Defeated and Frustrated (Misc Monday and Life Lately Link up)

Officially, I probably shouldn't blog about this, but I feel like I need to get this out. I could journal, and I will, but for some reason, since part of what I am feeling has to do with infertility, I feel like it should go on the blog.

I will do a weekly wrap up (maybe) and probably wknd wrap up (which really ties into the weekly wrap up) today or tomorrow. Maybe.

I am linking up with Carissa@Lower Case Letters, and Wild and Precious for

 

 

 

and Life Lately Link Ups.

 

I (well, we) both feel very frustrated and defeated at the moment. The plans we had aren't able to come together; I am really stressed about finding work; 4 women in our church are pregnant, even my lil brothers puppy, Ginger had her second littler of Octuplets yesterday. Darn thing is more fertile than I am:)

 

Hubby is in a bad mood, and when that happens, I don't like to be around him. He is grumpy, irritable, and generally, not pleasant to be around. Since our apartment is small (one bedroom, 700 square feet), there isn't a lot of space to get away from each other. I will often revert to going out for coffee with myself, or just out and about in general. Today, my sisters are coming into town, and I plan to spend some time with them. Yay for sister time!

 

So, back to the title of this post. I am just so tired of things not working out. I am tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I am tired of hubby having his dreams put out. I am tired of him seeing his disability, and not wanting to at least try to advance his education, so that he can get a better job. I am tired of dropping of resumes, going to interviews, only to be told that I didn't get the job. I am tired of hearing other classmates of mine getting jobs; jobs that I wanted, and even tried to get. Honestly? I am wondering if going to school was even worth it. I am tired of seeing/reading of people having fun, going on trips, adopting kids, all because they have money and a big house.

 

I know the Bible talks of wanting us to prosper,new things are coming (Isaiah 43:19), and that there is a new day dawning, but I don't see it. I want to be positive, both for myself, and for hubby, and I do say affirming things to him, and offer to help pray for the situation, but he often will rebuff (?) me, saying that he think God wants him to live at the bottom (whatever that means), and that God's promises aren't for him, and honestly, I am starting to believe him. I want to do the will of God; I want what He wants. The problem is that I don't know what He wants. I am praying (more like screaming) to Him on a nearly hourly basis as to what He wants for our lives.  I wish I knew what He wanted. I try to listen, and watch for signs (or something) as to what I am supposed to, and where I should go, job-wise, and whether or even if we should move. I have to stat paying off my SL in a couple of months, and if we don't have more income coming in by then, I don't know how or even if it will get paid, without something else either getting left behind or being eliminated.

 

All I can do is to try to lean on Him. No one else can bear this burden for me (us). They can listen and be a source of advice and a shoulder to lean on, but only God can bear this for us. HE knows what we NEED, only HE knows what is good for us. Only God can for see the future and HE knows what we need, even before asking Him. This is something that I am leaning on. Jeremiah 29:11 and the Worry Chapter in Matthew 5 have been a great comfort to me in the last few days.

 

 

I Wish had the Words...

Another beautiful day from the Interior of BC!! Despite my depressing title, I am actually feeling well:) But, there are a few things I wanted to try to express some of my infertility thoughts.

First though...and update on our summer so far.

The first week of July, we went camping at Lac Le Jeune Lake..about 15-20 minutes away. We had a great time, despite the heat, and the fact that we both got burnt. His sister and her family joined us the last half of the trip, and we had a great time together. I spent the days swimming, and relaxing.. but of course, camping (esp tent camping)is a lot of work..but we came back (semi) refreshed. At least we got away. Anker had the whole week off, and I only ended up working Monday (I blew off Thursday).

While we were camping, we also gained a niece! Norah Ruth was born on July 9, and she is gorgeous! I can't wait to see her on Tuesday. My bro is a great daddy!!!

I have looked after Hayden a couple of times this summer as well. I haven't gone swimming a whole lot..really the only time was at LLJ. I usually go to one of the river parks here in town, but I don't seem to have the time..plus, I don't like going alone all the time, and Hubby doesn't like going to the beach. I did go to the TCC once a few weeks go, to enjoy the indoor swimming pool.

Things were pretty quiet until the week of our anniversary. We had planned on going to a B&B that we saw online for the weekend. Sadly, our car had issues on the Monday before, so that took a bit of money that we were planning on for the weekend. We ended up staying home, and went for supper, and spent a lazy Saturday hanging out...went for ice cream on Saturday evening..and hung out a bit on Sunday.

I think that pretty much sums up the last month or so. I didn't help with our church's VBS, and it felt a bit odd, but it was nice to have the break..I did help on the last day, however, which was nice. This wknd, we are headed to a family reunion. I will be there until Thursday, which I am looking forward to.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad day. I was already in a funk, and then it just got worse! ARRGH! I am tired of people who are my "friends" not texting, calling, facebooking, etc. I am finding that I am doing ALL the communicating, and frankly, I am getting tired of it. Even my family (ok, except my mom and my sister) don't connect with me much unless I do it first. So, I had that on my mind, then just the infertility thoughts came back. I was SO ticked that every 2nd post on FB had to do with babies, nursing, midwifing, etc. SO I deleted a bunch of people. A LOT of those people I don't know or connect with very much anyway, and some of them I did know, but I was just tired of seeing their preggo bellies, nursing/midwifing -related posts. I have to be good to myself. Only do things that I HAVE to do.. You can't ask me to do more than that.

I am tired of not having kids..tired of saying "we can't have them"..and explaining that we can't foster/adopt a baby. Although I am SO happy to be seeing my siblings/cousins, I am a bit sad, too...as there will be 2 or 3 babies there..and one pregnant lady...sigh. It's hard to be happy for them. I want to be happy for them..I do...but then I look at us, and I feel sad...sad, b/c ever since I was a child, I have always wanted to be a mom..sad, b/c I think that God has forgotten us. Sad, b/c I LOVE babies! I want to enjoy that feeling...I want to join the "mommy gang", to swap stories of high chairs, car seats, disciplinary tactics....I wonder why (other than physically) God hasn't given us children. Does he think we would be bad parents? Would we hurt them?? Would we neglect them?? A lot of things go and run through my mind. Then, I just stop thinking about it, b/c I get sad and mad...and I focus on other things.

I am for sure going to school next month!!! I can't believe how fast this last few months have gone!! It just seems like yesterday that I was thinking about school:) I AM excited about new happenings in my (our) life. Excited to see where God leads us.

I had a dream the other night...I dreamt that I was going through a fire...with a cross on my back (I know..it's strange..I have weird dreams lately), but I got through the fire..and even in my dream..I heard a voice (God's??) saying that HE will take us through the fire! It was totally encouraging.

I have read a few books this summer...One that I JUST finished "Secret Daughter", which was amazing. I don't normally like present-tense written books, but I am finding that I am really enjoying them as I get older. I also have read "Water for Elephants". It was ok, but not my favourite.

It looks like I will have to buy a new laptop for school. I guess I was a bit too hard on my last one, and the LCD screen broke! I think I will have enough from my Student loan to buy a laptop, since the one I have is really too small to type anything on it.

Well, I think that's all for now...I will try to update before I head off to school (less than a month now..eek!)

Oh yah..I have given my notice, and I am SO glad that I am leaving. It is such a schamozz over there...I actually don't even like going there anymore. My last day is in the middle of August.