Thursday, April 11, 2013

Panic, Stress and Fear.

The above feelings have been evoking me the last few days. As I near the end of my school year, quite frankly, I am scared. I am scared that I won't like my job (if i even get a job) when I get one. I am scared that I won't get a job, or not enough hours. I am panicked, b/c we need money..like YESTERDAY! I am very serious about going back to my old job that I had for nearly two years a couple of mornings a week, just to get some money to pay for our bills. I hated it, and I totally felt stuck being there, but it was quick and pretty easy money, and I am thinking of going back on my terms...salary, days, hours, time off if/when I need it, especially if I another casual position comes along. Those would be my conditions. I will go and check it out next week.

I am scared that I will have forgotten everything that I have learned (actually, I think I already have..lol). I am stressed about finishing school, and getting a good passing grade. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I KNOW God wanted me to go school, but that fear/panic/stress just keeps popping up. My big fear is that I get into a job (casual or otherwise) and really hate it. I have been in MANY jobs that I have hated...i have cried over the wknd, b/c I have hated the job so much. I want to start making a difference in people's lives. I want to start doing something that I enjoy. But what if I don't? What if the situation doesn't fit with my life? What if I get less than what I made my old job (trust me...I have seen a job where they were paying $9.62/hour for a 24 hour shift). I hope that the job I have is one that I can at least fairly enjoy doing:)

Also...another thing on my mind is that I wonder where God wants us. Does he want us here? Somewhere else in Canada? In another Country? Does he want me in a big role or in a small role? Does he want my hubby to get involved (working in a orphage overseas, for example)? I want to do and go where He wants. I say "I" because (not to sound ultra-feminisistic), I will most likely be making more money than hubby. He can get a job pretty much wherever we move to, so the move would be based on my work. Neither of us want to move, but if a job opens up somewhere, then I hope that that would work out for us. But as for the plans right now, we are staying here, but hopefully, we will move somewhere else in the summer.

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