The One where April Can't Cry

If you're a FRIENDS fan, then you've probably seen/heard about the episode "The one where Chandler Can't Cry". It cracks me up! I am SO MUCH like him!

Some people cry during baby commercials (k, I have done this once), movies, when they see an animal in the street, weddings, babies, funerals, during church (worship, etc), etc. I do not.

Here's the thing....I can/do cry. Just at stupid things. Like when Anker and I are having a tough time (you know what I mean...money, him not spending time with me, when he gets upset, etc), or when I get into trouble (work, etc), or, when Mom talks to me, corrects me (yes, she still does it..lol), etc. You know..the Mom-talk!! I cry when it revolves around my health (sometimes...depending on what it is). Basically, I cry whenever it is about me.  I NEVER cry at movies, shows, commercials, weddings (heck, I didn't even cry at my OWN wedding!),, babies, etc. I get sad, angry, etc. Last night, hubby and I were watching Amazing Race, and the pit stop was at an orphanage in Zimabawe, and it definitely pulled at my heart strings. It even pulled on Anker's, which is something (since he is, well..a guy!)! So, please don't get me wrong, I DO have feelings. But I just don't cry. When I think I should. When people think I should. When Matt died this spring, I cried, but only at the beginning. And that was it. I didn't cry at the funeral. I didn't cry at the grave site. I felt like an idiot. Of course, I was sad. I didn't understand on why this happened to one of my oldest friends, and her/their family. I was angry, but I didn't cry. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't feel human. I didn't cry at my great aunt's funeral a few years back..actually, I don't think I have ever cried when a family member died (to be fair, most of the family members who have died were older, and I wasn't super close to them). I was really young when my grandma died, so I didn't cry then. When my grandpa died, well, he had been so sick for so long, we were so grateful that he was free from pain, etc.

 I haven't really really cried when it comes to my/infertility. I have gotten angry, and sad...but never really crying over it. It's not that I am not sad; it is quite the opposite; but it is just that again, it is a loss, another dream of mine, dying. I already had my other problems, heart, lung, PCOS, diabetes, etc, and when this happened (both Anker's DX, and my caution to never carry a baby), that, in all honesty, I was just done. When Anker got his SA DX back, we were both shocked (we now realize that it had something to do with either his liver..auto-immune disease...or Chicken pox), and very deeply sad, hurt, and angry, but I didn't cry (Anker might have, but not in front of me). I have had a few days where I have shed a tear or two over it, and have definitely felt down about it (I am in that slump right now), but never fully wept.

Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. I like to think that I am caring, and as such do have feelings. I just don't see the need to cry. I have tried, and it doesn't happened. I have. Honest. But I just can't make the tears flow.

This could stem from when I was a baby, and in the hospital for the first two years of my life. People came and went, and I just got used to it. I still have anxiety when people just up and leave (or, when I come in from a room, and they...whoever they are...aren't there). And that I know stems from people leaving my hospital room all the time. Maybe I have built a wall when it comes to certain things; loss, true feelings (however, I do cry when I am in counselling, or sometimes, when I am having a serious talk with someone). Maybe I haven't lived enough. Maybe I am just used to working extra hard for things (marriage, work, school, etc), that I am used to things not going so great, so when big things, like loss, and failure happen, I just am used to it. I DO, however, sometimes get upset, if things are extra hard...school work, a bad day, finances, etc, so it's not like I never cry when this stuff happens to me/us. I have also cried in church, during worship, though this hasn't happened often.

At any rate, that is why I can't cry. Or at last about why I can't cry.

Did God Turn Away?

As I have said before, I have a few blog posts that are going around in my head;) Right now, I will just save this, and publish it maybe on Monday. I am getting a bit tired of linking up every week, with every link up, so I might just go "solo" for a while:)

Ok...on with my post.

As we are at the start of the Remembrance Day Long Wknd, my thoughts have for obvious reasons, have turned to WW2, and the current wars being fought all over the world.

The Holocaust bothers me. It isn't that I don't think it happened. I know it did. I just don't understand why God allowed sinful men (and let's face it, women) to "take over" Europe, and in essence, did horrible things to innocent people. People were killed, pregnant women (among others) endured "experiments", families were torn apart, all in the name of what? Power? "Religion"? Because they were Jewish, homosexual, black, and who knows what else? They were starved, beaten, abused, women and young girls were taken advantage of (and probably men, too), left to stand for hours in the rain, cold, snow, and heat, all to see how "tough" they were..

Did God turn away when all of this was happening? Did He not care? Could He not stand to see the pain and hurt and the sin? The part that hurts me the most was the children that were killed. Yes, the adults, too, make me sad, but it is the children that really make me, well, mad. I don't understand. Actually, I take that back. The entire Holocaust makes me mad. NO ONE deserved to be treated like that. There were people in communities who had Concentration Camps right outside their door, and didn't do anything, nor did they care. Why did He allow so many people to die? And for what? During Pearl Harbour, the bomb on Hiroshima, among other events during the time, did God turn away? Why did innocent people get killed along with the attackers?

I KNOW God did some amazing things, and used some mighty people during the war (and course, in the wars now). Look at what Corrie and Betsey ten Boom and Irena Sendler did, among others? He used them to save thousands of children, and families, allowing them to escape, or hide in their houses. And for that, I am grateful. I know God is using people now. I know that we will hear some amazing stories in heaven about how God used people. But while we are on this earth, I just don't understand how there can be so much violence from/through war.

Did he turn away when the children of Syria had the chemical burn a few months ago? Why does He allow things like this to happen to innocent children? (Of course, there are other times in life when I don't understand God allowing kids to be hurt and neglected, and abused, but I am making this more of a war-related post, so I am just sticking with events related to that in this post)

Capture your Grief Photography Project; Days 8,9, & 10

I am determined to finish this:) I am actually on time, if I do this according to November 2013:)

As I have mentioned before, I am taking part in Carly Marie's Capture your Grief Project. This actually pertains to babies who have been lost through miscarriage, still birth, etc, but I am wanting to take part in this project as someone who has never (or will never) had a child. All too often, people focus on the baby loss, which is very important, but hardly anyone discusses or understands infertility. Just because we don't have anything to mourn, it doesn't meant that we don't mourn. If anything, it makes it harder, as we have no grave stone to visit, no box to go through, no birthday to celebrate, etc.

We are supposed to take pictures of our own, but I don't have a lot of pictures for this, so I am either using internet pics, or none at all. I have used a few pictures of my own that I am using, however. To be honest, I don't know how a person (even ones who are BLM's participating), can provide a picture for every single day. A lot of the days, while they are great subjects, don't seem to (in my mind) require a picture; I don't know how a picture would fit in..anyway..just a thought.

Ok....on with this post:)

8. Colour: What colour/s represent your baby? Why that colour/s?
Since we haven't had a child, we don't have any colours, however IF we had a girl, I would dress her in pink and purple:) A boy would be blue. Infertility Awareness colours are teal and pink.

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

There have been a few songs lately that when I hear them, I really just shut the world off and think, and pray. I am loving this one, by Lincoln Brewster. It is called Surrender. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oyHpLg32c8

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Before you take part in Day 10 please note this, I welcome everyone to join this Capture Your Grief Challenge including people of all belief systems and also those who have no beliefs at all. What I ask of you, is that you respect everyone else here. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not. If you choose to share your beliefs today, please make sure that you respect everyone else’s beliefs even if you do not agree or understand them. Do not tell anyone else that they are wrong if they do not share your own beliefs and please do not push your views onto anyone else. I am very proud to say that everyone who comes to my page are 99% of the time respectful to each other and very kind (I sometimes wonder if I am being protected by a greater force as it is so rare to have so very few problems on a social media page with 1000′s of people!). I would really love everyone to honour this request for love and respect today. We can all complete this day peacefully together. I believe this day can be a very interesting and beautiful one. Let us honour our similarities and our differences too.

Wow...this could be a long one! I will keep it short, however. I am a Christian, and when babies die, I believe they go to heaven. End of story. As adults, if you have made a conscious decision to follow Jesus, and He is your Salvation, you will go to heaven. I am not going to go into the particulars, etc, because that isn't what this project is about:)