Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Perfect Gift (I think).

Just came back from a busy day. It was fun, though..but I am super-tired. Church, then lunch out (by myself, as DH was sick), and ran a few errands, then home for an hour..then helped my brother look after Hayden while he did some errands...came home, and picked up my sister from the airport, and delivered her to my brother to take her home! The weekend went well...pretty busy, but fun, too..I baked cookies...went to see a movie, went to dinner..went to two parties on Friday..I think I am only going to work half of the week, since our boss said we could take some extra time off.

Well, I finally found the perfect gift for Baby T's mummy. It is actually the same thing that we bought for ourselves..but when I found it at another store, I realised that it would be the perfect gift. I won't say what it was, since his mummy hasn't gotten it yet (stupid Canada Post!!), but I really hope they get it soon!!! I had my Sister in law write his name, bdate, on the back..(she is a much better printer than I am!!). I ended up making her a card, b/c I didn't feel that any of the Christmas cards fit. I wanted to give them something to let them know that I am thinking of them during this time.

I was thinking of getting 8 more of the same, for my mum, as she has lost 8 babies through miscarriages...I think that even though she "just" had a miscarriage, it's a baby, and it's our sibling that we never got to meet, and I want to let her know that I will never forget, either.

Well, nothing else more to say for now..Have a great Week!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Thoughts of Baby T.

This morning, I called my friend D. to catch up, since we haven't talked for awhile. She is a BLM (Baby Loss Mama), having lost her baby boy at 23 weeks. We talked for an hour this morning, and I hope what I said was encouraging. I never really know what to say, but I try to stay away from "platitudes". I would think this Christmas would be hard for her...I was talking to another FB friend of mine, asking her if I should include T's name in the Christmas Card or not...she emailed back, saying to definitely refer to Baby T. somewhere in the card, and to also try and get him an ornament.

Well, I tried for over an hour today (actually, probably about two), to find something. I think I should go into the "Angel Baby" making business. There is NOTHING out there! I did find one, but it also said "Baby's First Christmas 2011", and I don't know if that is fitting or not.
I don't know if she will be getting a lot (or any) gifts for him...if he will have a stocking..but I wanted to give her something, to show that I am thinking of/praying for them. But what do you give to someone who's baby they have lost?? Nothing really seems to fit quite right. I was looking for an angel ornament, or SOMETHING..I even found a cute bear, and was planning on getting his name engraved, but it was too expensive. I came away from the mall kind of sad, wishing I could get them something. So, I am still looking.

I don't know what it is like to be a BLM, but I DO know what it is like to feel a sense of loss. We talked about that today, too. Neither of us want to celebrate Christmas this year. It's just another reminder that we don't have children. No kids to take to see Santa, no one to cook/bake with us, no little eyes that light up when they see the Christmas Tree, lights, or gifts. I hope that if you have someone in your life who doesn't have children, or who has recently lost a baby, that you will be sensitive to them...hug them, let them talk...love on them!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

A New Direction

I have no idea if anyone reads this blog, but I don't care. I love having an outlet where I can share. I have other ways, of course, but I like have a public place to vent and to share feelings. I am finding that Facebook is not necessarily the place to vent, and to air one's feelings.

I know it has been awhile since I have blogged, and it has been a combination of things..I really don't haven't felt like it, not really much to say, and just kind of forgetting, being busy. That being said, I have decided to go a bit of a different direction with my blogging. I will still update you on our lives, but it will be more reflective, introspective. I just want to be more real...more thought provoking, more smart!!:)

I am part of a group called "Childless Mothes", where ladies come together who don't have their own kids, and just chat about not having children in our lives. I do really like it, as it is a place to air my thoughts and feelings without judgement. I want this blog to be a bit more reflective on my (our) life without children in it. I also have been battling a bit with depression on and off for a year. I had a bought of it back in 2004, and I was on meds, but I was doing well, so I got off of them..well, I found out that I need them again:( I am doing MUCH better, but still on the meds. I will try to wean myself off of them next spring/summer.

So, last wknd, I thought I was pregnant. I was late, and I was feeling sick..I bought two PG tests, and I took the first one Friday afternoon, and it was negative. I took the next one Saturday morning, and it was negative as well. Well, I thought I would try one more time..on Sunday afternoon. I bought a more expensive one, thinking that it may be more accurate. The day was busy, church, and I looked after my nephew for a couple of hours. Well, before I even took it, I got my period:( I was sad, but I didn't cry, because I think deep down, I knew that I wasn't. I tried SO hard to not think about the "what if's", but it was fun while I did...:) So, the next morning, I was bombarded with "baby stuff". I kind of took it out on Facebook, and I guess people didn't understand, so I have decided that I won't say too much about it.

That is the other thing..when you lose a baby/child, you are still a mother, when you lose a spouse, you are still a husband/wife. Everyone is sad for you, they cry with you, they go all out to love on you...but when you can't have kids (or even chose not to), no one understands...you are not a mother, not a spouse...there is no "sorry you can't have kids" card...there really is no "childless parent" day (although I think that people have since made up a day..can't quite remember when it is, though). I am just finding it hard lately dealing with not having kids. I didn't even want to put up a tree this year..but I decided to go ahead and do it, and I am glad we did. Even on Halloween, which I am not a big fan of, was a bit hard, b/c we don't have kids. It's a different life that what I had imagined it would be for me (us), that's for sure. But, there are times where I really do love my life, too..I can just do what I want, when I want..I don't have to worry about anyone else but us...I can go to Starbucks whenever I want...shop the mall without having to worry about a little one...so I try to focus on the positives. I guess that's about all I can do.