Saturday, November 17, 2012

I thought I was Ready....

Just a short post, as I am tired, it is late, and I have a full day tomorrow:) I hope everyone had a great long weekend. I like LW;s, but I usually always end up paying for somehow. It just seemed sooo long. I have two more crazy weeks of school, then I have nearly 6 wks off:) I am going to reward myself with drinking a lot of Christmassy drinks, reading a lot of magazines and books!! We only have one music channel on Shaw that plays Christmas music(so far).I loove just sitting with the lights off, listening to music and reading:)

School is going well. I still am having a problem with psych! Oh well. I am still getting (mainly) A's and B's, so I guess I am doing ok:). Just a couple of more tests, assignemnts, and presentations. I am really enjoying my classmates. It took a month or so to really start to get to know each other, and feel comfortable,but I can honestly say that I see most of us being friends long after our course is over.

We had a our first real big dump of snow last weekend. I think it snowed three days in a row. I still have not gotten out our winter stuff...which I will probably do tomorrow. I try to wear my shoes for as long as I can..then I switch to boots.

Had a nice date day with hubby today...went to mcd's for breakfast, then to CT, and then grocery shopping. We cleaned up the house a bit, and I had to run out to give a customer her Avon order, and we had a coffee and chat, then I came home, and hubby had made supper..yum. Watched a couple of movies, and now i am almost ready for bed.

So, on to the title of this post....

As some of you know, I have been having a hard time going to baby showers. I actually always kind of had, even before I knew we couldn't have kids...well, I try to be grown up about it sometimes, I just have to go...Well, I thought I was ready...I guess not...

To start off with, I was grumpy...and hubby didn't come to church with me...anyway..I don't really know this person very well, i mean, we are friends, but it is not like i call her up and chat..I know her parents a bit more, actually. She actually now attends another church that meets in our bldng, but they hosted it in our church...so, i went for lunch, and came back...and I should have left again.

To be fair, she was grateful for the gift I got her, which was nice, and it was nice to hang with people...but the whole shower was just..strange...

I talked with a friend of mine who has gotten totally into health and fitness, and is frankly, a bit strange to talk now. I mean, how can you talk to someone who eats clean? Anyway, the mom was gone half the time nursing her baby, and then the brother of the dad gave this really odd speech, oh sorry, it was the dad's dad (baby's grampa). I mean, who does that? It was  Jack and Jill shower...so both genders were invited. I didn't really chat with many people, so it was just a bit awkward. So, I left. I just totally felt out of place, and I won't be going to one unles I really am friends with them, or it is family. As I get order, I just don't feel the need to go to things that I think I have to go to..i mean,why?? I can have more fun with myself sometimes. But hey, at least i went:)

Last Saturday, I went with our ladies group to a Greek restaurant here in town that I have never been to...it was good, and the visiting was really nice.

More next time...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

It's Been a While....

Yes, it has been a few months since I have updated. I believe that the last time I updated, I hadn't even started school yet. Lot's to write about, but I will just give you the bare minimum. I will try to update a bit more..I know, I know, I always say that:)

I see that Blogger has gotten a face-lift! Not sure how I like it, yet. I actually want to try to revamp my blog, colour, style, etc. Also, I have decided to make it public. I want to meet more ladies through blogging, especially Childless Momma's like myself. But Please, beware...it won't always be nicey-nice...I will say what is on my heart, I will try not hurt ppl in the process, but I will say what I am feeling (well, obviously, with some caution). So, with that out of the way, let's get straight to the news.

First of all...school, I love it..although right now, I am pretty tired, and getting sick of doing projects, and stuyding, I am sooo looking forward to my 1 month break at Christmas. I am going to get some Christms books from the library, and stock up for the holidays. I nearly snagged a deal at Chapters today 5$, but I decided I would be "good", and just get it another time. Ok, back to school....like I said, I am really loving it. I am making friends, and it is a good group. I love my teacher/co-ordinator for our prgrm. She is so sweet, she really cares about us. I hope to get a job in the school system when I am out, if not, the community, if not there, we would be moving. My grades, for the most part, are pretty good. I am getting mainly A's and B's, so I can't complain. Hubby is doing great with my going ot school. He is quite proud of me, and my grades, I must say. Our house is a bit more messy, but honestly, b/c we don't have kids, I really (for the most part) don't care.I do try and have a "Sabbath" every week, but this past week, I didn't have one, which is probably why I am sooo tired. Like today, I should be doing my research paper, but I only got a good hour or two in, before calling it a day:)

I am looking after H 1 day a wk, for a bit of cash, so that helps me get my baby fix. He is 18 months, and nearly fully potty trained!!! He is such a good boy, and he loves his aunty!!!

Thanksgiving was good. We were all there, which was awesome. We had a lot of good laughs, fun, and of course, food. K planned it, and she did awesome! Mom and Dad had been on a one month sabbatical, and had just returned the Friday before. We each brought something to the table (literally!), and it worked out well. Mom and Dad   I got to hold N a lot:) Such a cutie. Won't see them at Christmas, so we enjoyed our time together. I love seeing her on F@cebook.

I did a surprise party for hubby for his milestone bday. Such fun. He was totally surprised, and even more surprised that his sister came in. More people would have made it, if they hadn't got the dreaded "Thanksgiving Cold". I got it, but not nearly has bad as Mom and V. Hubby got it bad, but he survived it. Aaand...we are sick again! Ugh! It is just a stuffy nose for now, and i hope that it stays that way!

Ok....onto my rant. I am actually debating writing this, b/c I am ranting about someone on my friends list. I feel bad, but I also just need to get this out somewhere. Granted, I have never walked through the journey she is on, but I still think they need to move on...or something.

We can't have kids. And to my knowledge, I have never been pregnant and had a miscarriage.I just WANT to know what it is like to have a baby...be pregnant. There is a grief journey for someone who has had a baby, and lost it, but not for someone like myself who will never have a baby. People tell me to "get on with it", and "just enjoy my life". Blah, blah, Ok..on to my rant..

I think I have talked about this person before. I love her story, and her daughters', don't get me wrong, she is a strong lady. But I don't think she is moving on (or even dealing with) with the loss of her daughter the way she should. She had children before, and she has had one since. Her profile picture still shows her holding her baby when she born. She goes to her daughters' grave every week. Her daughters headstone is huge..too big for anyone, let alone a baby. She talks about her daughter as she is was still alive...they decorate her daughters' grave for Christmas. The list goes on. Now, please don't get me wrong, it must be heart breaking, but where do **I** go when I am having a bad day? What do I do when I am having the baby blues? I can't talk about it, go to someones grave, or put up an ultrasound of my empty womb. Wouldn't it be creepy if I talked about my "children" as though they exsisted? The thing is, no one thinks it;s odd that she talks about her daughter as she was still alive? (ok, I guess she doesn't talk about as if she was alive, but she is most definitely part of her families every day vocabulary).

I know, this is a bit mean...actually, it is not so much about her, as it is about me. This is MY blog. I guess I just don't get it. **I** don't get it. Hubby doesn't ask me (at least not often) how I am "dealing" with it, or doing. He says that he has come to peace about not having kids. He knows that the reason that I am going to school is so that I can work with kids, as well as make a bit more money for us. Honestly, I am just so tired. Exhausted, really. I feel that sometimes I am putting on a show. Trying to explain to people why we don't have kids, and why we won't even adopt. Even talking with some of my friends this past wknd was a bit disheartening.

Well, to close off...just a few things...I got new glasses last week. I love them!! I also got my hair cut around Thanskgiving, just a bit shorter, but still. It isn't so hot. I also am writing a column for our local parenting magazine. It is from a different side of parenting, which is what they were looking for:) I am in the process of writing one for their next issue. It is only every 2 months, which works great for me:)

Before I sign off...please don't get me wrong..people shouldn't bury a child, and I have not walked their journey, so I have honestly have no clue, but I do know that if you have the children you have been given, enjoy them, and do not focus on what you have lost. That being said, I know that i am speaking to the choir (myself), so I will try to do the same...and hopefully, will not get deleted off of her friends list.