Saturday, February 6, 2016

When Grief Comes like a Flood

This is another one of those posts that have been title-only, and I have been wanting write this since before Christmas. Yes, it's raw and real...but fear not..there will be some "fluffy" posts coming soon!

Grief is a funny thing. It comes in waves. I was on my 4 days off, when this title/post came to me. I was having a really tough day. I was REALLY down, and I am RARELY super down on my days off. It was just a tough day all around...in the evening, I finally chalked it up to (at least in part) our infertility. I was sad that we couldn't have kids. Sad that we had been "dealt" this hand of cards. Sad that our life was just us and our cat(s). Sad that I will never know it is like be called "mom". Just sad in general.

The thing with infertility (like most losses, and yes, it is a loss), is that you are fine (well, mostly "fine") with it for a few weeks, or even months at a time, then suddenly, something will happen, and you will have a off day; and feel sorry for yourself. It comes like a flash flood....a wave. It almost paralyzes you. It isn't fun to experience. You feel that there is no way out...that no one understands. Then, after a few hours (thankfully, the real hard part only lasts a few hours or maybe a day or so), it will pass, and you can get back to your regularly-scheduled life. And that's ok. I am allowing myself to feel that. I don't want to to take over me. To cripple me. I have been there (depression) a few times, and it is not fun. But for a few hours, or a day, I will let myself be sad, and then I will usually snap out of it. If it gets really bad, I will go to some of the infertility groups on Facebook, or I will talk with one of sisters, or mom. Sometimes, I talk with hubby...but he usually doesn't help me too much...lol. Sometimes, hubby is pretty good at reading me...and although I will usually have to say something, he can usually tell...and will try to say something encouraging.

So....to top it off....grief sucks. Infertility sucks. But, God is Bigger!!! And I try to cling to that! He is Bigger than Grief, and Infertility. He knows what I need/want before I ask Him! He may not give me what I desire, but he WILL give me with what I NEED! Do I/we need a child? No. Do I/we need His Grace, and Mercy? Umm...YES!!!! I NEED God's Strength every day, every day (to quote and in the voice of Chandler from FRIENDS)! I am thankful that He gives me what I need...not what I want.

2 comments:

Nonnie said...

I just don't think men understand the loss as much as women do. I do know the loving husband does encourage as best he can, but I just don't think he understands fully. I'm sorry. I hear your pain. But I'm glad you won't let yourself sink into the mire and not let God comfort you. You know He is your greatest need and that is good.

The A Team said...

Thank you, Nonnie, for visiting! I definitely have my good and bad days. I do try to let God comfort me in times of grief. It isn't easy.