Friday, August 3, 2012

I Wish had the Words...

Another beautiful day from the Interior of BC!! Despite my depressing title, I am actually feeling well:) But, there are a few things I wanted to try to express some of my infertility thoughts.

First though...and update on our summer so far.

The first week of July, we went camping at Lac Le Jeune Lake..about 15-20 minutes away. We had a great time, despite the heat, and the fact that we both got burnt. His sister and her family joined us the last half of the trip, and we had a great time together. I spent the days swimming, and relaxing.. but of course, camping (esp tent camping)is a lot of work..but we came back (semi) refreshed. At least we got away. Anker had the whole week off, and I only ended up working Monday (I blew off Thursday).

While we were camping, we also gained a niece! Norah Ruth was born on July 9, and she is gorgeous! I can't wait to see her on Tuesday. My bro is a great daddy!!!

I have looked after Hayden a couple of times this summer as well. I haven't gone swimming a whole lot..really the only time was at LLJ. I usually go to one of the river parks here in town, but I don't seem to have the time..plus, I don't like going alone all the time, and Hubby doesn't like going to the beach. I did go to the TCC once a few weeks go, to enjoy the indoor swimming pool.

Things were pretty quiet until the week of our anniversary. We had planned on going to a B&B that we saw online for the weekend. Sadly, our car had issues on the Monday before, so that took a bit of money that we were planning on for the weekend. We ended up staying home, and went for supper, and spent a lazy Saturday hanging out...went for ice cream on Saturday evening..and hung out a bit on Sunday.

I think that pretty much sums up the last month or so. I didn't help with our church's VBS, and it felt a bit odd, but it was nice to have the break..I did help on the last day, however, which was nice. This wknd, we are headed to a family reunion. I will be there until Thursday, which I am looking forward to.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad day. I was already in a funk, and then it just got worse! ARRGH! I am tired of people who are my "friends" not texting, calling, facebooking, etc. I am finding that I am doing ALL the communicating, and frankly, I am getting tired of it. Even my family (ok, except my mom and my sister) don't connect with me much unless I do it first. So, I had that on my mind, then just the infertility thoughts came back. I was SO ticked that every 2nd post on FB had to do with babies, nursing, midwifing, etc. SO I deleted a bunch of people. A LOT of those people I don't know or connect with very much anyway, and some of them I did know, but I was just tired of seeing their preggo bellies, nursing/midwifing -related posts. I have to be good to myself. Only do things that I HAVE to do.. You can't ask me to do more than that.

I am tired of not having kids..tired of saying "we can't have them"..and explaining that we can't foster/adopt a baby. Although I am SO happy to be seeing my siblings/cousins, I am a bit sad, too...as there will be 2 or 3 babies there..and one pregnant lady...sigh. It's hard to be happy for them. I want to be happy for them..I do...but then I look at us, and I feel sad...sad, b/c ever since I was a child, I have always wanted to be a mom..sad, b/c I think that God has forgotten us. Sad, b/c I LOVE babies! I want to enjoy that feeling...I want to join the "mommy gang", to swap stories of high chairs, car seats, disciplinary tactics....I wonder why (other than physically) God hasn't given us children. Does he think we would be bad parents? Would we hurt them?? Would we neglect them?? A lot of things go and run through my mind. Then, I just stop thinking about it, b/c I get sad and mad...and I focus on other things.

I am for sure going to school next month!!! I can't believe how fast this last few months have gone!! It just seems like yesterday that I was thinking about school:) I AM excited about new happenings in my (our) life. Excited to see where God leads us.

I had a dream the other night...I dreamt that I was going through a fire...with a cross on my back (I know..it's strange..I have weird dreams lately), but I got through the fire..and even in my dream..I heard a voice (God's??) saying that HE will take us through the fire! It was totally encouraging.

I have read a few books this summer...One that I JUST finished "Secret Daughter", which was amazing. I don't normally like present-tense written books, but I am finding that I am really enjoying them as I get older. I also have read "Water for Elephants". It was ok, but not my favourite.

It looks like I will have to buy a new laptop for school. I guess I was a bit too hard on my last one, and the LCD screen broke! I think I will have enough from my Student loan to buy a laptop, since the one I have is really too small to type anything on it.

Well, I think that's all for now...I will try to update before I head off to school (less than a month now..eek!)

Oh yah..I have given my notice, and I am SO glad that I am leaving. It is such a schamozz over there...I actually don't even like going there anymore. My last day is in the middle of August.

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