Monday, August 26, 2013

Defeated and Frustrated (Misc Monday and Life Lately Link up)

Officially, I probably shouldn't blog about this, but I feel like I need to get this out. I could journal, and I will, but for some reason, since part of what I am feeling has to do with infertility, I feel like it should go on the blog.

I will do a weekly wrap up (maybe) and probably wknd wrap up (which really ties into the weekly wrap up) today or tomorrow. Maybe.

I am linking up with Carissa@Lower Case Letters, and Wild and Precious for
 
 
 
and Life Lately Link Ups.
 
I (well, we) both feel very frustrated and defeated at the moment. The plans we had aren't able to come together; I am really stressed about finding work; 4 women in our church are pregnant, even my lil brothers puppy, Ginger had her second littler of Octuplets yesterday. Darn thing is more fertile than I am:)
 
Hubby is in a bad mood, and when that happens, I don't like to be around him. He is grumpy, irritable, and generally, not pleasant to be around. Since our apartment is small (one bedroom, 700 square feet), there isn't a lot of space to get away from each other. I will often revert to going out for coffee with myself, or just out and about in general. Today, my sisters are coming into town, and I plan to spend some time with them. Yay for sister time!
 
So, back to the title of this post. I am just so tired of things not working out. I am tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I am tired of hubby having his dreams put out. I am tired of him seeing his disability, and not wanting to at least try to advance his education, so that he can get a better job. I am tired of dropping of resumes, going to interviews, only to be told that I didn't get the job. I am tired of hearing other classmates of mine getting jobs; jobs that I wanted, and even tried to get. Honestly? I am wondering if going to school was even worth it. I am tired of seeing/reading of people having fun, going on trips, adopting kids, all because they have money and a big house.
 
I know the Bible talks of wanting us to prosper,new things are coming (Isaiah 43:19), and that there is a new day dawning, but I don't see it. I want to be positive, both for myself, and for hubby, and I do say affirming things to him, and offer to help pray for the situation, but he often will rebuff (?) me, saying that he think God wants him to live at the bottom (whatever that means), and that God's promises aren't for him, and honestly, I am starting to believe him. I want to do the will of God; I want what He wants. The problem is that I don't know what He wants. I am praying (more like screaming) to Him on a nearly hourly basis as to what He wants for our lives.  I wish I knew what He wanted. I try to listen, and watch for signs (or something) as to what I am supposed to, and where I should go, job-wise, and whether or even if we should move. I have to stat paying off my SL in a couple of months, and if we don't have more income coming in by then, I don't know how or even if it will get paid, without something else either getting left behind or being eliminated.
 
All I can do is to try to lean on Him. No one else can bear this burden for me (us). They can listen and be a source of advice and a shoulder to lean on, but only God can bear this for us. HE knows what we NEED, only HE knows what is good for us. Only God can for see the future and HE knows what we need, even before asking Him. This is something that I am leaning on. Jeremiah 29:11 and the Worry Chapter in Matthew 5 have been a great comfort to me in the last few days.
 
 

6 comments:

Jessica said...

I am sorry that you are struggling with getting pregnant . I hope that God gives you a child soon. There are people who love and care about you. reach out to one of us. I will be praying for you!

Kristi said...

I came over from Life Lately, so it's my first time reading.
I'm so sorry about your fertility struggles. Nothing quite makes a woman's heart go up and down like taking test after test, hoping and not knowing.
Praying for you guys as you work through this and other struggles. Continue clinging to the God of hope and all comfort!

Beth @ Hope And Coffee said...

I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this. I don't have any advice, but I am praying for you!

Musings of a Childless Mama said...

Thank you, ladies! You are all so sweet:) Beth, I follow your blog, and you on instagram:) I love your pics! Today has been better....:) Am still frustrated, though.

April said...

Praying that you will find joy and relief during these stressful times. God is our true comfort.

Musings of a Childless Mama said...

Thanks April:) You are a sweetie!