Sunday, January 9, 2011

Not Forgotten...

I wasn't going to blog tonight (I was actually just going to shut down and head to bed), but I thought I would quickly post what happened the last few days.

I wasn't going to post this, but I figure, this is a place where I can update, and share my thoughts and feelings..so, why not?

A few days ago (Wednesday), I took a pregnancy test. I have taken them before, but it has been awhile (a year, maybe??) since I took one. I was late. I haven't been late for awhile. I was hoping. Praying. Thinking. Maybe. I was excited!! I didn't have any symptoms, so I was pretty sure I wasn't, but a lot of women don't have any symptoms, so I thought.."why not"? So, I bought a test, took it in Starbucks (well, in the bathroom, of course!), and nothing happened. I realised later that I did it wrong. Not wanting to waste it, I did it later that night at work. I peed in a cup. It was negative. I was sad. Not crying sad, but still sad. This was the first time a long time that I really felt the need to get a test. I was carrying it in my purse, and I just happened to look at it again, when I noticed a faint second line (it is suppose to be a '+' sign..).I thought..maybe?? I even went to my friends' blog, b/c I remember reading about a faint line she had on a (now) positive pregnancy test. I got excited again. I planned to take it on Friday. Well, I didn't need to. Again, I was a bit sad...but not surprised. The second is saved for another time.

Now, on the the title of my post....

One of the bad things about Facebook is that you know when everyone is pregnant, sharing stories, pictures, etc. Don't get me wrong..I love it..and i am happy for them..but it does get a bit tiring after awhile. I am tired of always having to pretend that I am happy for them, when I really, my heart is sad. I often don't look at pictures of their babies (at least at first) b/c it is too hard. I don't think I am as popular or likeable person, b/c I am not a mom. (I seriously think this sometimes). I am also getting tired of people congratulating single moms. Sorry..I am sure that I will make some enemies over that comment, but I just don't have it in me to congratulate single moms right now. But that is for a different day...

Ok..again..back to the title of my post...

I was laying in bed last night..not really praying, but sort of...and I was asking God to help either take away the desire for me to have a baby, or give us one. I was praying about some other things...so...suddenly, I was thinking back to when I was single, and crying b/c I wasn't married. I remember saying to God (and to anyone else who would listen) that he had must have forgotten about me, b/c all of my friends were married, and I wasn't. Well, we know the end of that story, don't we? I realized that God didn't forget me then, and he hasn't forgotten about me now. I don't know where this "Baby Chapter" in our life is going, or where (or when) it will end. Maybe we will never have a baby..maybe we will...but I know that God hasn't forgotten about me. He LOVES ME! Being a mom doesn't make you a better person..just like Marriage vs Singleness...it's just different. Anyway..babies are messy....

Had a good weekend...took our tree down...just relaxed ystrdy...church, and lunch out with a friend today. Totally relaxed for the rest of the day..I had a nap:) Pure Bliss!!

No comments: