Friday, June 21, 2013

SUYL-Infertilty

I am blessed to be linking up with www.kellyskornerblog.com this week to talk about infertility.

This has become a very real and sad reality for Anker and I. And this has a special place in my heart. I haven't really talked too much about our infertile journey, but there are a few posts in which I have highlighted/touched on it.

As some of you are aware, I have PCOS (if you don't know what it is, look it up), which basically causes me not to ovulate on my own. Since finding this out (for sure) in Jan 2009 (approx.), I have been on Metformin. It has eased my cycles immensely, for which I am grateful. After trying for awhile, we (or I) started wondering why I wasn't getting pregnant. We were going to get some tests going, when I got sick in March 2010. Fast forward to August 2010; we went to the BCWCH for me to get checked out and to see if whether my body could indeed carry a baby. I was thought that I was told that we could cautiously go ahead with getting pregnant. I was going to start on Clomid, but I didn't want to spend $$ we didn't have on meds, when hubs hadn't gotten some tests done yet. Fast forward to February of last year. Hubs got tests done...and sadly, we aren't able to have them on our own. I also found out that I have the CF gene (as does some of my other family members), and I am also diabetic, have high cholesterol, among other things. Doesn't quite make me candidate for mommy-to-be of the year, does it?

This past winter/spring, we started asking hubby about using a donor sperm.  Anker said that it would be ok, as long as I was healthy enough to carry/deliver a baby, and it is what I wanted. Adoption is not an option for us, and hubby doesn't really want to adopt or foster kids, which makes me sad. I don't know if I could foster kids, either. Anyway...I went to my OB/GYN, who was all for my going the SD route.  A couple of weeks later, I got a call from her, asking me to come back to discuss some things. I wasn't exactly ready for what she had to say..although I should have. She said that the doctors at BCWCH said that it would be a health risk for me to carry and deliver a baby, and my doctor said that in her good conscious and good health, she wouldn't be able to recommend me to a Fertility clinic, and for me to have a baby. This was disheartening, to say the least. I didn't cry, but I was upset. Another dream. Gone. Dead.

To be honest, I am done with even trying anymore. Life hasn't been the kindest to us (see the other days post), and we don't have the money for things a baby and child needs. I don't eve know if I would make a good mom. Anker is over 50, and has decided that he is too old be a dad, and I am too tired to try to convince him otherwise.

Everything in life (well, most things) have been a struggle. Not everything has come easy. I didn't get married at 19; I got married at 31. I am not super skinny, or even fit; I am over weight. I haven't (until now) had the best training; I went back to school at 36. I haven't really had a job where I have enjoyed going to; until now, where I am working. I love it. I have had some mean bosses (and I mean, MEAN); I would cry all the time, because I didn't want to go to work. So honestly? I am done with trying anymore...just done.

To be honest, infertility sucks. NO ONE understands what it means to have (what I call) TRUE INFERTILTIY; when you can't have kids, and aren't able to adopt. EVER. I love how some people THINK they understand; "it took us a year to get pregnant", "We stopped trying and BANG! we got pregnant"..."it was hard to get pregnant with my first, then BAM, we have 4 more with out even trying!!" People try to understand, but they can't. Some people are really good in trying to say something nice, and I really appreciate it. They try to encourage, and say they are praying for God's will for us, etc...which is very sweet.

In a world where Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook are places where people put on their pregnancy announcements, (not to mention celebs getting pregnant every 5 minutes...yes, I am looking at you K&K!!),it is hard to keep from becoming bitter. I have had to hide my PG friends' FB posts from my news feed. I don't go to baby showers, unless I absolutely have to. There are days that I am ok, and other days where it just plain sucks.

Take yesterday, for example. I got into a bit of a bad mood. I have two wonderful FB/Blogging friends...One is a BLM, and one who is an adoptive momma. One who is still missing her girl she lost nearly 3 years ago (who has 54 others, and one on the way), and one who was talking about taking her babies on an outing. And I was sad:( I wish I could have the "problem" of taking out my 2 or three small babies, or missing my girl, while pregnant with another...I haven't even had a positive PG test! I have taken many...you know..just in case:) It is always negative. I hate how I get upset and bitter at these wonderful people who are just going along on their journey.

I don't know what God has in store for us. I would love to go to Africa, or Asia, or somewhere, and work in an orphanage, and love on those babies and littles. I am praying that God shows me (us) where to go. I would love to work with kids in some capacity here as well. Which is probably partially why I turned down the job last week.

So, infertility is something that you deal with every day. Maybe not ALL the time, but yes, at some point in the day (at least for me), I think about it. There is some talk of our Health care system covering infertile treatments. You know what? I agree! Why? Because it is a disease of our Reproductive organs. Smokers who smoke for years, and get cancer get free health care. Why shouldn't infertile couples? Just my opinion. Anorexia is a disease; there is help. There is (AA)  help for alcoholics...anyway...that is a post for another day..:)

So, that is my post on infertility:) I would love to hear from any of you, especially if you are a Canadian Childless Momma!!

PS...in totally unrelated news, my Alberta (and some of BC) friends in a flood, please pray for them today. The City and a lot of AB is underwater. Hashtag # yycflood, and you will get TONS of pics:)

5 comments:

Considerer said...

A very moving post. Have you tried giving it up to God and asking Him to help you accept your childlessness? (I would assume you might have tried this, tbh) I came to a stage where I had to do that recently and give up my ideas of ever having bio children and it was utterly, soul-wrenchingly heartbreaking, but gradually I've noticed a change...I'm less bitter, less hung up on it. I've even been able to look at pregnant women and offer genuine congratulations for the news of a friend's pregnancy. It was only in His strength and not my own that this was possible, but my part was in accepting I had to give up these dreams.

Many hugs and prayers coming your way x

Nicole said...

Very heartbreaking and open post. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Kel said...

I'm sorry you've had to face such pain. I hear a lot of strength in your post, I think you are a very strong woman.

LC said...

I feel your pain, 100%. There are no words from anyone that makes it easier. :(

April said...

Although most of my pain is behind me, I will never forget it. I remember times when I would tell myself to think ourselves as a "childfree family" instead of a "childless couple". Children wouldn't make us a family because we already were one, and without children there were many things we were free to do. Praying that you find a way to fill that empty place in your heart.