**********Again, I had this in my post drafts, and I am just getting to write this now, or, I may not even finish it up tonight...who knows...so...it is August 26 at 11:40 pm********
I am SO over infertility. There. I have said it. I am not ashamed of it, either. I hate it. And NO ONE talks about it (in general and to me). NO ONE asks on how I am feeling (ok, very rarely...and it' s usually my SILs who have/are dealing with this as well). I have been blessed in the last while in the fact that my news feed hasn't been plugged up with pregnancy announcements. That being said, though..I saw one today, and one a few days ago. In a short while, there will be pictures of kids going back to school (for the most part, kids don't start back to school until Sept 8). Yay. Then, it will be Halloween. Then Thanksgiving (or TG, then Halloween..depending on what country you live in...our TG is in Oct, before H'een), then Christmas. It's not even so much about the kids...that part's ok (for the most part). It's the fact that I don't know why, when, God KNEW that I wanted kids SO BADLY, that He allowed us NOT to have any. I just don't get it. I try to not allow myself to dwell on/wallow in it for too long, cause I get very upset.
There is the physical part of it. I get my you-know-what every month. I mean, can't there just be a sign, like "nope, not this month" and move on? Look at all the month I'd save! Then there's the PCOS part of it, which really doesn't have much of factor in that anymore. I know that if I got pregnant, there would be a TON of issues..I have diabetes, my heart/lung/breathing would definitely take a beating, but couldn't that be just over looked? I HATE that I have these problems. Hubby is sterile. I HATE that. As much as he is unstable at times, I think he would have made a great dad! Yes, we don't have a ton of money, but A LOT of people don't have money and they manage to have kids (and some of them probably shouldn't). My heart breaks sometimes. My heart yearns to hold my baby in my arms. My heart years to be called mama. My heart wishes that I was a "cool mom", doing all the "cool mom" things. I wish I were getting my child ready for school. Or having trouble getting my baby to sleep. Or having the "terrible two's" with my toddler. I wish I was involved in kid-related outings, and play-dates, and activities, but sadly, God hasn't seem to have that in store for me. Some days, I am ok with that. Other days, I am so over it.
One of the reasons that I "re-branded" my blog was to bring encouragement and hope to women regarding infertility, but, since, I actually want viewers and followers, as well as for it not to be totally depressing, I change it up, and talk about other things. And I am happy with that. There are only a few local bloggers in this area, so it is fun to "show" everyone where I live, etc. Our lives are not perfect. We don't have a perfect house, we don't have a lot of money, we don't travel every weekend. Our lives are, in a sense, boring, but I blog about it anyway, so that I can connect with fellow bloggers who are either Christian, Canadian, infertile, or just plain crazy, like me! I also have connected with some groups (Infertile, Anxiety, Carer, Cat, etc) on Facebook the last few days...even more than usual, and that has been helpful. I love to connect with people who have the same thoughts, ideas, careers, struggles, and hobbies as me. Both blogging have helped me. They have helped me to not be so sad. Not so alone. Not as hurt. Not as scared. I "talk" to more of my Facebook friends about life than I do to my Real Life family and friends.
So, back to the original title of this post....
I am over infertility. And, I am pretty sure that people are over me being over at it. So, I try. I try to not dwell on the sad/bad parts. I try to think of the positive side of/to not having kids. I can sleep in, eat whatever/whenever I want...go out, spend hours at a coffee shop, at the mall..go for a drive...car rides with out screaming, crying kids....the list goes on. But still...there is a tiny bit of me, a tiny part/bit of my heart that will always yearn for a baby. We have lost something, too. No, we haven't lost a baby, but we have lost the dream of having one.