Darkness

I will do a FOF/Random 5 Friday later today. For now, though, I wanted to talk a little about what I am (we) are going through. I was reading on a few of the blogs that I follow, and two of them were talking about walking through darkness.

I love the quote that I saw on Leanne's blog.

"Sometimes one has to walk through the often complete darkness of grief to embrace the light of joy to be found in challenging circumstances. Feeling that grief does not diminish the joy one feels at the end. In fact embracing the grief enables one to experience the joy more fully. Yet for some they see acknowledgement of the darkness as a detractor from the joy. If only they could understand that the darkness of night makes the sunrise stunning."

She and her husband have been going through a dark time since they found out their son has autism. In another blog I was reading, Brantley was talking about adding another child to their family. First, they were going to adopt again, and then they went through a year and a half with trying to get pregnant. There are others blogs that I frequent as well....a lot of them have children with special needs; a few other have lost babies, and are pregnant again. They are dealing with the joy in their grief. 

What I am trying to say, I guess, is that we are all going through our own darkness. It looks different to others. It may not even look like darkness to others reading/observing it. One person is dealing with infertility, others are dealing with severe financial problems (oh, wait, that's us!!) Other people are dealing with a loss of a baby, or sickness, or the loss of a loved one. 

We have been going through our own darkness. Loss of jobs, EI, unemployment, and of course infertility (although we aren't even trying or thinking of TTC right now..mainly because we can't) have all been our darkness lately. Honestly, it sucks. Big time. I try to stay positive. I try to not let others know (even from some of my family members) on/of what is going on. I am trying to be positive on FB as well, and even on our blog. It is hard. Our marriage is suffering big time. We DID have a date ystrdy, but those are few and far btwn lately. I actually started crying last night. I can't hold on any longer. I can't be strong for much longer. I am tired. I am sleeping in A LOT lately. I don't think it has much to do with my going to bed late/being a night owl, and not a morning person (although I don't like getting up earlier than 8 am!). My spiritual life is suffering. I go to church, but not every Sunday. When I do go, I sit in the balcony, and I play on my phone. I will often leave as soon as church is over, instead of talking to people. I am tired of pretending be positive with everyone. Pretending that life is ok. That we are doing awesome (altho I know some ppl in our church know that we aren't doing well). So, that is partly why I am staying at home and not connecting like I know I should. I do connect still, just not as much I used to. I do pray still. A LOT. 

I know good things have been happening. We got two gift cards, people are taking us out for meals, and my aunt is helping when and where she can. I am grateful, I am (we are), but I want a job, I want to make a difference in this world. I want to find something that is fulfilling for me. 

I don't know what God has in store for us. I don't know the end of the story; the end of this chapter. I am frustrated, but I am also excited. I know God is showing us something. I am trying to see it, but it is hard through the darkness. I am trying to see the goodness in the little things; the daily things that happen.

God is in control. I am trying to see this. Daily. Hourly. 

Did God Turn Away?

As I have said before, I have a few blog posts that are going around in my head;) Right now, I will just save this, and publish it maybe on Monday. I am getting a bit tired of linking up every week, with every link up, so I might just go "solo" for a while:)

Ok...on with my post.

As we are at the start of the Remembrance Day Long Wknd, my thoughts have for obvious reasons, have turned to WW2, and the current wars being fought all over the world.

The Holocaust bothers me. It isn't that I don't think it happened. I know it did. I just don't understand why God allowed sinful men (and let's face it, women) to "take over" Europe, and in essence, did horrible things to innocent people. People were killed, pregnant women (among others) endured "experiments", families were torn apart, all in the name of what? Power? "Religion"? Because they were Jewish, homosexual, black, and who knows what else? They were starved, beaten, abused, women and young girls were taken advantage of (and probably men, too), left to stand for hours in the rain, cold, snow, and heat, all to see how "tough" they were..

Did God turn away when all of this was happening? Did He not care? Could He not stand to see the pain and hurt and the sin? The part that hurts me the most was the children that were killed. Yes, the adults, too, make me sad, but it is the children that really make me, well, mad. I don't understand. Actually, I take that back. The entire Holocaust makes me mad. NO ONE deserved to be treated like that. There were people in communities who had Concentration Camps right outside their door, and didn't do anything, nor did they care. Why did He allow so many people to die? And for what? During Pearl Harbour, the bomb on Hiroshima, among other events during the time, did God turn away? Why did innocent people get killed along with the attackers?

I KNOW God did some amazing things, and used some mighty people during the war (and course, in the wars now). Look at what Corrie and Betsey ten Boom and Irena Sendler did, among others? He used them to save thousands of children, and families, allowing them to escape, or hide in their houses. And for that, I am grateful. I know God is using people now. I know that we will hear some amazing stories in heaven about how God used people. But while we are on this earth, I just don't understand how there can be so much violence from/through war.

Did he turn away when the children of Syria had the chemical burn a few months ago? Why does He allow things like this to happen to innocent children? (Of course, there are other times in life when I don't understand God allowing kids to be hurt and neglected, and abused, but I am making this more of a war-related post, so I am just sticking with events related to that in this post)

Capture your Grief Photography Project; Days 8,9, & 10

I am determined to finish this:) I am actually on time, if I do this according to November 2013:)

As I have mentioned before, I am taking part in Carly Marie's Capture your Grief Project. This actually pertains to babies who have been lost through miscarriage, still birth, etc, but I am wanting to take part in this project as someone who has never (or will never) had a child. All too often, people focus on the baby loss, which is very important, but hardly anyone discusses or understands infertility. Just because we don't have anything to mourn, it doesn't meant that we don't mourn. If anything, it makes it harder, as we have no grave stone to visit, no box to go through, no birthday to celebrate, etc.

We are supposed to take pictures of our own, but I don't have a lot of pictures for this, so I am either using internet pics, or none at all. I have used a few pictures of my own that I am using, however. To be honest, I don't know how a person (even ones who are BLM's participating), can provide a picture for every single day. A lot of the days, while they are great subjects, don't seem to (in my mind) require a picture; I don't know how a picture would fit in..anyway..just a thought.

Ok....on with this post:)

8. Colour: What colour/s represent your baby? Why that colour/s?
Since we haven't had a child, we don't have any colours, however IF we had a girl, I would dress her in pink and purple:) A boy would be blue. Infertility Awareness colours are teal and pink.

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?

There have been a few songs lately that when I hear them, I really just shut the world off and think, and pray. I am loving this one, by Lincoln Brewster. It is called Surrender. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oyHpLg32c8

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Before you take part in Day 10 please note this, I welcome everyone to join this Capture Your Grief Challenge including people of all belief systems and also those who have no beliefs at all. What I ask of you, is that you respect everyone else here. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not. If you choose to share your beliefs today, please make sure that you respect everyone else’s beliefs even if you do not agree or understand them. Do not tell anyone else that they are wrong if they do not share your own beliefs and please do not push your views onto anyone else. I am very proud to say that everyone who comes to my page are 99% of the time respectful to each other and very kind (I sometimes wonder if I am being protected by a greater force as it is so rare to have so very few problems on a social media page with 1000′s of people!). I would really love everyone to honour this request for love and respect today. We can all complete this day peacefully together. I believe this day can be a very interesting and beautiful one. Let us honour our similarities and our differences too.

Wow...this could be a long one! I will keep it short, however. I am a Christian, and when babies die, I believe they go to heaven. End of story. As adults, if you have made a conscious decision to follow Jesus, and He is your Salvation, you will go to heaven. I am not going to go into the particulars, etc, because that isn't what this project is about:)

Surrender

Since this is a blog primarily about one of two things, infertility being one of them (and our life as a childless couple being the other), I thought I would actually use this post to talk about the subject, or at least on how I have been coping lately:)

It seems that every time I blog, I end up linking up with someone, which is fine, but I like to do my own things once in awhile:)

It is now 10:33 pm PST on Thursday night:) Don't worry, I didn't die or get raptured; I started this and then (as usual) got busy with other things, and then I left work. Errands. Home. Supper. Dishes. More Dishes. Laundry. TV. Remake bed (with freshly washed mattress cover). TV. Bath.

So, I am back:) I think I will make this a short post, as I am tired, and words don't seem to come as well, when I am tired.

So, back to my title of the post.

Surrender. It can make you or break you. You can love it, or you can hate it. But it is always inevitable. I am so no where I thought I would be. I thought I would be married (ok, I am married), with a few kids, and or a cool career. You know, one that would allow me fly on airplanes and sleep in hotels. I thought the man I would marry would have a good income, we would have bout a house, and a nice car, and go on a vacay or two further than a few hours away every year. That didn't happen (yet!). And you know what? That's ok. I mean, I think for the first time in our marriage (heck, maybe even in my life) that I am FINALLY saying to my God, my friends, heck, even myself, that I am for the most part, ok with where we are. You can fight it, or go with it. I think I have decided to go with it. Yes, it is hard. Harder than I thought, and our lives have been compared to others, fairly easy.

I wanted kids. I still want them. I yearn for them. I still dream of them. Of a time when someone will miracoulsy say, hey, you can the child growing inside of me, or one of thousands of scenarios that I have envisioned, but realistically, I don't think that is going to happen. Can I honestly say that it is ok? No, not yet, but I can surrender to what God wants.

Tithing is a part of surrendering. For people not familiar with tithing, it is giving a 10th of what you make to God. Even billionaires give a 10th (or more) to charity. So, for most, tithing, or charitable giving, is not a foreign concept to most. But, I digress. Tithing has always been a hard things for me. It isn't that I don't believe in it; it is just that I always seem to never have enough...or at least I don't think that I do. I don't tithe because of fear. I need that extra few bucks (or I think I do). I can always find another bill that needs to get paid, or more stuff for our house, more coffee to drink, more gas for our car, more food, etc. Also, there have been a number of times that I have tithed, and something financially has gone bad or wrong; car problems, unexpected payments that have come out, etc. So, we don't tithe for awhile after something like that. But lately, I have been convicted the last while to start tithing again. So, for the past two paycheques, I have tithed my salary. I want to surrender at least a part of my money to God.

Job Searching (or lack thereof) is surrender. I had a job interview last Friday (FYI, having a job interview at 5 pm on a long wknd is not the greatest idea). I think it went ok. Not great, but ok. I thought I would have heard back from them by now, but I haven't, so I am assuming that I didn't get it. And you know what? That's ok (well, not completely ok, but I may have a couple of other prospects). If I get it, great. If I don't, well, I know that God has something else out there for us (But please God, can you do it quickly, as I have a student loan starting the end of next month!!!).

Plans are kind of like surrendering. Hubby bday was the other day, and we had planned on going out to dinner with some friends. They cancelled (kind of) last minute. I was a little upset, but hubby didn't seem bothered by it (to be fair, we did have a big bday bash last year). I tried to invite some couples to come, but it didn't work out. I was a bit sad (mainly for him), but I decided that we would have our own time. I got him a cake, and a couple movies and we had our TV Turkey dinners and we watched hubby's tv shows. And you know what? I think I enjoyed that more than going out. And you know what else? I KNOW he did, too!

So, those have been my thoughts on surrender this week. Yes, I may still find it hard to go to baby showers, and to congratulate my pregnant friends (family is a no-brainer...at least for the most part..I love having nieces and nephews to spoil!), but for the most part, at least lately, I have been doing ok with our infertility journey (although I gotta say, there must have been 100 babies and kids under 5 at that wedding on Saturday, so I have to admit, I was a tiny bit sad). Maybe that means that God is doing something in me (us); maybe he is working in/on me (us). Or, maybe it just means that I am growing up:)

My #1 verse (well, I have two, but this always speaks to me) is Jeremiah 29:11.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Love what it says, and I always feel better after I have read/said it.

I also love this song; I think it's from Hillsong.  The song I found on YT was by Lincoln Brewster. You can view it here.

PS...did you know that bat babies are called pups? Who knew?

How Great IS our God?/Fear

Please note: this is a real, raw, and slightly negative post. Please do not send me hate emails. If you don't like reading posts like this, the move on to another blog:)


I thought I am (and should) due for a  "real" blog post. You know, the one that makes you laugh and cry. The one that moves you:)

This week seems to be really crazy busy, and I have no clue as to what with or why. Next wk is going to be CRAZY! Like, if I have time to blog, I will be surprised:)

Over the wknd, I came across this video, which is one of my favourite songs. I am always moved when I sing/see/hear it. Then I got to thinking; how great IS our God? I have to admit. I have a problem. I have a hard time with how great our God is bit. I hope that it is not disrespecting Him. I am not. I just have a hard time with it. I don't see His goodness/greatness. I mean, in the every day/small things (which is of course, important, too), but nothing major (or even fairly big) has happened lately. I am still working where I am working, and no new jobs have come up. I have student loans to start paying off next month. How am I going to pay that off with what we are making now? Didn't I go to school so I could make more money?? Yah. Nice one, April. Smart girl you are!

I am stressed to the max. I haven't even gone for coffee to relax (other than yesterday with hubby) in ages. I seem to be constantly be busy, and when I am not busy, I feel guilty that I am not. I know I need to rest. In Him. And with myself (does that sound too New-Age-y??) There is constantly too much TV to watch (I **must** watch), too many books to read, Bible study to do (ahem, and read the Bible), too many magazines to read, too many errands to go. Too many place to go. Too much house to clean :)

But I am digressing (again)...Back to my point...I want to believe that God can do all things, but I just feel that He isn't. I feel like He has forgotten us. I thought that going to school would open more doors. Instead, it is (or will) open more debt. I am not making any more financially, so it is going be bad, if we don't tighten our budget. I don't know what God has in store for us. I wonder if God is even listening. Am I talking to a brick wall? Does He even care or listen? Doesn't he want the best for us?

I am tired. I want a break. I want something good, and exciting to happen. Nothing big. I don't need to go to Africa yet. I don't need to be moved across the country. I just want a decent job that I enjoy and that can help us live. We don't live richly. Yes, we buy things we probably shouldn't, but we don't buy in excess, either. I do buy magazines, and things for our house when I see cool things that would match. I do buy CD's and books, etc from work. But I, too, am careful, and try to limit on how much.

People talk about the prosperity gospel. I don't believe in it. I DO know that God wants us to be free of debt, and live within our means, and, well, have money, but I don't believe in the whole - God wants - you- to- have- lots -of -money,- and- live- like- Donald -Trump- Gospel. I just want money to buy a few things, and still have some over by the end of the month. I try to tithe, but to be honest, I don't always. I think I have talked about this before, so I won't digress about it again here.

This past wk in our Bible Study, we talked about Fear. I fear. A lot. Mainly in the what ifs, and in the unknowns. I don't like not knowing. I don't like what ifs. I don't now what God has in store. I fear that things will get worse. I fear that kids will never happen for us (actually, I really don't think they will), I fear that I will get some other medical ailment, or that hubby will. I fear that this is "as good as it gets". We haven't moved since we got married. In some ways, I feel very stagnant. Other than getting a new car, and going to school, we are pretty much the same (in the same place) as when we got married.

Sometimes, I feel so done. With life. With God. With our marriage. With people. With Facebook/blogging. I just want to go and live on an island somewhere. Alone. Well, maybe with a good book. I feel that people don't get me (us). They say things like (and I s"Aay things about us, too, "just work harder", "look for more work/another job." "Just work at whatever job (in my career) you get, so it can go on your resume"."Be glad you don't have kids, they just cost money, and they are too much work". " You don't have the money to have kids". "You shouldn't have a cat, if you can barely afford yourselves". "Just adopt." "Foster or foster to adopt". "Go on disability". "Go and move up north (or other parts of BC/Canada). "Get a new car (or fix the one you have)". Ok, we should fix our car.

And sometimes, I feel so alone. And sometimes, I don't have want to talk to people.  Because no one knows or understands or situation. So, I tend to not want to get out, or if I do, I go alone.  Sometimes, I will avoid Bible Study, or church, or ladies coffee.  When I try to speak; to tell my woes (as everyone does) I feel that people don't understand. So, I tend not to say anything. I tend to retreat.

I listen a lot of Christian music, since I work at a Christian book store. I listen to these songs. Yes, I can be (and am) encouraged by them, but at times, I wonder if this is all true? I listen/read stuff on the net. I read books, or read/hear/see testimonies, on how and what God is doing (or did) in their life. Do you have to live a life of sin before coming to Jesus to have exciting things happen to you? Wow! Where do I sign up? I am sorry that I grew up a Christian, and had a good life, and did what I was taught (most of the time). Now what? I was on Twitter the other day, on Angie Smiths page. Her sister, Emily Freeman wrote a book, called "A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art you were Made to Live". I saw the YT introduction, and while I thought it was a good intro (and probably a good book), I tweeted to Angie something like "sure this is easy to say and do if your life is going perfect." She then said I could email her. Which I think I will. But anyway, back to my point. There all these books. CD's, etc on saying on how wonderful God is, and while I KNOW and still LOVE God, I am finding it hard to believe these days. Sure, it is easy to love God, and to say and do all these things when you have money, and/or your life is perfect. Is it easy to say you love God when you only have a few dollars left in the bank? Or when you are living on pasta (thankfully, we aren't there quite yet..lol).  It is easy to write books when your life is perfect, and you have money. It is easy to write books about how God has helped/saved/restored you when/after you have lived through it. It is easy to write books on courting and marriage. AFTER you tie the knot, and are happily married. It is easy to write books on infertility. AFTER you have adopted and had (surprise!) two or three kids of your own. It is easy (ok, easier..I will be sensitive here) to talk publicly about abortion/still birth/the death of a child when you are a national Christian Speaker, and are wanted by everyone and asked to talk at numerous events. Nothing sad like that has happened to me? Can God use someone like me? Jesus, I am SCREAMING at you. Help me! Help us!

I know this is a depressing (but oh so real) post. Back to happy posts tomorrow. Promise :)

Would ya'll like a picture for TT? Sure you would!

Just Gramma and Me. I was probably about 10 or 11 here.