Thursday, October 3, 2013

How Great IS our God?/Fear

Please note: this is a real, raw, and slightly negative post. Please do not send me hate emails. If you don't like reading posts like this, the move on to another blog:)


I thought I am (and should) due for a  "real" blog post. You know, the one that makes you laugh and cry. The one that moves you:)

This week seems to be really crazy busy, and I have no clue as to what with or why. Next wk is going to be CRAZY! Like, if I have time to blog, I will be surprised:)

Over the wknd, I came across this video, which is one of my favourite songs. I am always moved when I sing/see/hear it. Then I got to thinking; how great IS our God? I have to admit. I have a problem. I have a hard time with how great our God is bit. I hope that it is not disrespecting Him. I am not. I just have a hard time with it. I don't see His goodness/greatness. I mean, in the every day/small things (which is of course, important, too), but nothing major (or even fairly big) has happened lately. I am still working where I am working, and no new jobs have come up. I have student loans to start paying off next month. How am I going to pay that off with what we are making now? Didn't I go to school so I could make more money?? Yah. Nice one, April. Smart girl you are!

I am stressed to the max. I haven't even gone for coffee to relax (other than yesterday with hubby) in ages. I seem to be constantly be busy, and when I am not busy, I feel guilty that I am not. I know I need to rest. In Him. And with myself (does that sound too New-Age-y??) There is constantly too much TV to watch (I **must** watch), too many books to read, Bible study to do (ahem, and read the Bible), too many magazines to read, too many errands to go. Too many place to go. Too much house to clean :)

But I am digressing (again)...Back to my point...I want to believe that God can do all things, but I just feel that He isn't. I feel like He has forgotten us. I thought that going to school would open more doors. Instead, it is (or will) open more debt. I am not making any more financially, so it is going be bad, if we don't tighten our budget. I don't know what God has in store for us. I wonder if God is even listening. Am I talking to a brick wall? Does He even care or listen? Doesn't he want the best for us?

I am tired. I want a break. I want something good, and exciting to happen. Nothing big. I don't need to go to Africa yet. I don't need to be moved across the country. I just want a decent job that I enjoy and that can help us live. We don't live richly. Yes, we buy things we probably shouldn't, but we don't buy in excess, either. I do buy magazines, and things for our house when I see cool things that would match. I do buy CD's and books, etc from work. But I, too, am careful, and try to limit on how much.

People talk about the prosperity gospel. I don't believe in it. I DO know that God wants us to be free of debt, and live within our means, and, well, have money, but I don't believe in the whole - God wants - you- to- have- lots -of -money,- and- live- like- Donald -Trump- Gospel. I just want money to buy a few things, and still have some over by the end of the month. I try to tithe, but to be honest, I don't always. I think I have talked about this before, so I won't digress about it again here.

This past wk in our Bible Study, we talked about Fear. I fear. A lot. Mainly in the what ifs, and in the unknowns. I don't like not knowing. I don't like what ifs. I don't now what God has in store. I fear that things will get worse. I fear that kids will never happen for us (actually, I really don't think they will), I fear that I will get some other medical ailment, or that hubby will. I fear that this is "as good as it gets". We haven't moved since we got married. In some ways, I feel very stagnant. Other than getting a new car, and going to school, we are pretty much the same (in the same place) as when we got married.

Sometimes, I feel so done. With life. With God. With our marriage. With people. With Facebook/blogging. I just want to go and live on an island somewhere. Alone. Well, maybe with a good book. I feel that people don't get me (us). They say things like (and I s"Aay things about us, too, "just work harder", "look for more work/another job." "Just work at whatever job (in my career) you get, so it can go on your resume"."Be glad you don't have kids, they just cost money, and they are too much work". " You don't have the money to have kids". "You shouldn't have a cat, if you can barely afford yourselves". "Just adopt." "Foster or foster to adopt". "Go on disability". "Go and move up north (or other parts of BC/Canada). "Get a new car (or fix the one you have)". Ok, we should fix our car.

And sometimes, I feel so alone. And sometimes, I don't have want to talk to people.  Because no one knows or understands or situation. So, I tend to not want to get out, or if I do, I go alone.  Sometimes, I will avoid Bible Study, or church, or ladies coffee.  When I try to speak; to tell my woes (as everyone does) I feel that people don't understand. So, I tend not to say anything. I tend to retreat.

I listen a lot of Christian music, since I work at a Christian book store. I listen to these songs. Yes, I can be (and am) encouraged by them, but at times, I wonder if this is all true? I listen/read stuff on the net. I read books, or read/hear/see testimonies, on how and what God is doing (or did) in their life. Do you have to live a life of sin before coming to Jesus to have exciting things happen to you? Wow! Where do I sign up? I am sorry that I grew up a Christian, and had a good life, and did what I was taught (most of the time). Now what? I was on Twitter the other day, on Angie Smiths page. Her sister, Emily Freeman wrote a book, called "A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art you were Made to Live". I saw the YT introduction, and while I thought it was a good intro (and probably a good book), I tweeted to Angie something like "sure this is easy to say and do if your life is going perfect." She then said I could email her. Which I think I will. But anyway, back to my point. There all these books. CD's, etc on saying on how wonderful God is, and while I KNOW and still LOVE God, I am finding it hard to believe these days. Sure, it is easy to love God, and to say and do all these things when you have money, and/or your life is perfect. Is it easy to say you love God when you only have a few dollars left in the bank? Or when you are living on pasta (thankfully, we aren't there quite yet..lol).  It is easy to write books when your life is perfect, and you have money. It is easy to write books about how God has helped/saved/restored you when/after you have lived through it. It is easy to write books on courting and marriage. AFTER you tie the knot, and are happily married. It is easy to write books on infertility. AFTER you have adopted and had (surprise!) two or three kids of your own. It is easy (ok, easier..I will be sensitive here) to talk publicly about abortion/still birth/the death of a child when you are a national Christian Speaker, and are wanted by everyone and asked to talk at numerous events. Nothing sad like that has happened to me? Can God use someone like me? Jesus, I am SCREAMING at you. Help me! Help us!

I know this is a depressing (but oh so real) post. Back to happy posts tomorrow. Promise :)

Would ya'll like a picture for TT? Sure you would!
Just Gramma and Me. I was probably about 10 or 11 here.

1 comment:

Sky-Ann @ The Little Button said...

Hi April, I read your post and was wanting to write you. First I want to say that your being honest and real with how your feeling and I think that is important.

Ok when you get up would you try something? Even if there is one small little itty bitty thing...it could be when you wake up you say I am glad for the nice weather today, etc. It does not have to be anything major or over the top but just start with one simple little thing.

I find when you worry and have those thoughts that they come true. So what I do is change them, start saying I am going to find a great job and you will find a great job!! I know it sounds silly but really this works.

Also don't worry about what others say and if you want to go to ladies group do it for your relationship with God and for fellowship. Don't retreat.

God has not forgotten you, I don't know but maybe there is a reason why your are at where you currently are. I need to get back on track with my prayer time with God but I did say a prayer for you.

Also just want to mention....I just read your newest post and seen you did Sunday school and enjoyed it!!! Sometimes when we do something for God and help someone else it takes the focus off our ourselves....I want to encourage you...so I found it hard when I was writing as I am not good with my words, asked God to help me as I want to encourage you and do not want to sound as if telling or picking your post as I do not judge God knows me well and I am not perfect!!! I think that you post is honest and respect what you share.

p.s I think God has a plan for you, it might be hard to see it in the storm but from my experience HIS plan was better than anything I thought what was best for me.

Sending a smile your way and telling you that your not alone.