Friday, January 31, 2014

Darkness

I will do a FOF/Random 5 Friday later today. For now, though, I wanted to talk a little about what I am (we) are going through. I was reading on a few of the blogs that I follow, and two of them were talking about walking through darkness.

I love the quote that I saw on Leanne's blog.

"Sometimes one has to walk through the often complete darkness of grief to embrace the light of joy to be found in challenging circumstances. Feeling that grief does not diminish the joy one feels at the end. In fact embracing the grief enables one to experience the joy more fully. Yet for some they see acknowledgement of the darkness as a detractor from the joy. If only they could understand that the darkness of night makes the sunrise stunning."

She and her husband have been going through a dark time since they found out their son has autism. In another blog I was reading, Brantley was talking about adding another child to their family. First, they were going to adopt again, and then they went through a year and a half with trying to get pregnant. There are others blogs that I frequent as well....a lot of them have children with special needs; a few other have lost babies, and are pregnant again. They are dealing with the joy in their grief. 
What I am trying to say, I guess, is that we are all going through our own darkness. It looks different to others. It may not even look like darkness to others reading/observing it. One person is dealing with infertility, others are dealing with severe financial problems (oh, wait, that's us!!) Other people are dealing with a loss of a baby, or sickness, or the loss of a loved one. 
We have been going through our own darkness. Loss of jobs, EI, unemployment, and of course infertility (although we aren't even trying or thinking of TTC right now..mainly because we can't) have all been our darkness lately. Honestly, it sucks. Big time. I try to stay positive. I try to not let others know (even from some of my family members) on/of what is going on. I am trying to be positive on FB as well, and even on our blog. It is hard. Our marriage is suffering big time. We DID have a date ystrdy, but those are few and far btwn lately. I actually started crying last night. I can't hold on any longer. I can't be strong for much longer. I am tired. I am sleeping in A LOT lately. I don't think it has much to do with my going to bed late/being a night owl, and not a morning person (although I don't like getting up earlier than 8 am!). My spiritual life is suffering. I go to church, but not every Sunday. When I do go, I sit in the balcony, and I play on my phone. I will often leave as soon as church is over, instead of talking to people. I am tired of pretending be positive with everyone. Pretending that life is ok. That we are doing awesome (altho I know some ppl in our church know that we aren't doing well). So, that is partly why I am staying at home and not connecting like I know I should. I do connect still, just not as much I used to. I do pray still. A LOT. 
I know good things have been happening. We got two gift cards, people are taking us out for meals, and my aunt is helping when and where she can. I am grateful, I am (we are), but I want a job, I want to make a difference in this world. I want to find something that is fulfilling for me. 
I don't know what God has in store for us. I don't know the end of the story; the end of this chapter. I am frustrated, but I am also excited. I know God is showing us something. I am trying to see it, but it is hard through the darkness. I am trying to see the goodness in the little things; the daily things that happen.
God is in control. I am trying to see this. Daily. Hourly. 

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