Sunday, December 11, 2011

A New Direction

I have no idea if anyone reads this blog, but I don't care. I love having an outlet where I can share. I have other ways, of course, but I like have a public place to vent and to share feelings. I am finding that Facebook is not necessarily the place to vent, and to air one's feelings.

I know it has been awhile since I have blogged, and it has been a combination of things..I really don't haven't felt like it, not really much to say, and just kind of forgetting, being busy. That being said, I have decided to go a bit of a different direction with my blogging. I will still update you on our lives, but it will be more reflective, introspective. I just want to be more real...more thought provoking, more smart!!:)

I am part of a group called "Childless Mothes", where ladies come together who don't have their own kids, and just chat about not having children in our lives. I do really like it, as it is a place to air my thoughts and feelings without judgement. I want this blog to be a bit more reflective on my (our) life without children in it. I also have been battling a bit with depression on and off for a year. I had a bought of it back in 2004, and I was on meds, but I was doing well, so I got off of them..well, I found out that I need them again:( I am doing MUCH better, but still on the meds. I will try to wean myself off of them next spring/summer.

So, last wknd, I thought I was pregnant. I was late, and I was feeling sick..I bought two PG tests, and I took the first one Friday afternoon, and it was negative. I took the next one Saturday morning, and it was negative as well. Well, I thought I would try one more time..on Sunday afternoon. I bought a more expensive one, thinking that it may be more accurate. The day was busy, church, and I looked after my nephew for a couple of hours. Well, before I even took it, I got my period:( I was sad, but I didn't cry, because I think deep down, I knew that I wasn't. I tried SO hard to not think about the "what if's", but it was fun while I did...:) So, the next morning, I was bombarded with "baby stuff". I kind of took it out on Facebook, and I guess people didn't understand, so I have decided that I won't say too much about it.

That is the other thing..when you lose a baby/child, you are still a mother, when you lose a spouse, you are still a husband/wife. Everyone is sad for you, they cry with you, they go all out to love on you...but when you can't have kids (or even chose not to), no one understands...you are not a mother, not a spouse...there is no "sorry you can't have kids" card...there really is no "childless parent" day (although I think that people have since made up a day..can't quite remember when it is, though). I am just finding it hard lately dealing with not having kids. I didn't even want to put up a tree this year..but I decided to go ahead and do it, and I am glad we did. Even on Halloween, which I am not a big fan of, was a bit hard, b/c we don't have kids. It's a different life that what I had imagined it would be for me (us), that's for sure. But, there are times where I really do love my life, too..I can just do what I want, when I want..I don't have to worry about anyone else but us...I can go to Starbucks whenever I want...shop the mall without having to worry about a little one...so I try to focus on the positives. I guess that's about all I can do.

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