Capture Your Grief Photography Project, Days, 5,6 &7

Hi. I'm April. I used to have a blog:)

Moving on.

I thought I had at least do a few more of these days in the CYGPP. I won't be putting my own photos on every single day, as I don't have one that matches for each day. Besides, it is my project and my blog, and I can do what I want, right?

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

This really doesn't apply to me (us). Since we had no physical baby; miscarriage, etc, I don't have a box, or photos. I guess I could start a box..would that be too weird? I guess I could have kept some of my pregnancy tests that I took.

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

I don't have any rituals, either. I do pray every day (I pray anyway), and I try to remind myself on how "lucky" we are that we don't have kids; financial, world events, make us glad that we don't have them. Sometimes. I also try to remind myself on the positive side of not having kids. Spending money on only ourselves, doing whatever I want, when I want. Odd dinners:) I don't have any special dates, either..although as I will talk about later, February is a bit of a sad month.


7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Wow...how long do you have? I find that the grief process is tricky. I will have days and weeks where I am "ok", and other times, I find it so hard!! I don't know if my heart is heavier or lighter. I have wrestled with anger; at God, at others; and am still wrestling with it. I try to come to terms with it, but then something will come alone; a Facebook PG announcement, a holiday (more on that in another post), or a baby shower, and I find that I revert back to where I was before...wherever/whatever that was:( I will have a sad day, then I will be fine again. I get frustrated when moms who have lost babies, and have had other kids since then (or have had others before), they are still talk about their lost babies, that I feel that they don't know how good they have it. They HAVE other kids. I can't have any:( I know the loss of a life can't be replaced, but I just don't understand why they can't enjoy the kids they have.  I hope I am explaining myself properly. Please note, I am not in any way lessening the loss of a child. I hope that it is something that we never experience (although we at least would have something to mourn), but I see from my perspective on how they seem to be constantly mourning the loss of their one child, and not enjoying the ones they have. I know this sounds harsh, and I am sorry if I offend anyone, but that is how I feel right now. I know every grief process is tricky, and everyone's experience with death (of a child, etc) is different, and I can appreciate that. One person can move on after their loss, and another takes years to "get over". Maybe I am wrong. But again, I am seeing things from where I sit. We don't have a grave to go visit, we don't have a birthday to celebrate, we don't have any special memories. No pictures. Very few understand what true infertility is.

Since when did Easter become a gift holiday?

Happy Maundy Thursday!!! I am sitting on my bed, with antiobotic drops in my ears, suffering from an ear infection. I went to my doctor on Tuesday, with a sore ear, that was itchy, then sore the day and night before. He said it looked inflamed, and gave me some cream for my excema that was apparently in my ear (I have had an itchy year on and off for years). Well, fast forward today (well, last night, actually) and my ear was throbbing SO MUCH, I could barely think straight. Well, this morning, I woke up around 6, as soon as DH left for work, with my ear is so much pain, that I wasn't sure about going to my practicum today. I really wanted to go, but not in the shape I was in. I laid in bed, glad that @dvil was doing (or rather, trying to) do it's thing. I nearly went to practicum, but I my ear wasn't 100%, but it wasn't super sore, either. It just had a lot of fluid in it, which in it's self isn't a big deal. Well, I hummed and haaaahed and decided to stay home. I thought I would make an appt wint my doctor, and depending on how I was doing, I may go up later for a few hours. I called my doctor's office at 9, and they promply said that there were no openings. ARRGH! When I was an MOA, we always fit people in who had small emergencies like that. Well, I just laid on the couch, and watched a movie, well, I slept through most of it. I decided to go to the WI clinic. Went there around 11:30, and was told to come back at 4. I came home, and watched some TV. I watched a movie I had borrowed from the library. Went back out with hubby, and got in within a few minutes. Sure enough, it was an ear infection. GGAHHH! Well, we had a few errands to run, and decided to grab some Chinese food for dinner. Normally, I love going out, but since I wasn't feeling well, it was a bit of an endurance contest. Hubby hardly ever likes going out, so I take it while/when i can:) We did have a nice chat, and the food was great!!!

Back to my title. So, when I was growing up, Easter was never (physically anyway) a major holiday. Mainly it was because we were usually in lambinng seasons. When we were young, we would sometimes have an egg hunt, and that was it. I have noticed that throughout the last few years, that EVERY holiday seems to be, well..about the STUFF!!! I mean, when we were growing up, it was "Christ Arose", "He has Risen", and all that, and MAYBE an egg hunt, and of course, we would TRY to go to church (remember, it was/is our busy season, so we weren't always able to go), and that was about it. Sometimes,we would have a ham, but that was it. Now, it is CRAZY with gifts!!! I mean, don't get me wrong. Jesus' Resurrection is a great day to celebrate, but gifts?? I guess you could compare it to Christmas, in that area, I mean, we celebrate His Birth with gifts, but it was always (i mean, since before the Civil War days) celebrated like that. Easter never really was..was it? I mean, we never did anything. I just think that it is interesting that with every holiday, there has to be a gift. Valetines Day,(I am talking mainly about gifts for the kiddies) St. Patty's Day, and now Easter....:) I mean, what is wrong with a chocolate bunny for the kid, and they are good to go? I think the world is getting greedy...don't you?