Monday, December 3, 2012

Warning: Harsh Post Ahead!

Well, don't say I didn't warn you. This post will probably cause a few deletions of "friends" on FB, but I really don't care.

Today, I have the case of the grumpies..partly due to hubby, partly due to our house, partly due to school (final exam is tomorrow..eek!), but partly due to childlessness. I am also anxious tonight. I hate that feeling:(

Where do I start?? First of all, I hope people don't think that I am two-faced (being nice to them on FB, and "telling them off" on here), because I really do love these ppl (in a Facebook-kind of way). I guess I am just frustrated that they are griping about seemingly frivolous things! I mean..YOU HAVE KIDS!! Enjoy them!!

One of my friends (who I have talked about before) was stating that they were celebrating her dead baby's 2nd bday. I was frustrated in seeing this, b/c THEY have someone to remember. I can;t have a cake for the day that we found out that we couldn't have kids. I was also thinking who celebrates their dead baby's birthday? Who would go that? Would it be strange if I had a party for the day that we found out we couldn't have children? Probably.Would anyone come? Probably not.

The other friend who has 4 kids already (including one adopted), is awaiting for their 5th baby from China. She was stating that she may not be able to enjoy Christmas this year, when they have a baby boy waiting in for them in China, for which they won't be able to travel to bring home until next summer. I wanted (and I kind of did) scream..YOU HAVE 4 OTHER KIDS! FREAKING ENJOY THEM!!! YOU CAN HAVE MORE KIDS (I think)! GO HAVE ANOTHER ONE! Arrrgh! I did nicely state that at least they will be able to at least hold that baby in a years' time. I dunno, maybe I am wrong. I probably am. I am being self-centered, and rude. But that is how I feel.

Yesterday, was a good day, until I went to church. I didn't go our regular service, because the morning got away from us, and hubby didn't want to go. I did studying, ran some errands...made supper. I ended up going to my SILs church. As soon as I got in, I knew it was a mistake (on one level..on another, it was a great service). There were about 200 ppl there, and about 150 of them were young kids, and the rest were pregnant moms. True Story. I was standing near no fewere than 3 pg ladies. And that was what I saw...there were probably more. I nearly left. There was a family who were sitting in front of us who clearly had more than her fair share of kids..4 kids under 4...aand she looked amazing! I actually started crying a bit..and I leaned over to her, and said "you could have warned me about the kids". She apologized. But I was still having a bit of a hard time. It's funny. There are times where being around pregnant momma's and babies doesn't phase me a bit. Then, at other times, it very nearly kills me!!  I could be having a great day...with not a care in the world, and then see a pregnant lady/or a baby in a stroller, and then have a meltdown (in my mind). It is funny how our mind works!!

This evening, I was chatting with a family member, and something they said kind of made me upset..I wont get into it, incase they read this (friends are one thing to tick off..family members are another!!). I was just..I don't even know the word...hurt??...by something she said. Again, it just made me feel inferior to myself not having kids. Yah, Yah, no one can make you feel inferior without my consent..lol...(a great quote, btw), but I just felt that I was misunderstood. Oh well.

Christmas...it won't be the usual hoopla of decorations at our house this year. Hubby has too much of his hobby stuff laying around the house, that he isnt willing to put away, and I don't feel like a) nagging him to put it away for a few weeks, and b) I don't feel like putting it up with his stuff laying around. We also don't know our ful Christmas/NY schedule yet, as if we will be here, etc. And, I also just don't feel like hauling the stuff from our storage unit, bring it all in, put the tree up, and decorate..only to have no one come and see it (although I DO love gazing at it at night, while reading magazines, etc, so I will definitely miss that!), only to take it all down a few weeks later. We will put a few decorations up (some are already up), and outside lights (already up, thanks to hubby!), and we did put up a small Xmas tree that I found at the dollar store. I found it yesterday, and I must say, that it is really cute. I think I will go and buy some cheap ornaments to put on the tree. I may even go and get a few small decorations (more lights, rubbon, etc) to put up:) I may ask hubby to clean off the top of our entertainment unit, so that i could put up a garland, and any cards that we get. Speaking of which, we haven't gotten any yet (ok, we did get a picture card). I still plan on doing some Xmas baking, and am listening to Christmas music, and reading Christmas books/magazines. So, I havent gone entirely all - Scrooge! Oh, and I have been recording a lot of Christmas movies, in hopes of watching them starting tomorrow!!!

Last Saturday,  my SIL and I took Bebop to the Santa Clause parade. Neither of us had been, and it was really kind of fun. Bebop was pretty overwhemed by the whole thing, but it was fun to see all the participants, although, I do think that it was a bit of an advertisement scheme..lol. Took way too many pics, and we had coffee afterwards.

I am enjoying looking after H once a week. He is such a cutie, and he knows it! But he is a good lil baby, and seems to really enjoy babysitters, which is a good thing. I usually take him for a walk..and we usually go to the library, and to Starbucks:) I actually babysat him three days this last week!! We always have a fun time!

Oh, Hubby and I went to a WHL game last Friday (not this last one, but the one before that). We had such a fun time. We very nearly went on Saturday, but we were just too tired, and couldn't really justify it in our budget. We stayed home (after Babysat H), and watched a Christmas movie.

Enough for now!!! I also want to write about a few things that we were learning in Bible Study, but it is late, and this is a long post, so I will try to post again in a few days. AS WELL as, my article in Kamloops Momma Magazine is out (digitally). I dont know how to copy and paste hyperlinks on here http://issuu.com/kamloopsmomma/docs/kamloops_momma_issue_16.online/1 (ok, I tried..hope it works!) if not..please Google Kamloops Momma, or find it on FB, and you should get a link.

1 comment:

terbez72 said...

We are moving to Kamloops soon, so I will come over and enjoy your decorations with you :)

I do really think that you need to do something *for yourself* to honor the fact that you can't have kids. If your friend wants to make a cake for her dead baby, let her. If YOU want to make a cake (or do something else) DO IT!! It is not hurting anyone, and it is no one's business but yours. People need to find peace with their losses in any way that helps them personally; whatever that may be.