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I am not sure how to title/call this, but the jist is this....I often feel like a failure to family and friends, since we found out that we are not only infertile, but that we haven't adopted/fostered kids.
I know that it is a negative/wrong feeling, but I feel like a failure just the same.
I feel like a failure as a woman.
I feel like a failure as a wife.
I feel like a failure as a daughter.
I feel like a failure as a Christian.
I feel like a failure as a friend.
I feel like a failure as a sister.
I feel like I am not normal, like I have nothing to offer, like I have nothing worthwhile to talk about. I know these are all not true, but I cannot help but think this.
I think when I feel the the failure the most is around my family...and baby showers (but I rarely go to those anymore). Especially when we are having a big family gathering, and all of the kids and grandkids are there...I just feel...left out. I can't really explain it. I feel left out, but I also feel like I didn't try hard enough. I feel like I don't measure up. I feel like I am not a complete person. Again, these are all wrong thoughts. They come from/through (social) media...what the world "thinks" we should do and be. The world makes you feel like a failure for not having kids...whether you chose not to or not.
Feeling like a failure is exhausting. It gets me down and depressed. It makes feel that I did something wrong. Or, that I am not as important, or not as loved as my other siblings. It feels like I don't measure up; like I have something more to prove. It makes me sad. And it makes feel like I have try even harder to feel like I have accomplished something. I want to make sure that I make my family proud of me/us. I want them (family and friends) to think we are "ok", and "cool".
Feeling like a failure is not an option. Because I am (we are) not a failure.