Friday, October 29, 2010

Sadness

My heart is breaking tonight with some news I heard earlier this morning. I was going to title this blog post "Death", because I have been thinking of death the last few days...what it would be like to lose a child. I actually came upon a blog, who's friends daughter died of a brain tumour (she was 5, I think??). I ended up finding this girls funeral service online, as I wanted to see ballet the girls dance class was doing. It was a very moving service (don't worry, I didn't waste an hour of my time watching some random child's funeral, in case you were thinking I was odd) and it got me thinking of burying your children. A parent should never have to bury their child. I am also following some blogs of BLM's (Baby Loss Mamma's), where their babies were born prematurely, or had pre-existing conditions/diseases in the womb, and were not expected to live. So, every few days or so, I usually glance over them, and read the newest posts. I don't know what is drawing me to these. So, last night, I was restless. I couldn't sleep, and I was thinking of what it would be like if I had to say good bye to a child of my own (ok, yes, this is deep, but I think these things!!), and I couldn't sleep. I always wonder on how I would react, and deal with the situation. I don't know how any parent survives that. So, that is what partially kept me up last night.

I never (well, rarely) have sleepless nights. I usually go to bed as soon as my head hits the pillow. I usually sleep very well. Last night, though, my sleeping machine (well, the mask) was giving me problems. It was bothering my face, etc. I just ended up getting rid of it. I will try again tonight. So, if I do have a sleepless/restless night, I either pray, or just lay there. Now, I know that I will pray. Now, I know why I was restless (actually, I was restless for two nights in a row).

This morning, I got up, and I had plans to meet up w/ a friend for coffee, and had a full day of running errands. I wasn't on Facebook for more than a few minutes, when I received an email from a friend of mine, asking me if I had heard about a mutual friend of ours who had died. I was floored. To make a long story short (I won't go in to details), she was found dead yesterday afternoon(which was why I couldn't sleep two nights ago, either). I am shocked and saddened. She is my age, and has a husband and two beautiful daughters. Although we weren't super close, we were friends, so this is probably the closest friend in my life that I have lost. I have lost people that I knew, but they were either my grandparents (who were both suffering, and it was their time), or people that I really wasn't that close to. Now, my heart is breaking. I saw talked w/ her a couple of weeks ago for about 20 minutes. I saw her last Sunday, but she was busy, then she left, so I never said hello. She is on our list of "fast dial" numbers on our phone. She was someone who I sometimes went to when things weren't going so great. They gave us money to buy our car. I just don't understand it. We were almost in tears this morning. I am not looking forward to the funeral at all:( I would ask you all to pray for the K family. This is hard on our church, as well.

This reminds us all that death is NEVER far from us. It is very near. Sometimes, we think we are immune to death, but as I have come to know from being sick, it is never far. I have to admit, even after being sick, you kind of forget that death could ALWAYS happen!! We are never immune to it.

So, after reading that, I didn't know what to do. I felt guilty even THINKING of going about my day. They don't live in town, so it wasn't like I could go and help out, or be with the girls. I couldn't even make them supper. I did buy a card, and I will mail it to them. It was hard evening standing in that section...I can't even remember when the last time was that I picked out a sympathy card.

I think I will end here for now. There are a few more things to update, but I will save them for another time. I will say that we are doing ok (other than this, of course), and my job is going well:)

PS..I do apologize for my odd wordness at times. It always sounds so nice in my head, but then I forget how I worded when I get here to type it!!

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