One of the exciting that has happened to me in the last while was that I was contacted by Fertility Matters Canada/IAAC to do some blogging for them for their new website. Well, "contacted by" them isn't really true...they asked on their Facebook Page if any Canadian bloggers who blogged about infertility would like to blog on/for their website. I contacted them almost right away. It took awhile, but they finally got back to me. When I first got the email, a week or so ago, I wasn't sure if my blog was really what they wanted, so I didn't respond. Then, the ED emailed me, and asked if she could call me, to talk about blogging. We chatted the next day, and I told her about my blog, and a bit of our story. She seemed really excited about it, and she took a look over my blog, and thought that it is what they are looking for. I was hoping that it would be a paying gig, but, alas, it is only volunteer, but hey, it gets my blog and name, and more importantly, this cause out there, so I am still happy!!! She wants me to blog about every month or so to start, and we will see on how it goes from there. She liked what I had written a few weeks ago, so I thought that I would start with this post, but do some editing of it. So, without further ado, here goes. I expect Huffington Post to contact me any day now :)
Grief is a funny thing. It comes in waves. A a couple of months back, I was having a really tough day. I was
REALLY down, and I am RARELY super down on my days off. It was just a
tough day all around...in the evening, I finally chalked it up to (at
least in part) our infertility. I was sad that we couldn't have kids.
Sad that we had been "dealt" this hand of cards. Sad that our life was
just us and our cat(s). Sad that I will never know it is like be called
"mom". Just sad in general.
The thing with infertility
(like most losses, and yes, it is a loss), is that you are fine (well,
mostly "fine") with it for a few weeks, or even months at a time, then
suddenly, something will happen, and you will have a off day; and feel
sorry for yourself. It comes like a flash flood....a wave. It almost
paralyzes you. It isn't fun to experience. You feel that there is no way
out...that no one understands. Then, after a few hours (thankfully, the
real hard part only lasts a few hours or maybe a day or so), it will
pass, and you can get back to your regularly-scheduled life. And that's
ok. I am allowing myself to feel that. I don't want to to take over and to cripple me. I have been there (depression) a few times, and it is not
fun. But for a few hours, or a day, I will let myself be sad, and then I
will usually snap out of it. If it gets really bad, I will go to some
of the infertility groups on Facebook, or I will talk with one of
sisters, or mom. Sometimes, I talk with hubby...he usually help me me that much. He is pretty good at reading
me...and although I will usually have to bring it up, he can usually
already tell...and will try to say something encouraging.
Grief can come on so suddenly...it strikes when you least expect it...it can be in the form of something so "small", like a P@amper commercial, or a G3rb3r Baby commercial. It is sad, really. Or, it can be something SO huge and monumental, like a friend or a family member having a baby (or announcing it), baby showers (I rarely go to those anymore), pregnancy / adoption announcements on Social Media, or seeing a cute baby while out shopping. Don't forget the cute clothes and toys!!! Those can also trigger it sometimes. When it last really hit me was when I read an article about infertility in a magazine. I think it was talking about IVF, and I just got super down about it all.
The thing is, grief is never planned. It always creeps up on you, usually with little to no warning. Very few people "get" the grief that is infertility. They certainly don't think of it as a loss. When you lose someone you love, there are the Seven Stages of Grief. There are groups, books, etc, to help you. There are very few books, support groups, and virtually no stages of grief when it comes to infertility. Counsellors barely (if at all) know on how to counsel in this area. So, I am learning as I go (hubby, too, I am sure). It isn't easy. It is hard. But, I guess this is what God wants me to undertake. If I help one person, whether through blogging, or in real life, then I will feel that it has been worth it.
*****This is a post contributing to a blog on Fertility Matters Canada. I am not receiving any compensation for this. All thoughts are my own.*****