I don't even know what to title this post (that may or may not come later). I have been struggling with what to write today. It is FoF/OHF day today, and I will probably post to/on that (this may even be it), but for now, I just thought I would share what's been on my heart and mind.
I decided to delete a few ppl from my Facebook list. I had almost 1000 "friends". Some of those were/are gaming friends; either Trainstation, or the old game Fluff Friends, which is now defunct, but I have made many good friends on there, so they are still on my list. I deleted ppl who I don't interact with anymore...either who used to play TS, or just not close friends. I deleted ones who swore a TON, had nasty photos on their news feed, but I also deleted some of my "mommy friends". I have a lot, you know, and it does get tiring at times; seeing them brag about their kids, etc. One thing that really gets me is the moment that someone is pregnant, they "share" baby/parent-related stuff, or others post stuff like that on their wall. It gets me all the time. I mean, give them a few months before you start sharing that stuff! Of course, I kept a lot, as well, but the ones I deleted are ones who I really don't connect with. Actually, I think I only deleted a few...but I will probably delete more. Yes, I can choose to "unfollow" them, and I just may do that, but to be honest, I don't really interact with them on a day to day basis, and we don't really talk much when we see each other, so, I just thought that deleting would be the easiest. Probably not the best, but hey, it's my Facebook, right? I actually sometimes don't often have a rhyme nor reason of deleting certain people....I just do it (well, there is usually some reason). K, I just "unfollowed" a few ppl. I feel a bit better now. Ha!
I also unfriended a lady who I have been friends with for awhile. We both have blogs, so we have "known" each other through that. I finally deleted her b/c, to be honest, I got tired of seeing pictures of her going to her daughter's grave, and decorating it. I got tired of seeing her profile picture of her and her baby for the longest time. I got tired of her celebrating her baby's birthday 4 years after she died. I got tired of seeing her other 5 kids and her telling of their lives' antics in/on my news feed. I just plain got tired. So, after saying a semi-rude comment on her latest barrage of pictures of her going to her daughters grave, I deleted her. I could have just un-friended her, but I figured that if she were still my friend, I would be tempted to go and check out her page, and probably say something rude. I also don't want to appear two-faced. I will probably delete/un-follow her blog, too. I just got tired of her talking about her dead baby. I mean, it's been 4 years. You have 5 other kids. Get a hold of yourself. Yes, that is being VERY mean, but that is how I feel.
Then people get all upset that I am grieving something that I have never lost. Yah, actually, I have lost something; my/our ability to have a baby. To be a mother. To be parents. People (ok, one person) has told me to go for counselling, and, to be fair, I am thinking about it. When I see people grieving and talking about their dead babies YEARS after they have died, then I don't feel so bad grieving for the children we will never have. I don't have a place to go and remember them; a grave to decorate (which I find weird, anyway). I don't have a memory box, or a picture to hang up. I don't have those things. It is tough. People don't get it. Some people try, and that is awesome. But a lot of people don't even bother. Or, they say the wrong things. Or they ignore me. We don't get invited to things, partly b'c we aren't young and we don't have kids. That sucks. It gets tiring after awhile. It even hurts a bit.
I don't know why God allowed us to be infertile. I don't know why God allowed us to have a harder-than-normal life. I do know, however, that God is carrying us, through the thick and thin. I can see it; more than I care to admit. No, our life isn't perfect, but we are doing ok. We have each other. We have a roof over our head, we have food, we have family. We have to embrace what God has for us, and let Him do His work.