Sunday, December 7, 2014

Nothing Tangible

******Disclaimer***** The next few posts are going to be a bit long, sad, real, and depressing...if you are looking for a blog post on Christmas, decorating, baking, and a place where fun, shiny, happy perfect family exists, this is not the place; please move on, and find another blog. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Being infertile sucks on so many levels. One of those levels is that there is nothing tangible to remember your journey, document your loss (yes, we have lost something). just a lot of hurt, anger, sadness, and depression. I have a friend who I have spoken about on here before who lost her daughter 4 years ago due to anencephaly. She celebrates her birthday every year (I am sorry, but I find this a bit creepy and just a little sad), has a race in her honour (awesome idea), a baby shower for an unwed mother (still on the fence with this one), gets to visit her grave (too big of a stone, in my opinion), is able to make shadowboxes (amazing idea), among other things. I don't get to do ANY of those things. That makes me sad, and a little angry.

I have nothing tangible to remember/document our journey. Not that we have much a journey to document. But I guess what makes me upset is that very few people "get it". They think that because that we haven't lost anything, I shouldn't feel or do anything. In a couple of infertility groups, this year and in past years, we have done card/gift exchanges. It is a fun thing to do. We also have done sock exchanges, which are fun too. That is fun to do with/for others, but I am wondering what a person can do for themselves to remember?

I guess one could send gift cards to their local hospital, pro-life/pregnancy care centre, but in my opinion, it is just condoning having babies before marriage (or at least not being in a relationship)..we could send gift cards (cheaper) to each other in the groups...I have also thought about having a walk or something to bring attention to infertility. There ARE things to do, but they take so much work! Ha! I also just thought about starting a fund for people that/who are trying to get pregnant/adopt...but that still doesn't do ME anything. It doesn't help my situation. 

Well, this has taken me a few hours to write..partly b/c I am doing Facebook stuff...and also partly b/c I don't really know what I am talking about! Ha!

Anyway...back to this post....I guess what I am trying to say is.....if you're an infertile couple what (if any) have you done or made to make and remember of your journey? Do you feel that's it important to you to do that? Perhaps it was an ultrasound during your TTC time. Or negative pregnancy tests. Or any lab result. Do you keep them in a box? File? 

The other thing that kind of gets to me is that people have/can send stuff to people who have lost their baby; for Christmas, birthdays, etc. That doesn't happen to me. And why should it? Nothing to really get, since I have no one to remember. No one sends us gifts, cards, gift cards, etc. No ornaments to remember our children. 

I also feel like what we have gone through isn't real. Like we are to forget about it, cause well, what is there to remember?

I am sorry if this is a bit discombobulated...I have the words and thoughts in my head, they are just not coming out the way I want them to...sigh.


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