Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The One where April Can't Cry

If you're a FRIENDS fan, then you've probably seen/heard about the episode "The one where Chandler Can't Cry". It cracks me up! I am SO MUCH like him!

Some people cry during baby commercials (k, I have done this once), movies, when they see an animal in the street, weddings, babies, funerals, during church (worship, etc), etc. I do not.

Here's the thing....I can/do cry. Just at stupid things. Like when Anker and I are having a tough time (you know what I mean...money, him not spending time with me, when he gets upset, etc), or when I get into trouble (work, etc), or, when Mom talks to me, corrects me (yes, she still does it..lol), etc. You know..the Mom-talk!! I cry when it revolves around my health (sometimes...depending on what it is). Basically, I cry whenever it is about me.  I NEVER cry at movies, shows, commercials, weddings (heck, I didn't even cry at my OWN wedding!),, babies, etc. I get sad, angry, etc. Last night, hubby and I were watching Amazing Race, and the pit stop was at an orphanage in Zimabawe, and it definitely pulled at my heart strings. It even pulled on Anker's, which is something (since he is, well..a guy!)! So, please don't get me wrong, I DO have feelings. But I just don't cry. When I think I should. When people think I should. When Matt died this spring, I cried, but only at the beginning. And that was it. I didn't cry at the funeral. I didn't cry at the grave site. I felt like an idiot. Of course, I was sad. I didn't understand on why this happened to one of my oldest friends, and her/their family. I was angry, but I didn't cry. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't feel human. I didn't cry at my great aunt's funeral a few years back..actually, I don't think I have ever cried when a family member died (to be fair, most of the family members who have died were older, and I wasn't super close to them). I was really young when my grandma died, so I didn't cry then. When my grandpa died, well, he had been so sick for so long, we were so grateful that he was free from pain, etc.

 I haven't really really cried when it comes to my/infertility. I have gotten angry, and sad...but never really crying over it. It's not that I am not sad; it is quite the opposite; but it is just that again, it is a loss, another dream of mine, dying. I already had my other problems, heart, lung, PCOS, diabetes, etc, and when this happened (both Anker's DX, and my caution to never carry a baby), that, in all honesty, I was just done. When Anker got his SA DX back, we were both shocked (we now realize that it had something to do with either his liver..auto-immune disease...or Chicken pox), and very deeply sad, hurt, and angry, but I didn't cry (Anker might have, but not in front of me). I have had a few days where I have shed a tear or two over it, and have definitely felt down about it (I am in that slump right now), but never fully wept.

Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. I like to think that I am caring, and as such do have feelings. I just don't see the need to cry. I have tried, and it doesn't happened. I have. Honest. But I just can't make the tears flow.

This could stem from when I was a baby, and in the hospital for the first two years of my life. People came and went, and I just got used to it. I still have anxiety when people just up and leave (or, when I come in from a room, and they...whoever they are...aren't there). And that I know stems from people leaving my hospital room all the time. Maybe I have built a wall when it comes to certain things; loss, true feelings (however, I do cry when I am in counselling, or sometimes, when I am having a serious talk with someone). Maybe I haven't lived enough. Maybe I am just used to working extra hard for things (marriage, work, school, etc), that I am used to things not going so great, so when big things, like loss, and failure happen, I just am used to it. I DO, however, sometimes get upset, if things are extra hard...school work, a bad day, finances, etc, so it's not like I never cry when this stuff happens to me/us. I have also cried in church, during worship, though this hasn't happened often.

At any rate, that is why I can't cry. Or at last about why I can't cry.


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