.

My last week of work was this week..(oh yah, i already said, and it was good...but I am glad I am done. It felt odd doing things last night for the last time..taking down my stuff on my bulletin boards, and packing my stuff to go home. It feels weird, actually. I am a bit anxious, scared of what school (and beyond) brings. I KNOW that the Lord has a plan for both of us!

Hubby and I have some good visits this week. I love talking with him. We seem to be doing really well right now. I think when we do more things together, we tend to do better in our relationship.

So, today, we had our annual Staff Day. For the last few years, they have taken a day (usually a Friday) and do something fun. (Did I mention that they pay us to do this??) Last year we went to Sun Peaks, and this year, after delays, change of plans (we were going to go to Cirque De Soleil), we ended up going horseback riding at a riding stable here in town. I didn't go..partly due to my fear of horses, it being VERY hot, and I wasn't feeling the greatest. I stayed back and chatted with the others that had already gone (they went in two groups). We had a nice picnic, that they had catered, and the stable grounds themselves were really nice (but NOT shade!). They had a reception/games room, where I sat and read...they even had washrooms:) There were animals, and some games. It was pretty hot to be playing, but we still had fun. We grabbed a drink on the way home, then I had a few errands to run. I got my hair cut/braided today. It had been bothering me for awhile, so I just decided to go and get it cut! She ended up braiding it, which I really like. Grabbed pizza on the way home, and I uploaded my pics...and just generally relaxing.

One really neat thing that happened to me last night...there is a parenting magazine that I often read, and I saw in this past issue that they were looking for a writer for their "The day in the life series" (ok, it's not called that, but it's something similar). I have often thought about writing about being a childless mama (in that magazine, and maybe in other areas). I emailed the editor, asking her about my doing a column on being a childless mama...and she LOVED the idea..soo, I will be writing for them for the year! It is a bi-monthly (every two months) magazine, so I don't have to worry about writing EVERY month...but even if I did, I wouldn't care. I am soo happy! You would have thought I had been given the moon, or something!! I was so excited that I called my mom who was in Vancouver with her friend, and I woke her up!! She was happy that I called, though.

Well, that's about it for now....trying to get my stuff for school found, and bought. Going to enjoy the next few weeks.

Friday, August 3, 2012

I Wish had the Words...

Another beautiful day from the Interior of BC!! Despite my depressing title, I am actually feeling well:) But, there are a few things I wanted to try to express some of my infertility thoughts.

First though...and update on our summer so far.

The first week of July, we went camping at Lac Le Jeune Lake..about 15-20 minutes away. We had a great time, despite the heat, and the fact that we both got burnt. His sister and her family joined us the last half of the trip, and we had a great time together. I spent the days swimming, and relaxing.. but of course, camping (esp tent camping)is a lot of work..but we came back (semi) refreshed. At least we got away. Anker had the whole week off, and I only ended up working Monday (I blew off Thursday).

While we were camping, we also gained a niece! Norah Ruth was born on July 9, and she is gorgeous! I can't wait to see her on Tuesday. My bro is a great daddy!!!

I have looked after Hayden a couple of times this summer as well. I haven't gone swimming a whole lot..really the only time was at LLJ. I usually go to one of the river parks here in town, but I don't seem to have the, I don't like going alone all the time, and Hubby doesn't like going to the beach. I did go to the TCC once a few weeks go, to enjoy the indoor swimming pool.

Things were pretty quiet until the week of our anniversary. We had planned on going to a B&B that we saw online for the weekend. Sadly, our car had issues on the Monday before, so that took a bit of money that we were planning on for the weekend. We ended up staying home, and went for supper, and spent a lazy Saturday hanging out...went for ice cream on Saturday evening..and hung out a bit on Sunday.

I think that pretty much sums up the last month or so. I didn't help with our church's VBS, and it felt a bit odd, but it was nice to have the break..I did help on the last day, however, which was nice. This wknd, we are headed to a family reunion. I will be there until Thursday, which I am looking forward to.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad day. I was already in a funk, and then it just got worse! ARRGH! I am tired of people who are my "friends" not texting, calling, facebooking, etc. I am finding that I am doing ALL the communicating, and frankly, I am getting tired of it. Even my family (ok, except my mom and my sister) don't connect with me much unless I do it first. So, I had that on my mind, then just the infertility thoughts came back. I was SO ticked that every 2nd post on FB had to do with babies, nursing, midwifing, etc. SO I deleted a bunch of people. A LOT of those people I don't know or connect with very much anyway, and some of them I did know, but I was just tired of seeing their preggo bellies, nursing/midwifing -related posts. I have to be good to myself. Only do things that I HAVE to do.. You can't ask me to do more than that.

I am tired of not having kids..tired of saying "we can't have them"..and explaining that we can't foster/adopt a baby. Although I am SO happy to be seeing my siblings/cousins, I am a bit sad, there will be 2 or 3 babies there..and one pregnant lady...sigh. It's hard to be happy for them. I want to be happy for them..I do...but then I look at us, and I feel sad...sad, b/c ever since I was a child, I have always wanted to be a mom..sad, b/c I think that God has forgotten us. Sad, b/c I LOVE babies! I want to enjoy that feeling...I want to join the "mommy gang", to swap stories of high chairs, car seats, disciplinary tactics....I wonder why (other than physically) God hasn't given us children. Does he think we would be bad parents? Would we hurt them?? Would we neglect them?? A lot of things go and run through my mind. Then, I just stop thinking about it, b/c I get sad and mad...and I focus on other things.

I am for sure going to school next month!!! I can't believe how fast this last few months have gone!! It just seems like yesterday that I was thinking about school:) I AM excited about new happenings in my (our) life. Excited to see where God leads us.

I had a dream the other night...I dreamt that I was going through a fire...with a cross on my back (I's strange..I have weird dreams lately), but I got through the fire..and even in my dream..I heard a voice (God's??) saying that HE will take us through the fire! It was totally encouraging.

I have read a few books this summer...One that I JUST finished "Secret Daughter", which was amazing. I don't normally like present-tense written books, but I am finding that I am really enjoying them as I get older. I also have read "Water for Elephants". It was ok, but not my favourite.

It looks like I will have to buy a new laptop for school. I guess I was a bit too hard on my last one, and the LCD screen broke! I think I will have enough from my Student loan to buy a laptop, since the one I have is really too small to type anything on it.

Well, I think that's all for now...I will try to update before I head off to school (less than a month now..eek!)

Oh yah..I have given my notice, and I am SO glad that I am leaving. It is such a schamozz over there...I actually don't even like going there anymore. My last day is in the middle of August.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Summer's Here!

Thought I would post a bit on what is going on.

We are FINALLY getting summer weather here. SOOO and sunny. A and I are planning on going camping for much of this week. There is a campground about a half hour away, which is perfect. We have never been to this campground before, so we are looking forward to it. This will probably be our only MAJOR camping trip this summer. We will be going to my parents early next month, and tenting, but we will be hanging out with the family for a lot of won't be doing a lot of camping meals. I have to work Mon and Thurs next week, but at least it's not far to go back and forth. We are hoping that his sister and family will come and join us.

Canada Day was pretty quiet. We didn't end up going down town, mainly b/c we didn't want to fight the crowds. We just stayed home..I went to church...and we went out for ice cream and a walk around the park, and then we saw the fireworks at night.

Last Saturday, I treated my dad to a pedicure for Father's Day. We went to Lunch at White Spot, and then ran a few errands, and had our pedicures. We both thoroughly enjoyed it. I think that's all the pedi's for me though for awhile. 2 in just over a month is more than I have had..for well, EVER!

My latest addiction, uh, I mean hobby is Pinterest. I didn't "get" it for awhile, but I started up with again a month or so, and I love it! Almost every site has a "Pin it" button, so it makes it easier to do. Anyway..just something fun to do..and I love to dream:)

I put in my application for my loan, so I hope to find out from them soon. I got a B+ as my final grade in my English Class. I was sooo happy!! I know it's not the big leagues, but at least it's a start.

Had a bit of a rough week this past week..well, just a rough couple of days. Just more baby longings, and an insensitive email from a family member. NO ONE will EVER be in the same situation as you are..NO ONE!! So, no one can ever understand your pain, or what you are going through.

We are on baby watch for L&A...her DD was July 5, so it could come any day.

I had a lovey Friday yesterday. I love Fridays. Every Friday, nearly with out fail, I go get some weekly magazines, then go to Starbucks, and journal for the week, and read my mags. It is SO fun, and sometimes the highlight of my week!! I think once school starts, it will have to be on Saturday. It was SO beautiful yesterday. After my coffee time, I had to run a few I went to the TCC pool, where I have a free pass for the summer. I was thinking that I probably should have gone to the beach, but I didn't want to fight the busy-ness. I had fun..although the water was a bit too warm...but it was nice to some excerise. I went down their water slide..twice..such fun!! It's never open when I am there, so I thought I would take advantage of it. I got my bangs trimmed, and then I got myself a Screamer, and came home, and sat outside on our green space..I read, I journalled. Just hung out for the rest of the evening...hubby was working on a project, and I made supper. We usually (but not always) have Fish and Chips on Fridays. I did a bit of a (healthier?) twist on the fish, was good.

Oh yes..last Thursday, I got to look after Hayden for a couple of hours while his mommy went to the dentist. We had SO MUCH fun!! It wasn't overly warm (there was a wind), but it was still lovely to hang out at the park. I took him on the swing, which he LOVED, I swear were there for a half hour swinging. I took him to the water park...a first for him...he didn't love it, though. I think I look after him this Friday.

We have a place where we are going to celebrate our 5th anni. We are really looking forward to that. We M cousins are going to have a reunion right after the Aug long wknd. We are very much looking forward to being together...probably the well..ever!! Looking forward to seeing everyone, and having lovely visits, and of course can't to see all the babies!!!

I was thinking (hoping??) that I was pregnant earlier in the week..I had all the signs..well, mainly the nauseous signs...but I took to PG tests, and thy were NEG! Oh well.

I got my immunisations for school the other week. I had no idea that adults were to get another MMR/Polio vaccine in their later years. (I also test NEG to being exposed to TB..yay!)

It's off to start packing...:)

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Bday news, and an update on Lucy

On my birthday, I wrote about Lucy Krull, a girl who lives in TN, USA, who is about 6(?) years old who has been fighting cancer for about 15 months. I wrote that I was sad to hear/read that it didn't look like she had much time left on this earth..well, I am here to report that while they are certainly not out of the woods yet, she is MUCH BETTER!! I was nearly crying (which I don't do often), knowing that this family would have to let go of their sweet daughter!!! SO glad that it looks like they will get to spend more time with her on this earth. Please pray, however, that she continues in this direction!

I also wanted to report on my friend D, who is 26 wks pregnant with their second baby. You may remember last year, when I was talking about Baby T, whom she lost due to a premature birth (24.5 wks). It looks like she will be deliver the baby in the next couple of weeks..please pray that she delivers the latest as possible. She is in STRICT bed rest at the hospital, and just waiting for to her deliver the baby.

Ok..on to other news...I had a great birthday. Hubs got away with not planning anything, since people from Vavenby were coming into a "Couple's Night Out" evening seminar. If you have never got a chance to hear Phil Callaway, you SHOULD!! It was a night of laughs, and provoking thoughts. Prior to that, tho, my two sets of aunts and uncles came in with two other couples (one, girl, who's bday is just a day before mine, and her hubby came in as well), so we had a great evening. I was a bit sad that mom and dad couldn't join us, but we went out aftewards for coffee:) We had a great dinner at White Spot, complete with chocolate cake!!

Last night, the girls who I go for coffee with gave me a lovely party at Montana's. We had a lot of good fun, laughter, and the food was amazing. They also gave me some really sweet gifts.

My last day of school was on Thursday. It was bitter sweet...glad that my crazy schedule is over, but sad that I won't be in a great class with some great ppl!!! I also have paid my first payment to school in the fall!!! It is all a bit daunting, but exciting at the same time.

Well, I should try and just relax for the rest of the day..just thought I will give you a quick update!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Two Little Girls....

Today my thoughts are on two precious little girls. I have been following their cancer struggles via blog. I have been following Kate's since nearly the day she was diagnosed with cancer, nearly three years ago..the other, Lucy, I guess I have been following for 15 months..I guess also since she got the diagnosis (her mom was already blogging about their family before Lucy got cancer..and she just continued on with the same blog for Lucy).

Kate is a little girl who (if I can remember correctly) is about 7 or 8. She was diagnosed with cancer June 2009. Her family has gone through extensive treatments for her...all the while praying, hoping and believing that she would fight it. It looks like she will. They have moved from AZ to CA (due to her dad's work), and I think their next move will be to wait and see if the cancer progresses or comes back. If I am reading correctly, it looks like she will make it....

Lucy, on the other hand, will not. She was diagnosed about 15 months ago, which, like Kate's family turned their lives upside down. It looked like she was doing well, and fighting it, but I went to their blog yesterday to find out that she only has weeks or even days to live. My heart is breaking for this family.

I see soo many similarities in this family....the girls are both middle (of three) children...both are from strong Christian Families, and they both have little brothers!! And they are both fighters. I can't imagine losing a sibling or a child to cancer (or anything for that matter). No parent should have to bury a child...

I don't know why God chooses to let one child live and let another just seems so wrong...questions that I will ask when I get to heaven, for sure.

Please pray for the McRae, and Krull families...Kate's Mom Holly, and Lucy's mom, Kate, both have public blogs, which I will post here for you.

Lucy's blog:
Kate's Blog : ( I think you may have to register with CB, but not totally sure...)

Friday, June 8, 2012

The Eve of my Birthday....

Just a quick(?) post, as I should be heading to bed. Tomorrow is my bday. I turn another year older. I can't believe I am the age I's odd:( But I am ok (for the most part) about my age. On the most part, I am pretty happy...fairly healthy..and looking forward to the things God has in store for us!

I am nearly done my U-Prep English course. I can't believe that it is almost over. I am really enjoying it!! I love my teacher, and I have met some new friends. I have one BIG paper (we don't have exams) due next Thursday, and a few small projects, then we are done!!! It has been pretty hard balancing school, work, house duties, and time with hubby..not to mention just time to relax (and I don't necessarily mean my "coffee" time, either). I don't know how I will do when I go to school full time in the fall. Yes, I got accepted! There are still a few conditions, but for the most part, I am in! I am soo stoked!!

Aunty June's wedding was a blast! It was a gorgeous day, and everyone had a great time! June looked amazing...and very relaxed. I think she had a great day!!

I had her bridal shower last was good, but a bit rushed..she enjoyed it anyway.

I think I will end this now..I promised you short, right?

Looking forward tomorrow..I have the whole day planned!!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What a Week!! Is it over yet?

What a week! I am so excited for the weekend. I really don't have much planned..just read, and watch some movies:)

Well, I wrote and told you what happened on Monday...well, the week just got worse!!

Not sure if I blogged about this, but around the time change, I started getting REALLY tired. I also was feeling hungry, nearly right after eating, and a few other symptoms. Well, I got some blood work done, and it came out fine (high cholesterol, but I knew that). But I was still insistant that something was wrong. He did a second round of Blood work. In the mean time, we discovered the my BiPap machine had a bit of a leak in the hose, connecting it from the water chamber, to my mask, which was probably part of the problem (after we got a new hose, I wasn't tired much anymore). Yesterday, I went to my doctor, who tells me I have Type 2 Diabetes. True Story. I mean...REALLY??? I need that like a hole in the head!!! I know it's not a big deal, but with the other stuff going on, I just didn't need it. I am already on Metformin, which is suppose to help w/ my PCOS, so that is probably why I wasn't feeling more sick. To be honest, I wasn't that surprised, but I still stressed about it. A lot. I know I shouldn't say this...but I almost wished it were something else. It's cool and "in" to get's not cool to get diabetes. That being said, Paula Dean has it, so I guess it's being talked about more now. I wasn't even going to tell my parents, but I broke down and told my dad (mom is away) tonight. He told me to be thankful that I didn't have cancer. At least Cancer wouldn't be (for the most part) my fault. Diabetes is. Anyway....that being said, I have let it digest, and settle, and I am feeling a bit better about it today. I am seeing the diabetic clinic when they decide to give me a call. I just didn't need this on top of everything else. I tried to explain this to my dad, and he just didn't get it. Oh well.

After that, I went to run a few errands..and I went to my counselling appt, where I just started crying. It was a good session, tho, and even tho I felt drained when it was over, I was glad I had gone. I ended up leaving work early last night, due to my news...I came home and I had a bath, and I did my nails:)

I also have a new addiction..Pinterest!! I love it!!!

Well, that has been my week so far!!!! I know my Lord is carrying me!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Why Do I Even Bother?

I have had a good weekend...and I am almost ready to go back to work this afternoon!!

It was a beautiful sunny weekend for most of it, which was lovely. I love sunny wknds. I even broke out my Capri's the other day!!

On Wednesday, my mom and my aunt (who is getting married May 25-her first!), came into town, and we went shopping..found her wedding dress, and found myself a pant suit...I actually like it. It is a bit snug, so I will have to try to lose a few pounds before the wedding.

So, Friday, was plans keep, ended up that I went shopping, had to cancel my hair appt, b.c my friends from out of town where coming through, and they wanted to have lunch with us. DH was a bit grumpy, as he doesn't always like to meet new ppl, but we both had a nice time. I had a few errands to run...I also found my shoes for the wedding..10 bucks..I normally don't like flats, but these were really cute...and totally went with the ensemble! I bought a few presents for my friends' kids, who's bdays I had missed, the new baby in our church, and another friends son. I love buying gifts, but i have to be careful:) Friday night we had our Mexican Fiesta at our church. Had a great night...came home and relaxed and went to bed.

Saturday, I got up early, and went for coffee to read and journal. Went grocery shopping, and then came home and cleaned the house...I attacked our bedroom and at the last minute, our kitchen junk drawer. I am sooo glad I did!!! It looks so much better now. I went back to the store to get a few things we needed for dinner. Had dinner, and watched The Iron Lady. It was pretty good.

Yesterday..I went to church alone, since DH was sick. I had to drop a few things off to people, and I had to teach Sunday School. Went for lunch with some friends, came home, relaxed, had a nap, then went to Sbux to grab my free journalled again. Watched the rest of the game (Canucks lost), and Amazing Race..went to bed and read.

Ok..that was my weekend:) It really did go, to just tackle the mountain of laundry on our bedroom floor!

So, now to the title of my post....

First of all, over the weekend, I sent a package to a dead baby. I have been reading this lady's blog for probably a year now, and we are now FB friends...she is a wonderful lady, filled with God..has 5 beautiful kids...4 on earth, and one in heaven...anyway...I spent too much money on it..for someone I hardly know, I should only spent a few bucks, but like usual, I found cute things that I thought they would like. I found a photo frame and put her name and birthdate in it, with my Scrapbook stuff. I actually enjoyed doing it. I sent it, and it cost 12 bucks to send to NH, USA. I think in all, I spent nearly $30 on Rachel. To be honest, I don't know why. I think b/c in part I really did want to send them something..b/c I was thinking of them. I have another friend (remember baby T??) who I will probably send something for his 1st bday. I think I will do something similar.. a book, a photo frame with his name and bdate on it (he was born the same day as Hayden), and maybe a stuffie. But at least it won't be as much. I don't mind sending them they are my friends. Anyway...the whole time I was doing this. I kept thinking "why..I hardly know these people". She has 4 children here on earth...I don't have any. No one sends me anything. If you lose a baby, you will always be a mom...if you lose a partner/spouse, you are a widow/er. What are you when you don't have kids? I hope this is making's probably not, and for that, I am sorry. I guess a part of me is a bit angry...and maybe a bit of self pity. for real..on to the title of my post.

I did buy a gift for the family in our church who had a part b/c I don't plan on going to the baby shower, and I didn't even know if there would be one. So, I gave them the gift yesterday. Yesterday, in the church bulletin, I see there a Gift Card shower for them. Today, I met up with my friend for coffee, and she asked me if I was planning on going..I told her no, that I am avoiding all things baby right now. She said " need to go and support need to get over it". that's easy. Well, anyway...I tried to continue to talk to her about it, but she clearly didn't get it. I told her that I needed time to grieve, to which she replied "why, you didn't lose anything". I stopped right there...I love her dearly, and I didn't want to have an argument about it. It left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. I really don't even know why I bother telling people my feelings on this topic. No one understands, and really, I don't expect them to. But they can at least not argue the point...just to let it lie..if that makes sense. They try to understand what I am going through, but they just don't (or won't) get it. I guess that is something that I will just have to try to understand...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

48 hours alone

This past Sun-Tues, I hopped the Greyhound alone (since DH wasn't able to make it), to Vancouver, as I had some DR's appts there. I actually ended up having a good time. I called DH about 25 times, so I don't think we had much time to miss each other, but it was still good to get away. I stay at this little B&B a few blocks from my appts...I love it there. I just enjoyed Sunday evening..I walked to Starbucks (of course!!), and grabbed a "coffee", and came back and had a very relaxing evening.

Monday, I got up in decent time, and I had a wonderful breakfast, and went to my appointments. I also went to Starbucks btwn the first two, waiting around to meet with my cousin and his family. We had a quick lunch, and then I went to see my Lung Specialist. He said things were going well. I then went to UBC for my Neuro appt, and she was very happy with everything. I ended up going to Whitespot for supper, mainly b/c I wanted a half decent supper, and I didn't feel like walking too far. I had a lovely supper, and enjoyed my time alone. I am one of those people that don't mind eating alone (at least not a lot). I walked back to the B&B, and just spent another night just relaxing and watching Monday night TV that I don't usually get to watch. I slept a bit better the first night. I woke up around 8 the next morning..had another wonderful breakfast, and went to London Drugs to get a few things. And of course, I stopped at Starbucks on the way back:). I packed up, and stayed until noon, since my bus didn't leave until 2. I got the Bus/Train station early, and I grabbed a drink at Mcd's, while I Facebooked. The trip home went well. I had the seat to myself most of the time. DH took me to supper at BP when I got in..sooo good!!

I am saying all this to the fact the yes, sometimes I DO like not having kids. I don't have to take them with me, or find someone to look after them. I can have a (mostly) good night's rest each and every night. I can go to Sbucks when I want, pretty much do whatever, whenever I want.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Our Worship/Young Adult Pastor and his family had a baby last week. A little boy. As I have said before, I won't be going to the shower. Well, even before she had had the baby, a lady in our church started through FB organizing meals for them. Now, I personally don't have a problem with it..I mean, when Mom had her 4 younger ones, our church pitched in, and we had meals delivered for probably a month. This is their second baby (their oldest is almost 3), and I think it is a good idea. Well, this lady asked me, and I should have not responded. To be honest, I am avoiding all things baby-related right now. Unless I absolutely have to, I won't be involved. Why? Because I need to be good to myself, and not let myself get weighed down and depressed. I did decide to participate. I don't know why...I mean, we don't even eat properly during the week, due to my work schedule, and I often don't have time to make meals for ourselves, let alone someone else. I think I may try and get out of it. Is that wrong? Maybe. I personally don't care. Maybe it's rude.

So, today, I was chatting with some ladies from our church, and I find out that the pastor has taken two weeks off! This perturbed me a bit. I mean, it would be one thing if they have 3 kids, and he was away working or something...but he is HOME..and they probably have their parents to help. Also, and I realise that you don't want to have a lot of ppl visiting right after you have a baby, but I saw pictures of some our friends at church (younger friends) visiting this family, and holding the baby. Why wasn't I asked to come over? She wasn't in church last week, either, apparently (but neither were

I was (and still am, really) in a good mood this morning, but as we were talking about this..I started getting a bit upset about it..and just generally more quiet. I decided to leave, impart b/c I really did need to get going, as I have a ton of stuff to do today, but partly b/c I was a bit upset by the whole thing. I don't know why it gets me...I mean...babies are a pain, right? They cry, wet their pants, eat too much, and generally hinder life. So, why do I want one so much? And why do I have these feelings? Why can't I just let go?? I wish DH would go for counselling with me. He doesn't seem to have the same feelings I do about it. I know he is sad, but we don't talk about it much.

Well, enough grumping for today.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What I "should" be doing...

Yes, this blog is lacking...I keep having good intentions of writing something..anything on here, but I always get too busy, or I forget...

Life has been going well..I seem to be pretty busy...running errands, helping out friends and family with their kids, going to's been good, though. We thought our car had died a couple of weeks turned out that it was only a $50 repair job/part:) Yay!!

We went to my parents' this past weekend. It was such beautiful weather. Had fun just taking pictures, eating (we always eat well there), cuddling the baby lambs, visiting...DH had a great few days off, which was very much needed.

Sunday morning, I looked after Hayden for a bit. He is such a good little baby. He is almost 1 yr old!!! She brought him over in his PJ's, and she headed off to worship practice. I fed him breakfast, got him changed and dressed..and played with him until we left for church. DH and I ended up driving their car up there, since she had left with someone else, and Hayden's seat was in already in the car. It was a neat bittersweet feeling going to church..I felt we were a family. I kept thinking "This is what we should be doing..we should have a baby (or two) going to church..arguing with the kids as to what to wear (if they're old enough), fighting with DH b/c we were late...." We got to church and Krystle mentioned that I looked harried (did I mention that doesn't play very well on his own, is a bit scared of DH right now, and has to be where you are all times?) I had to strap him in his high chair, and he watched mom get ready, while I got ready to go:) I ended up holding him in church during the service. It was a such a neat feeling...again, bittersweet, knowing that we probably wouldn't have this opportunity ourselves. I didn't cry or fact, it was a great service, and I sang my heart out, and I danced with Baby. It was a time of thinking what I "should" be doing this.

I was having some odd symptoms the other day..really hungry, and tired, and even though the chance of getting pregnant is zero to none, I asked the DR to do a quick PG test, and of course, it was negative. But for the day or so before, as I wondering, I let my mind wander to "what if". I wasn't that surprised when the MOA said that it was negative. In fact, I would have been surprised if I was:)

Honestly? I am tired..tired of trying..tired of even thinking about it...I don't even want to go to more doctors, really, although I may get in to see my OB/GYN to talk about some more options.

A lady in our church had a baby boy, and I have already decided that I won't go to the baby shower (unless it's tied in with something else). I will probably buy him something (I LOVE buying baby stuff!), but I won't go. I won't put myself through that.

Well, that is my update for now....Short and sweet, I know. But that is all I have to write about tonight.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Yaer

We never even made it until midnight last night. Hubby fell asleep on the couch, as we watched "Prince Caspian", and I went to bed shortly after. We had plans on going to church today, but we both slept in (and I never even woke up) until 10:40...that NEVER happens!!! I guess I was sleeping off my cold, and my burn (I burnt my finger the other day, and I have this HUGE blister).

There are a lot of things on my mind today...and I can't even share them w/ my hubby. I don't really know where to start, really...Christmas went well..I got sick a few days before, so that was a bit of a damper. Oh well..we had a good time, anyway..we had a white Christmas at the ranch, and it even snowed a few times. The roads were good there and back, and the car behaved..we got some nice gifts..ate yummy food, had lots of laughs...and generally had a good time. We 5 sisters spent some time together...we all got to see Hayden enjoy his first Christmas. We also stayed in the B&B cabin in the ranch. But I wouldn't say it was the best Christmas I've ever had. I think it was mainly b/c I was sick. It was certainly a lot more relaxing than previous ones, especially for Mom. We didn't have our BIG dinner on Christmas Day. Instead, we had more of a brunch, with salads, and ham. All of we kids made it, which Mom found extremely relaxing.

I still found it a bit sad, though...not having any kids of our own to share it with. I have been struggling with this for awhile...I have good days and bad days...and then really bad days..where EVERYONE on FB is pregnant (some who shouldn't be), and they are complaining about this and that...and I am left thinking "I wish I could complain about a sick child, or being sick while pregnant". I actually said something in my status awhile back that I think left a couple of friends to delete me..and one to write me an inbox message, saying that what I was saying was hostile. I should have responded back, saying that if she didn't like what I said on MY page, then they are more than free to delete me! I never did,

I am following a couple of blogs, and to be honest, it's all I can do to NOT leave a semi-nasty comment on it. But again, if I don't like what they are saying, I can leave, right? One is a woman who had a baby last year (not my friend) - actually in 2010 - who died. They knew that she would not make it, as they found out while she was pregnant that she wouldn't live. She continued on with the pregnancy (as I would have done), and Rachel (the baby) lived for nearly an hour. She got pregnant nearly right away (I have heard that you are very fertile after having a miscarriage, or after a still birth, etc), and she had a baby boy. Now, first of all, let me say that losing a baby would be awful, and I don't wish that on anyone, but I just feel that she is missing the wonderful blessing of what SOOO many other women would give their right arm for...babies!!! Did I mention that she has 4 children? I know that the blog is dedicated to her daughter, so a lot of it would be about her, and the momma's feelings about losing her daughter..but it just seems that all she does is complain about missing her daughter, and is not enjoying her other children. I know, I am being a bit harsh, as I am sure she isn't sharing ALL of her good feelings, as well.

The other blog I am following is about a BEAUTIFUL couple who have adopted a baby girl (she's nearly a year), have their own home business, but from what she writes, she doesn't seem content with her own life. They (to my knowledge) could have their own kids, they just decided to adopt first. Nearly from the time their daughter was born, the mom felt a yearning to help other orphans. Now again, don't get me wrong..I think that is a wonderful and noble thing to do. It just seems to me from her writing that she is always down about it..they were going to go to one country to do some work there, but it didn't work out, and she just got so upset over it. I know, I know..I am judging based on ONLY what I am seeing through her writing, but it just seems to me that although helping orphans, etc is a great idea, one mustn't overlook what God has already put in front of them!! I just see these people, and to me, they don't seem to content with their families:(

Anyway, I had all this in my head, and it didn't come out the way I wanted. Don't you hate that?? I have all these things in my head, and I know what I want to say, but it doesn't come out right.

Well, another year is upon us!! I have NO CLUE as to what God wants or has in store for us. I am thinking about going to school in September, to be a School and Community Support Worker. I really want to be a teachers' aid. But if that doesn't work out, then I there are other places that I could find a job. I really don't have a lot of (current) training, and until I do, I am stuck with crappy jobs like the one I have now. Since having children doesn't seem to be what God wants for us, then I want to find a job that I enjoy, and that may even be with kids. It's only a year course, and I hope to get some bursaries, and grants. Of course, I would just rather have a baby!!

Happy New Year