Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I am SO OVER Infertility (Fertility Matters Canada Edition).

****I am apart of a group of bloggers who/that blog on a regular basis over at Fertility Matters Canada. Neither of us get (or take) any income from doing these posts. Hop on over and take a look!!****

*****Ok, so I did my first blog post over at the site, and I missed June 13th, as I didn't have one fully ready on time. Then, I didn't have this ready in time for TODAY's deadline, soooo, this will be ready for Thursday.This is a version of a post that I did on my blog last summer...I am going to re post it, and will edit it for for Thursday.******

I am SO over infertility. There. I have said it. I am not ashamed of it, either. I hate it. And NO ONE talks about it (in general and to me). NO ONE asks how I am feeling (ok, very rarely...and it' s usually my SILs who have/are dealing with this as well). I am over infertility. And, I am pretty sure that people are over me being over at it. So, I try. I try to not dwell on the sad/bad parts. I try to think of the positive side of/to not having kids. I can sleep in, eat whatever/whenever I want...go out, spend hours at a coffee shop, at the mall..go for a drive...car rides without screaming, crying kids....the list goes on. But still...there is a tiny bit of me, a tiny part/bit of my heart that will always yearn for a baby.

My heart breaks sometimes. My heart yearns to hold my baby in my arms. My heart yearns to be called mama. My heart wishes that I was a "cool mom", doing all the "cool mom" things. I wish I were getting my child ready for school. Or having trouble getting my baby to sleep. Or having the "terrible two's" with my toddler. I wish I was involved in kid-related outings, and play-dates, and activities, but sadly, God doesn't seem to have that in store for me. There are definitely days where I feel that I have made my peace with it, and then there are other days when I am just plain tired of being infertile.

I am "over" being asked "why don't you adopt/foster?" I am over being asked if have any kids (and having to respond, "no, we can't), I am over being told "you will make a great aunty". I am over being the only oldest child of we three (there are two sets of kids...three older, 4 younger) kids who don't have kids. I am over feeling like a failure. I am over people asking us if we have kids. I am over feeling like I am not at peace with it (on the days when I don't feel at peace with it!!). I am over being sad that we don't have kids. I am over people not understanding infertility; how we feel, telling us to "get over" it; telling us that we don't want to be parents bad enough, if we aren't fostering/adopting; the list goes on. I am over having health issues, that even if could get pregnant, would overextend me.

I may be "over" infertility, but I also think that I am over it :) I feel like I am (most of the time) at peace with not having kids. Or, at least that I have come to a point where I am not as stressed or sad about not having kids.


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