Since this is a blog primarily about one of two things, infertility being one of them (and our life as a childless couple being the other), I thought I would actually use this post to talk about the subject, or at least on how I have been coping lately:)

It seems that every time I blog, I end up linking up with someone, which is fine, but I like to do my own things once in awhile:)

It is now 10:33 pm PST on Thursday night:) Don't worry, I didn't die or get raptured; I started this and then (as usual) got busy with other things, and then I left work. Errands. Home. Supper. Dishes. More Dishes. Laundry. TV. Remake bed (with freshly washed mattress cover). TV. Bath.

So, I am back:) I think I will make this a short post, as I am tired, and words don't seem to come as well, when I am tired.

So, back to my title of the post.

Surrender. It can make you or break you. You can love it, or you can hate it. But it is always inevitable. I am so no where I thought I would be. I thought I would be married (ok, I am married), with a few kids, and or a cool career. You know, one that would allow me fly on airplanes and sleep in hotels. I thought the man I would marry would have a good income, we would have bout a house, and a nice car, and go on a vacay or two further than a few hours away every year. That didn't happen (yet!). And you know what? That's ok. I mean, I think for the first time in our marriage (heck, maybe even in my life) that I am FINALLY saying to my God, my friends, heck, even myself, that I am for the most part, ok with where we are. You can fight it, or go with it. I think I have decided to go with it. Yes, it is hard. Harder than I thought, and our lives have been compared to others, fairly easy.

I wanted kids. I still want them. I yearn for them. I still dream of them. Of a time when someone will miracoulsy say, hey, you can the child growing inside of me, or one of thousands of scenarios that I have envisioned, but realistically, I don't think that is going to happen. Can I honestly say that it is ok? No, not yet, but I can surrender to what God wants.

Tithing is a part of surrendering. For people not familiar with tithing, it is giving a 10th of what you make to God. Even billionaires give a 10th (or more) to charity. So, for most, tithing, or charitable giving, is not a foreign concept to most. But, I digress. Tithing has always been a hard things for me. It isn't that I don't believe in it; it is just that I always seem to never have enough...or at least I don't think that I do. I don't tithe because of fear. I need that extra few bucks (or I think I do). I can always find another bill that needs to get paid, or more stuff for our house, more coffee to drink, more gas for our car, more food, etc. Also, there have been a number of times that I have tithed, and something financially has gone bad or wrong; car problems, unexpected payments that have come out, etc. So, we don't tithe for awhile after something like that. But lately, I have been convicted the last while to start tithing again. So, for the past two paycheques, I have tithed my salary. I want to surrender at least a part of my money to God.

Job Searching (or lack thereof) is surrender. I had a job interview last Friday (FYI, having a job interview at 5 pm on a long wknd is not the greatest idea). I think it went ok. Not great, but ok. I thought I would have heard back from them by now, but I haven't, so I am assuming that I didn't get it. And you know what? That's ok (well, not completely ok, but I may have a couple of other prospects). If I get it, great. If I don't, well, I know that God has something else out there for us (But please God, can you do it quickly, as I have a student loan starting the end of next month!!!).

Plans are kind of like surrendering. Hubby bday was the other day, and we had planned on going out to dinner with some friends. They cancelled (kind of) last minute. I was a little upset, but hubby didn't seem bothered by it (to be fair, we did have a big bday bash last year). I tried to invite some couples to come, but it didn't work out. I was a bit sad (mainly for him), but I decided that we would have our own time. I got him a cake, and a couple movies and we had our TV Turkey dinners and we watched hubby's tv shows. And you know what? I think I enjoyed that more than going out. And you know what else? I KNOW he did, too!

So, those have been my thoughts on surrender this week. Yes, I may still find it hard to go to baby showers, and to congratulate my pregnant friends (family is a least for the most part..I love having nieces and nephews to spoil!), but for the most part, at least lately, I have been doing ok with our infertility journey (although I gotta say, there must have been 100 babies and kids under 5 at that wedding on Saturday, so I have to admit, I was a tiny bit sad). Maybe that means that God is doing something in me (us); maybe he is working in/on me (us). Or, maybe it just means that I am growing up:)

My #1 verse (well, I have two, but this always speaks to me) is Jeremiah 29:11.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Love what it says, and I always feel better after I have read/said it.

I also love this song; I think it's from Hillsong.  The song I found on YT was by Lincoln Brewster. You can view it here.

PS...did you know that bat babies are called pups? Who knew?


Anonymous said…
Hi April, Nate's Birthday was Friday and I made him super, we had cake and just spent time together. It was just the two of us as well but that made it special.

Sounds like your husband had a great birthday as well...Happy Belated Birthday to him :)

Good luck with the interview. I hope you hear back soon :)

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