Monday, April 23, 2012

Why Do I Even Bother?

I have had a good weekend...and I am almost ready to go back to work this afternoon!!

It was a beautiful sunny weekend for most of it, which was lovely. I love sunny wknds. I even broke out my Capri's the other day!!

On Wednesday, my mom and my aunt (who is getting married May 25-her first!), came into town, and we went shopping..found her wedding dress, and found myself a pant suit...I actually like it. It is a bit snug, so I will have to try to lose a few pounds before the wedding.

So, Friday, was crazy..my plans keep changing...so, anyway...it ended up that I went shopping, had to cancel my hair appt, b.c my friends from out of town where coming through, and they wanted to have lunch with us. DH was a bit grumpy, as he doesn't always like to meet new ppl, but we both had a nice time. I had a few errands to run...I also found my shoes for the wedding..10 bucks..I normally don't like flats, but these were really cute...and totally went with the ensemble! I bought a few presents for my friends' kids, who's bdays I had missed, the new baby in our church, and another friends son. I love buying gifts, but i have to be careful:) Friday night we had our Mexican Fiesta at our church. Had a great night...came home and relaxed and went to bed.

Saturday, I got up early, and went for coffee to read and journal. Went grocery shopping, and then came home and cleaned the house...I attacked our bedroom and at the last minute, our kitchen junk drawer. I am sooo glad I did!!! It looks so much better now. I went back to the store to get a few things we needed for dinner. Had dinner, and watched The Iron Lady. It was pretty good.

Yesterday..I went to church alone, since DH was sick. I had to drop a few things off to people, and I had to teach Sunday School. Went for lunch with some friends, came home, relaxed, had a nap, then went to Sbux to grab my free tea...read..and journalled again. Watched the rest of the game (Canucks lost), and Amazing Race..went to bed and read.

Ok..that was my weekend:) It really did go well..now, to just tackle the mountain of laundry on our bedroom floor!

So, now to the title of my post....

First of all, over the weekend, I sent a package to a dead baby. I have been reading this lady's blog for probably a year now, and we are now FB friends...she is a wonderful lady, filled with God..has 5 beautiful kids...4 on earth, and one in heaven...anyway...I spent too much money on it..for someone I hardly know, I should only spent a few bucks, but like usual, I found cute things that I thought they would like. I found a photo frame and put her name and birthdate in it, with my Scrapbook stuff. I actually enjoyed doing it. I sent it, and it cost 12 bucks to send to NH, USA. I think in all, I spent nearly $30 on Rachel. To be honest, I don't know why. I think b/c in part I really did want to send them something..b/c I was thinking of them. I have another friend (remember baby T??) who I will probably send something for his 1st bday. I think I will do something similar.. a book, a photo frame with his name and bdate on it (he was born the same day as Hayden), and maybe a stuffie. But at least it won't be as much. I don't mind sending them something..as they are my friends. Anyway...the whole time I was doing this. I kept thinking "why..I hardly know these people". She has 4 children here on earth...I don't have any. No one sends me anything. If you lose a baby, you will always be a mom...if you lose a partner/spouse, you are a widow/er. What are you when you don't have kids? I hope this is making sense..it's probably not, and for that, I am sorry. I guess a part of me is a bit angry...and maybe a bit of self pity.

Ok..now for real..on to the title of my post.

I did buy a gift for the family in our church who had a baby..in part b/c I don't plan on going to the baby shower, and I didn't even know if there would be one. So, I gave them the gift yesterday. Yesterday, in the church bulletin, I see there a Gift Card shower for them. Today, I met up with my friend for coffee, and she asked me if I was planning on going..I told her no, that I am avoiding all things baby right now. She said "why...you need to go and support them..you need to get over it". Umm..ok..sure...like that's easy. Well, anyway...I tried to continue to talk to her about it, but she clearly didn't get it. I told her that I needed time to grieve, to which she replied "why, you didn't lose anything". I stopped right there...I love her dearly, and I didn't want to have an argument about it. It left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. I really don't even know why I bother telling people my feelings on this topic. No one understands, and really, I don't expect them to. But they can at least not argue the point...just to let it lie..if that makes sense. They try to understand what I am going through, but they just don't (or won't) get it. I guess that is something that I will just have to try to understand...

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