Friday, December 18, 2015

Struggling

I have had this (or something like it) post mulling around in my head for awhile. I will probably put this into drafts at least once (especially since it is after 1 am, and I am getting sleepy!!), before it even (if ever) hits blog-land!! I don't really know on how or where to begin, or on how I can eloquently even put into words on what I am thinking/feeling. I am sure I will digress a few times, so I hope you will bare with me.

The blog-isphere is filled with bright, shiny, happy, and perfect people, getting ready for Christmas; decorating, baking, going to their kids' concerts, having parties, and it is awesome...it is. I love Christmas. I do. But I also hate it. First off, it is so commercialized. And you have to have money to do anything. Then, there is the pressure to be just like the person (or blogger) next to you. I find that exhausting. I actually wrote a post about this last year about this very topic. But again, I digress...moving on (for now; I may get back to this).

To be honest, we haven't been happy in awhile. Or least, I haven't, and I think if hubby were honest, he would realize that he wasn't happy, either. Oh, I (I will say "I" throughout this, since I am mainly talking about me, unless I specifically say us/we), happy in the day-to-day sense. I mean, I love my time running errands, relaxing with hubby, hanging with friends and family, etc, but as far are happy/content? No. Yes, I DO need to be better at being content. I get it. I am trying to work on it, truly, I am. And yes, compared to all the horror that is going on the world, I am happy. I am content. I am. But, I live in a first world country, and as my mom says "it's all relative". So, I will continue to complain (at least in this blog post...lol). We have been dealing with A's Disability, and in short, he will not getting another chq until Feb or Mar 2016. And, until today, he didn't even have free (which he should have) medication. Yes, he could be on mine, but, if he's not working, and not even getting money, why should I continue to pay for his meds (besides, there is only a 10% anyway)? But that got sorted out 10 days ago, which is great. But it is still stressful that we are only living on my income, and yes, we do try to be careful, but you HAVE to live, and now it's Christmas, and we have my family coming over, so that means having a little extra food in the house, and getting stocking stuffers (which is what we are doing), and gifts for hubs and I. And of course, it means cleaning :)

Trying to be an advocate for my hubby is exhausting. Paper work, phone calls, appointments....it's never ending sometimes (or at least, it feels like it). I am constantly having to remind him to take his meds, shower, change his clothes (I am not kidding), and I am now the sole driver, especially at night, which is sad, b/c I am a horrible night driver. I pretty much do everything regarding our house, finances, etc. Which I don't mind..most of the time...but when you have the type of job that I do, and you have to do that all over again at your work, well, it can get super-exhausting super quick. Hubby also doesn't tend to come out with me a lot. Though we did get out together three times two wknds ago. So, I tend to do (or go to) things on my own. Yes, even to parties (which, granted, I "release" him to not go to some of them, this wknds works Xmas party included), and even some family events. It gets exhausting.

But again, I digress...:) To put it bluntly, we are struggling. I am struggling with hurt and anger over infertility; and I am sure that hubby feels the same way...hubby is struggling with hurt and anger over his disabilities, which makes us fall into a deeper depression. It's not cool, dude (in the voice and words of RAJ, from TBBT).

I try to be a good wife and person, but it gets hard. I tend to retreat, and hang out at home, or I go out and about, but I will do things on my own. I will go days without calling people. I sometimes won't even answer the phone. I will even retreat to our own room, or worse, the guest room, and watch movies on my laptop, or hang out on my laptop in there. I won't clean (much), much less cook. It is tough. I am aware enough to get myself out of it once in awhile. It is a good thing that I have a job :)

So, that is where things are with us right now. We try to put on a happy face, but deep down, it's tough. It's not easy. It's not super hard, but it's not easy, either.

2 comments:

Nonnie said...

I am so sorry. Life is hard. I know, I have been there.

The A Team said...

Hi Nonnie..thanks hun. Yah, it is...but it is what it is, I guess. Thank you for stopping by!