Sunday, October 5, 2014

Oceans


***This post was started September 29, 2014***

This blog title comes courtesy of Brantley's blog. I read about her Ocean (s) back in January, and when I wanted write about what we've been going through the last bit (mainly this past couple of weeks, especially this past weekend), and I was thinking of blog titles, I remembered this. Actually, yesterday, Aunty Shelley and I went to a church (that my friends go to) that we had never been to before. Her friends were trying it out, and asked her to come along with her. They sang Oceans, and that made me remember this this post.
 {Oceans by Hillsong}
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior



*****This rest of this post was written on October 5, 2014****


This was one of the posts that I wanted to finish. I had started it on Monday, and due to my lack of blogging this week, I hadn't been able to finish it, so here it is.

So, like I said earlier, the song and the blog that I referred to above inspired the title of this blog post, along with actually my inspired me to write this. Ok, now I am rambling...

Right now, for the last couple of weeks, we have been going through some tough times. Finances have been really frustrating, Anker hasn't been feeling well, and is going through a bit of a tough time, too. We haven't been spending as much time together as we (or I) would like, and I am not really sure where God wants me to be right now, career-wise. I love my job, and a lot of time I think I know that I am supposed to be there, but there are other times, when I often wonder. I think that is normal, right?

You could say we have been slugging through life. I hate that term. But I don't know what other term to use, so slugging seems like the best term that fits, and I am tired of it. I try to be positive about things, and try to have a positive outlook on things, but then something happens, or I do (or don't) do something, and then I get depressed and /or about our life.

I am not gonna lie; being broke sucks. We try to find ways to do things without money (and I/we have), but it gets tiring not being able to spend money; even on things that you need. It is kind of like being/going on a diet. You can do it for so long, then you get tired of not eating your favourite foods, and you flip out and pig out on the weekends.

We did get our GST cheque on Friday, which helped, and I did go and get a few things that we needed (I even put back a pair of PJ pants that I kind of needed, as I don't think we can afford that). I also grabbed a coffee and a snack or two this weekend, and we did grab fast food for dinner on Friday, but that was it.

As far as trying to get more money, well, I even put some stuff on some local "garage sale" groups on FB, in hopes of getting a few more bucks, but only one things has sold, and it has almost been a week. I am looking after H once in awhile, which helps, but I haven't been doing it much. I am starting to wonder when things will start to be turned off.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am exhausted, and not just about being broke all the time. When Anker gets really depressed or down, he goes into a dark place, and I try to encourage and be there for him, but I don't know on how else I can help. He also likes to be alone, and he doesn't go out a lot, which means I go out alone a lot of the time. He doesn't even want to see people. I am tired of I am tired of our small place. We did clean it up this week, which does help things. I try to relax and do things for myself (be good to myself), every day; even if it just relaxing and binge-watching a tv show, but still I feel weary, and weak.

I don't know why God is allowing us to go through this. Does He want me/us to grow closer to him? I am asking God all the time what He wants me to do. I wonder where God is in all this?  I am tired. I am beaten. I am done.I know that in our weakness, God is made stronger, but I don't see it.

Our life is kind of like an ocean. Vast, wide and deep. I hope I/we see land soon. Cause I am getting tired of sailing.

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