Capture Your Grief Project; Days 11, 12, 13 &14

Yes, I am STILL determined to finish this project:)

Day 11 Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

There are a lot of emotional triggers that are associated with my grief with our infertility. Holidays, seeing pregnant ladies, and seeing pregnancy announcements, are the worst, I think. What kind of a picture could/should/would I post for this?

 

Day 12  Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.

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Day 13 Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.

The one book that we have partially read (we aren't a real "reading as a couple-couple"), is "When the Cradle is Empty. You can find the link to it here. I would love to buy it. It really is one of the best books about infertility that I have ever read.

Day 14 Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

We have one cat, KitKat. It is hubby's cat, and altho the cat is a bit of a pain, I really have grown fond of him. And of course, there are the two of us:)

Capture Your Grief Photography Project, Days, 5,6 &7

Hi. I'm April. I used to have a blog:)

Moving on.

I thought I had at least do a few more of these days in the CYGPP. I won't be putting my own photos on every single day, as I don't have one that matches for each day. Besides, it is my project and my blog, and I can do what I want, right?

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

This really doesn't apply to me (us). Since we had no physical baby; miscarriage, etc, I don't have a box, or photos. I guess I could start a box..would that be too weird? I guess I could have kept some of my pregnancy tests that I took.

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

I don't have any rituals, either. I do pray every day (I pray anyway), and I try to remind myself on how "lucky" we are that we don't have kids; financial, world events, make us glad that we don't have them. Sometimes. I also try to remind myself on the positive side of not having kids. Spending money on only ourselves, doing whatever I want, when I want. Odd dinners:) I don't have any special dates, either..although as I will talk about later, February is a bit of a sad month.


7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Wow...how long do you have? I find that the grief process is tricky. I will have days and weeks where I am "ok", and other times, I find it so hard!! I don't know if my heart is heavier or lighter. I have wrestled with anger; at God, at others; and am still wrestling with it. I try to come to terms with it, but then something will come alone; a Facebook PG announcement, a holiday (more on that in another post), or a baby shower, and I find that I revert back to where I was before...wherever/whatever that was:( I will have a sad day, then I will be fine again. I get frustrated when moms who have lost babies, and have had other kids since then (or have had others before), they are still talk about their lost babies, that I feel that they don't know how good they have it. They HAVE other kids. I can't have any:( I know the loss of a life can't be replaced, but I just don't understand why they can't enjoy the kids they have.  I hope I am explaining myself properly. Please note, I am not in any way lessening the loss of a child. I hope that it is something that we never experience (although we at least would have something to mourn), but I see from my perspective on how they seem to be constantly mourning the loss of their one child, and not enjoying the ones they have. I know this sounds harsh, and I am sorry if I offend anyone, but that is how I feel right now. I know every grief process is tricky, and everyone's experience with death (of a child, etc) is different, and I can appreciate that. One person can move on after their loss, and another takes years to "get over". Maybe I am wrong. But again, I am seeing things from where I sit. We don't have a grave to go visit, we don't have a birthday to celebrate, we don't have any special memories. No pictures. Very few understand what true infertility is.

Tell us Tuesday; Capture Your Grief Days 3 &4

Thank goodness yesterday is over! Actually, everything that frustrated me yesterday is still frustrating me today, but at least it's a new day, right?

As I type this, it is a foggy Autumn morning; I love it! I got to work early, as hubby had an appointment downtown, so I was here for a few minutes before I had to open the store.

After I left work yesterday, I ran a few errands, and went home. Hubby had not (to my chagrin) had started or even thought of what to make for supper, so I started in. I am really trying to eat healthier, and I also want to try to implement Meatless Mondays at least once a week. I remember asking my dad (who is sheep rancher, and soooo not a vegetarian) if he ever did Meatless Monday's, and he looked at me as if I had 4 heads! I asked them again awhile back, and they said no. My dad is a person who eats meat 3-4 times a day. True story. Anyway, I looked in our fridge, and found a lot of veggies that needed eating up, and I came up with this;

It's a veggie stir fry with brown and some white rice. I usually don't like stir frys, but I thought I would give it a whirl, even hubby who is a picky eater liked it.

 

Here is the salad I had on Sunday night

Doesn't it look DELISH!!??

 

Here are some of the pictures I took on my phone on our way back on Sunday.

 

 

 

This is the view of a part of our city going up a hill towards our house.

 

One thing I forgot to mention on my wknd post was that I added to my first ever blogger contact to my phone!! I have a few blogging friends on FB, but Sky-Ann is the first blogger that I have added to my phone:) We had a fun phone/texting conversation on Friday night while I was out for coffee:)

 

 

 

Ok, so on to the next part of today's post/subject. I shared with hubby on how I am doing this project, and I explained (or rather, tried to) to him on how it works. I want him to be involved in my blog, and this subject/project was no exception.

Capture Your Grief Days 3&4 deal with Myths and Legacy respectively.

 

3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

There are two myths that I find people like to tell me; or that I tend to think.

Myth 1: You can't mourn something you never had. A few people have said this to me. I can tell you that it isn't true. You mourn for something that you can't have; a life that you had always thought that you were going to have; and had hoped for. It IS possible to mourn something (especially if you really wanted it, and it was very close and tangible) that you haven't had. Trust me. I do. I mourn nearly every day.

Myth 2: You will get over it-Eventually. Like wounds, it will heal; sort of. It lessens; you have a day, a week or even a month or year where children/infertility isn't as strong. You go to school, you get a job, you travel, you enjoy life; you nieces and nephews; but trust me, it isn't the same as having your own. Then at night, when everyone has gone home, and you are alone; you may watch a show or a commercial, or something will trigger it (more on triggers on another day), and you instantly get sad. So, I actually partially believe this, but not fully. When talking with hubby about this last night and this morning, he agreed with me; that it lessens, but it never completely goes away.

4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

I actually don't like the word "legacy". It seems so..I don't know.....new age-y, or something so large. That being said, I can appreciate why people use it (and yes, I have used the word a few times). The one thing I am doing/have done since finding out that we couldn't have kids is writing and sharing this blog. I started blogging right after we were married, because it was the "Cool thing to do", but in the last year, I have wanted to hone in on our infertility life. I want people to know that there is another life other than having kids.  I want people to know that infertility hurts; just because we can't have kids (or we haven't lost a baby), it doesn't mean that we don't hurt and mourn. I used to think that you had to have kids to have a blog. True Story. Now that I am involved in link ups, there are A LOT (maybe even more than) of ladies (let's face it, ladies blog WAY more than men!), who either don't have kids, or who are single. I also share and get involved in linkups to share my blog, so that people can at least try to understand what the life of an infertile couple looks like.

Another thing that I would like to do is start a RESOLVE (or some other kind of infertility group) in our town. I don't run, but I would love to have a run/walk in support of infertility awareness (and probably pregnancy/infant loss as well) in this area. The thought of starting and organizing something like that, however, is very overwhelming, so I doubt that I will ever get it off the group. Also, would we get any support? Would anyone come?

Capture your Grief, Days 1&2

I have seen this on several blogs over the last month, and I finally found out what it was/is all about. I thought it was an awesome idea, and I decided that I would try do to with our infertility.  Capture your Grief is a 30 day "challenge" or project for people (mainly women, since they are the ones who blog the most) to blog on several topics related to their baby losses, and I thought it be helpful (for others and for myself) as well as healing for me to do something like this. I hope I can do all 30, I may fall of the wagon half way through, but I really want to try to do most of it. I may make it a weekly thing. Also, I don't know if all of the subjects will be applicable for me (relating to our infertility), but I will do what I can.

I will let you look at the "rules" and subjects on your own, mainly so I don't bore you, but here are a couple of pictures I got from Carly Marie's website. Ok, I just now saw this was a photography project..oops...cause I read well like that:) Well, I add these pics on for now, and I will take better/proper ones tomorrow. It's a shame, too, because I was around blocks at Sunday School today, too. I could have used those to spell out their names. Oh well.

Day 1. Sunrise: I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning. When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. It will be a wonderful way for us all to feel connected.. This picture was taken in August at my parents' place at around 3:30 am. It is "officially" the sunrise, but it was (too) early in the morning, so I think it is good enough:) BC, Canada

 

Day 2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

I love talking/thinking about baby names. I could spend HOURS on this subject. When we still thought that we could have kids (and were sort of trying to get pregnant), we talked about names on a few occasions.

For a girl, we liked (and still do) Addisyn. I think we would have spelt it this way, as well. We both loved the name; it is different, but not so different that it is a weird name.

Audrey would be her middle name, after my hubby's mom.

Joy would be her other middle name; as that is my mom's middle name (and also the middle name I wish I had had).

 

For a boy, one of the names that we really like is Asher.

I couldn't find the middle names on the internet, so I will try to take pictures of them this week.

 

Earl and Keir.

 

I imagined that either gender would be born with darker hair, and probably would have curls. They would be probably weigh btwn 3-8lbs (I would probably have had them early, because of my health concerns). I would hope that they would perfect..u know, sleep through the night, be great eaters, etc:) Yah, right.