This is another one of those posts that have been title-only, and I have been wanting write this since before Christmas. Yes, it's raw and real...but fear not..there will be some "fluffy" posts coming soon!
Grief is a funny thing. It comes in waves. I was on my 4 days off, when this title/post came to me. I was having a really tough day. I was REALLY down, and I am RARELY super down on my days off. It was just a tough day all around...in the evening, I finally chalked it up to (at least in part) our infertility. I was sad that we couldn't have kids. Sad that we had been "dealt" this hand of cards. Sad that our life was just us and our cat(s). Sad that I will never know it is like be called "mom". Just sad in general.
The thing with infertility (like most losses, and yes, it is a loss), is that you are fine (well, mostly "fine") with it for a few weeks, or even months at a time, then suddenly, something will happen, and you will have a off day; and feel sorry for yourself. It comes like a flash flood....a wave. It almost paralyzes you. It isn't fun to experience. You feel that there is no way out...that no one understands. Then, after a few hours (thankfully, the real hard part only lasts a few hours or maybe a day or so), it will pass, and you can get back to your regularly-scheduled life. And that's ok. I am allowing myself to feel that. I don't want to to take over me. To cripple me. I have been there (depression) a few times, and it is not fun. But for a few hours, or a day, I will let myself be sad, and then I will usually snap out of it. If it gets really bad, I will go to some of the infertility groups on Facebook, or I will talk with one of sisters, or mom. Sometimes, I talk with hubby...but he usually doesn't help me too much...lol. Sometimes, hubby is pretty good at reading me...and although I will usually have to say something, he can usually tell...and will try to say something encouraging.
So....to top it off....grief sucks. Infertility sucks. But, God is Bigger!!! And I try to cling to that! He is Bigger than Grief, and Infertility. He knows what I need/want before I ask Him! He may not give me what I desire, but he WILL give me with what I NEED! Do I/we need a child? No. Do I/we need His Grace, and Mercy? Umm...YES!!!! I NEED God's Strength every day, every day (to quote and in the voice of Chandler from FRIENDS)! I am thankful that He gives me what I need...not what I want.