Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I don't want to be Me

I just came from a blog that I frequent, and I came away from it a bit ticked. I wil try to not be super rude, but honestly, nearly every time I read it, I get upset. I love this person. We were friends on FB. I have followed her and and her daughters' life since I started reading, but honestly?? It just makes me a bit sad everytime I read it.

She lost her daughter to anecephaly nearly 3 yrs ago, and she is trying to not forget her. I get it. I do. But she also has 4 other kids, and is pregnant again. I know she loves her kids. SHe is a great momma. I just wish she would enjoy her kids. She keeps referring to her daughter in nearly every post, like she is still there. I guess I would do that, if I were in her shoes, and everyone mourns differently, so, I shouldn't judge. She mentioned that she "Didn't want to be me". She doesn't like it when no one asks about her, b/c they know that they will be really talked to about her daughter. She doesn't like bringing her daughter up in convos, b/c she knows that people feel uncomfortable talking her about her. There is more I could say, but I will refrain:)

Well, guess what?I don't want to me be sometimes, either.

I hate that we can't have kids. I hate that I have to go to school, b/c we need more income, and that if I don't go and get some more education, I will feel trapped in my sad, childless life. No one (well, very few) wants to talk, I mean, really talk about infertility. I have stopped talking to people (my friends) about it, b/c everyone feels uncomfortable talking about it. Just because I haven't lost a baby, it doesn't mean I don't feel loss. I think in some ways, it hurts more, b/c I never got to know what it is like to be pregnant,to have a baby move inside you, to feel like the Queen, because you are pregnant, and the world should stop because you are (pregnant).

Don't get me wrong. I love my life (at times). I do:) I love that I can wake up when I want (most of the time), go whenever, wherever I want. I love that we can have popcorn for supper (or no supper at all). I love that we can have s@x and not worry about little ones running around. I could name a 100 more things. Last night (or the night before) we were talking about kids, and I was telling hubby that I was a bit mad at God because "he allowed me to get sick", therefore, not allowing me to have kids. Hubby said something that I thought was very wise. He said that God knew what was best. I didn't like his answer, but I knew deep down, that hubby was right. God DID know...HE knew that my body wouldnt take having a baby (probably even before I got sick), HE knew that we would be having financial struggles, and only being able to live in a small one bed room apartment. He knew that although my hubby is a great person, that he may not make the best father (actually, I don't know if I would make the best mom either) in part due to his disability. God just knew! But still, it makes me sad.

I know God has a plan for us. I just do not know what that entails yet.

1 comment:

grandma W. said...

You are an amazing Auntie, a wonderful sister, a special daughter, a terrific wife and a faithful friend, a stalwart servant of the Lord Most High, and with every breath you breathe, you are a testament to His wonderful goodness and love. Every time I think of you I give glory to God for the life He gave to you and the proclamation that your living has been to the world that He is good. You are THE BEST April Wainwright that the Lord could have conceived in His mind, and that is all that He expects you to be. Be blessed, my friend!