7.5

I was thinking yesterday (as I usually do) about the state of our marriage (among other things), and I was thinking on how happy our marriage is (and on how happy I am as a whole/person), and I have come to the conclusion that we are about a 7.5 (with 10 being the most perfect, at which point, they are probably lying..ha!!).

We are in a pretty good spot/place right now. We love where we live..our crazy neighbours are gone, and have (mostly) nice ones at the moment. Our money situation is OKAY (not great, but certainly not bad, either), and we are doing well health-wise (he is trying to quit smoking, and his moods are way better), and we do fairly well with communicating (but we could be better), and I think we are getting in the groove life-wise. He is sort of involved in the church (though still not going regularly), and he is in a better place spiritually, which helps our marriage in general. He tries to make supper a bit more, and he will do a bit more things around the house, and he thanked Mom for taking me shopping (and I didn't even have to cue him to do it!)!

Where could we improve? Well, everywhere! He isn't going to church regularly (as I stated), and he still doesn't like getting out much (either for church, or even for dates). He could be more romantic, and he still does things to irk me (still smoking, for one). I wish he would get out of his comfort zone a bit, and I also wish that he would be the Spiritual Leader of our home. I also wish that we would talk a bit more. We have a bad habit (which I kind of got us into) of spending much of the day/evening a part: I will be our bedroom, and he would be in the living room..so, I think we tend to miss out some doing that. But we do talk when he comes into bed, and often, I leave the door open, and we will talk as we doing our stuff. I do wish, that we would talk more...and more about things that matter...but I think that that is who we are....we talk when something needs to come up/out. Of course, there times when something is bugging me. and I do find it hard to bring up..or he doesn't think there is anything wrong...and I tend to find it hard to bring up. But, things do get talked (ab)out in the end.

But all in all, I think things are going along ok. I tend to put up with A LOT more than what others would, so to someone else, it may not look like things are going well (nor if they were in this relationship, they would probably be a lot less content than I am...lol).

On the whole, we are pretty happy...and content...and thankful :)

Where do you think your marriage (or yourself) is? On what scale do you think your life is at right now?

Weekend Wrap Up

Happy Monday!!!

I hope everyone had a great weekend!!! My wknd was pretty awesome!

On Friday, we had no work that day, so I slept in, and hung out in the morning, and called one of my aunts, and I went on a planned shopping spree with my mum and one of my SIL's. I thought we would maybe get a couple of pants and a couple tops....we bought (or rather she bought) 5 pants, and four tops (plus a camisole), and a pair of dress shoes, and I bought a casual t-shirt the next day. So, yah...it was a pretty epic trip! I will probably do a post on it, and talk about what I got, etc. First though, we went and tried out a new (to us and to the city) restaurant called Brown's Social House. I guess there are a few in Vancouver (which I didn't know about), and now there is one here. We all gave it a 4/5, as although the food was great, we could have gotten more than for what we (or again, what she) paid for. My SIL and I both at the Lime Halibut Tacos.We went shopping after lunch, then went to Krystle's for tea and danties, and then we went back out shopping.  We went to Costco, where I got TBBT season 9, and I got a Costco Membership again. Then, we went to the mall, looking for shoes for me. We found a pair of shoes that I thought would be semi-comfy, and then they drove me home, and went back to Vavenby. I got home around 7, and hubby had already started dinner, so we ate dinner in our respective rooms (we have a bad habit of that), and I think I just watched TV; Judge Judy, and then I called another one of my aunts, and we talked for quite awhile (at least I think I did this on Friday...it might have been on Thursday..I can't remember..lol), and I ended up watching more TV...I watched some Gilmore Girls. Went to bed (kind of) early.

Saturday, I woke up around 10, and Anker had come back to bed, as he was really tired (he has been waking up early), so I went out for awhile. I got a dollar store breakfast, and then went to Starbucks, then to the library. I did some budget and week planning, and then came home around 5. We had pizza (with extra toppings on top!!), and then I went back out to get another t-shrt from the same store where we had said shopping spree, as I could get any one item for 40% off. I went to Wal-Mart, then off to look after H for the evening. I watched GG, and had popcorn. I came home, Fb'd and went to bed.

Sunday, I went to church, and I did nursery (I have just started doing nursery again after 5 yrs of not doing it), and then went to Wal-Mart again. I ended grabbing a few camisoles that I might need for my new shirts. I was going to get Anker and I some McD's for lunch, but I phone ahead, and he said that the had eaten already, so I grabbed myself something, and went to the park. It was GORGEOUS! I ended up going for a 30 minute walk around the park, and then came home. One of my brothers called, and we talked for a half hour.  We also had two (yes TWO) sets of visitors, one to drop off something that I had bid on (I know her well), and other set dropped off some wool for Anker, so we spent a short time visiting with them.  I watched some of TBBT season 9, and last weeks episode, and I relaxed in the evening..watching GG, and Frasier, and organizing my clothes..putting some on/in the bidding site to try to get some money. I went to bed late, as usual, after chatting with hubby for a bit. I managed to do two loads of laundry over the weekend, and I also made some muffins (from a package..but I did add zucchini and carrots), and changed the sheets on our bed. Anker stayed at home for most of the wknd, and knitted and did dishes, and watched TV.

It was a lovely wknd, and here are back to Monday!!

New Job and a Weird Sickness

Yes, I am falling behind in posts :) Just been watching the Olympics busy with life., and really not into blogging much lately.

That being said, I thought I would do another short update on what we've been up to.

First, in case you missed in my last post, I got a new job!! It is only casual for now,  but I am hoping to get more hours SOON, and come May, I will be probably be begging for days off. I love it! I work in a group home, with great people. It almost doesn't feel like work. I am actually sad when I am not there, and wondering how and what everyone is doing . I already got my first paychq!! I have been debating about getting another job to help fill the gap, but I want to be ready in case they call me. I also do have a mother's helper position, which is a few hours a wk. It gives us a bit of extra coffee and gas money, which is nothing to sneeze at. This is another job that really doesn't feel like work...at least most of the time. I get hang with the kids, and chat with the mom, who has become my friend. Plus it only takes me 5 minutes to get there.

Anker hasn't been feeling well for awhile. Since Christmas, really. His testosterone is fine, and thyroid, etc. He did some blood work in January, and they found out his liver enzymes were elevated. Our doctor was great to get on it, and send him for more blood work. We checked for hepatitis (negative..yay!), among other things. We thought it had something to do with his liver. He then got him to an ultrasound of his liver, which we had to wait all last wknd for. Monday, we found out there was NOTHING wrong with his liver/GB or kidneys. It was a relief, but also it is a bit frustrating. He is now on the list to wait to see a GI specialist (in Canada, you have to be referred to ANY specialist - unless you go to ER/hospital, and even then you may still get referred at a later date-that is how our heath care system works), which I will try to get a hold of tomorrow. We think it could be ulcers, as the pain happens after he eats. He doesn't have his energy back at all. He just does what he has to do, then he comes home, and has a nap. He hasn't been ANYWHERE much lately. We did manage to get out on Sunday afternoon for a few minutes, where he did manage to get me a few Vday gifts a couple days late.  Anyway, at least we know it isn't cancer or some other deadly disease, but we still don't know exactly what it is. I hope we find out what it is SOON!!

Valentine's Day

As to not inundate my blog readers with MANY posts, I will try to combine a couple. This will not be one of those posts :)

(I am also going to work back chronologically in my blog posts...not sure if you will notice or not, but since I started with FoF, and BBTB...which the link will be official next Thursday...I will go back most recent to not so recent).

It seems in the recent years, that Vday has become more of a kid/family holiday. Another holiday that makes me sad, b/c we don't have any children to share it with. It would be different if I had a couple of kids (nieces, nephews, etc) we could make Vday's for (and I have in the past..last year was kind of fun, b/c I made VDay cards for the kid in my practicum), or take out or whatever, but since we don't have that, well, it makes for a bit of a sad holiday. Just another reminder that we don't have kids. I have seen A LOT of bloggers/blog post post about VDay, and most of them (I think) revolve around their kids, and how they all celebrated it as a family.

So, considering how our last few VDay's have gone, this last one wasn't so bad. You can read about the disastrous Vdays here, here, and here. Actually, last years wasn't that bad.

Since Anker wasn't feeling well (more on that in my next post), I wasn't expecting much to happen. In the past, I have kind of left it up to him to do, which, to be fair, isn't always a good thing. I tried to sleep in, but I woke up at 7:30 am, and I hung out, and then I went out for VDay SBX (see my FoF post on that). I had them made me a pink hot chocolate, and read my mags. I was going to my other job as a mothers helper, so I decided to just stay out. I ran a few errands, and I bought hubby dollar store gifts (aren't those the best kind?) and a card, along with getting the kids I help with a few gifts, and then headed off to my job. I thought I would come home to bed, but I got a second wind, so I went to the library, and came home and relaxed.

 I knew by this time that Anker wasn't going to plan anything, nor had he got me anything (ya, don't get me started on that), so I decided that I would make something happen. I went and got Chinese food from our favourite place, brought it back, lit candles and we ate in the living room. We watched the news, and some of the Olympics, and by then, Anker was feeling horrible. I didn't take any pictures (I did take one of gifts, just today), b/c I kind of forgot. There wasn't much to take of, anyway.

My friend/neighbour came over for a minute, and we talked about getting together, so with Anker's blessing (he was going to bed), I hung out with her for the rest of the evening. We watched a show on NF, and then went to WM (because that IS our weekly routine, it seems..I know, we are wild and crazy). We came home around 10, and watched more shows, ate popcorn, and read magazines. It actually wasn't a terrible day, and we had a fun time catching up.

So, that was our VDay 2014!!!

Darkness

I will do a FOF/Random 5 Friday later today. For now, though, I wanted to talk a little about what I am (we) are going through. I was reading on a few of the blogs that I follow, and two of them were talking about walking through darkness.

I love the quote that I saw on Leanne's blog.

"Sometimes one has to walk through the often complete darkness of grief to embrace the light of joy to be found in challenging circumstances. Feeling that grief does not diminish the joy one feels at the end. In fact embracing the grief enables one to experience the joy more fully. Yet for some they see acknowledgement of the darkness as a detractor from the joy. If only they could understand that the darkness of night makes the sunrise stunning."

She and her husband have been going through a dark time since they found out their son has autism. In another blog I was reading, Brantley was talking about adding another child to their family. First, they were going to adopt again, and then they went through a year and a half with trying to get pregnant. There are others blogs that I frequent as well....a lot of them have children with special needs; a few other have lost babies, and are pregnant again. They are dealing with the joy in their grief. 

What I am trying to say, I guess, is that we are all going through our own darkness. It looks different to others. It may not even look like darkness to others reading/observing it. One person is dealing with infertility, others are dealing with severe financial problems (oh, wait, that's us!!) Other people are dealing with a loss of a baby, or sickness, or the loss of a loved one. 

We have been going through our own darkness. Loss of jobs, EI, unemployment, and of course infertility (although we aren't even trying or thinking of TTC right now..mainly because we can't) have all been our darkness lately. Honestly, it sucks. Big time. I try to stay positive. I try to not let others know (even from some of my family members) on/of what is going on. I am trying to be positive on FB as well, and even on our blog. It is hard. Our marriage is suffering big time. We DID have a date ystrdy, but those are few and far btwn lately. I actually started crying last night. I can't hold on any longer. I can't be strong for much longer. I am tired. I am sleeping in A LOT lately. I don't think it has much to do with my going to bed late/being a night owl, and not a morning person (although I don't like getting up earlier than 8 am!). My spiritual life is suffering. I go to church, but not every Sunday. When I do go, I sit in the balcony, and I play on my phone. I will often leave as soon as church is over, instead of talking to people. I am tired of pretending be positive with everyone. Pretending that life is ok. That we are doing awesome (altho I know some ppl in our church know that we aren't doing well). So, that is partly why I am staying at home and not connecting like I know I should. I do connect still, just not as much I used to. I do pray still. A LOT. 

I know good things have been happening. We got two gift cards, people are taking us out for meals, and my aunt is helping when and where she can. I am grateful, I am (we are), but I want a job, I want to make a difference in this world. I want to find something that is fulfilling for me. 

I don't know what God has in store for us. I don't know the end of the story; the end of this chapter. I am frustrated, but I am also excited. I know God is showing us something. I am trying to see it, but it is hard through the darkness. I am trying to see the goodness in the little things; the daily things that happen.

God is in control. I am trying to see this. Daily. Hourly. 

Five on Friday/Random 5/Show Us Your Life/Let's Be Friends Blog Hops

Happy Friday!!!  Yes, I am doing FOUR Blog hops today!!! I wasn't going to do the LBF one, but then I thought, "why not? It is only an extra link I have to post". I also decided to participate in SUYL this week as well.

 

So, let's get started!

 

 

1. I mentioned this yesterday, but I am grasping at straws for FoF this week, so I may be repeating myself a few times. My mom has written a book!! I am so excited to say that it's on Amazon! Since is a PG - Type title, I am going to include the link only. Go and take a look!!

 

2. I got (FINALLY!)  the third season of Downton Abbey. I haven't even begun to watch it yet. Hopefully, I will start on it in this wknd.

 

3. Speaking of this weekend, we are going to be SUPER BUSY tomorrow; or at least later tomorrow afternoon/evening. Our church is having our 2nd Annual (at least in name) Fall Family Fai. Last years was so much fun, and a ton of people came! It's a lot of work, but it is worth it. I will probably go sometime during the day to help set up, and then help manage the booths. Then half way through the evening, I have to run to check out Mom's Book Launch/Party. Should be a fun and crazy night!

 

4. We have no money. True Story. My younger brother and SIL were in town, and they bought me a PSL at Starbucks. SO good!! Oh, and we had a nice chat, too:) Then I stayed on after they left to read magazines from the library.

 

5.  I love fall. Most of this week we have been engulfed by fog. While I hate driving in it, I LOVE looking at it:) Here are a couple of pictures I took yesterday on my phone.

I love it!!! These pictures don't do it justice.

 

5.1. Again, I know I already said this in my WS link up post, but I went with my friend to see her mom and dad about a half hour away. The drive there and back was simply amazing!

 

Linking up with Nancy at A Rural Journal for this weeks Random 5 Friday.

 

1. A couple of opportunities have presented themselves to me (us) this week (well, actually yesterday). We are both excited about them. More to (maybe) come in another post.

 

2. I need to get some new underwear. I actually had none yesterday when I went to get dressed. I had to do a load of laundry yesterday morning, so that I had a pair to wear today. True Story.

 

3. We have no money until we get paid next Thursday. Another True Story. Not sure how that will work. I also won't be able to buy any magazines this week. I know. Sob Story.

 

4. The heat at work has gone. So, I was very cold yesterday. At least the fireplace works.

 

5. Anker has been dehydrating fruits the last week. Apples, grapes, plums. Yum!

 

5.1. I now have 21 Followers on my blog. So does my blogging friend Sky-Ann.

 

Tiffany @ The Dwelling Tree

Linking up with Kelly this week for SUYL!

 

I haven't been participating lately in this link up, because simply put, I haven' been experience (or have experienced) (for lack of a better word), the subjects that she has been highlighting, which is totally ok! This week, however, I think I can participate, since I AM married! I have posted several times on the blog about our love story. If you spent a few hours minutes scrolling through the blog, you will surely come across it. But to sum it up, we met online, we met fast, we married fast. Yah, because we are fast like that:)

 

There are a few pieces of advice that I can give, especially to ones just starting out;

 

1. Marriage is NOT going to be perfect. It isn't going to look the same as your siblings, your parents, your next door neighbour (obviously, no hitting, or abuse or neglect  should EVER be involved! THAT IS NOT OKAY!). What works for them may not work for you, and vice versa. You are going to go through hard times. That is inevitable. It isn't going to look like your favourite actors/resses, or characters on your favourites shows. Unless you are wealthy, you won't be able to afford a nanny, a gardener, a chauffer, etc. You have to do most of it yourself. And it is hard! We live paycheque to paycheque. I have good friends who are MUCH more well off than we will ever be. And you know what? That's ok. That's just life. Of course, strive for more, but on the whole, embrace what you have (ok, I hate living PC to PC, and we are hoping that it will change soon, but I think you get what I am getting at).

 

2. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate! I cannot say enough about this. Spend time with each other. A LOT. William Harley in his book, His Needs, Her Needs recommends that a couple spends 15 hours a week ALONE with no interruptions. That means, no TV, no other couples, family, kids, etc. People say "we can't spend that much time together, we don't have the time". Quickly think of how much time you spend watching TV or being on the Net, or having girls night out? Maybe 15 hours IS too much time. For you. Maybe you can't physically make it happen. What about 8 hours a week? Heck, even 4! That is an hour after your kids (if you have any) 4 nights a week after you kids are in bed. So, I guess what I am trying to say at least try to spend time with your partner at least once a week talking. Hubby and I try, but we don't always succeed. A lot of times "date night" consists of MY making a dinner (or us getting taking out) and watching a movie. It isn't the best quality time, but at least we are together, and we will often spend time talking after the movie. The last few wks we haven't had a date night. We have spent time talking and being together (road trips, etc), so that is good, but we haven't spent a TON of time talking. This wknd isn't going to be much better, as either one or both of us are going to be busy for most of the day tomorrow, and into the evening; but we do what we can.

 

3. Marry someone who has at least some money! Trust me, it isn't everything, but it sure does help!!

 

That is my little piece of marriage advice:)

 

 

 

 

 

Throwback Thursday and a Book Announcement

Just a short post today.

This picture went up on my FB page today.

 

I also am proud to say that my mom is now an accomplished author! She has written a book, about, how shall I say this in case little eyes are prying?...happiness in marriage:)

 

The best part? It is on Amazon.com! Not sure if it on the Canadian/UK sites yet (I tried to type it in, but it didn't show up). Here are a couple of links: Amazon; Create Space

Go and check it out:)

 

Happy Thursday!

How Great IS our God?/Fear

Please note: this is a real, raw, and slightly negative post. Please do not send me hate emails. If you don't like reading posts like this, the move on to another blog:)


I thought I am (and should) due for a  "real" blog post. You know, the one that makes you laugh and cry. The one that moves you:)

This week seems to be really crazy busy, and I have no clue as to what with or why. Next wk is going to be CRAZY! Like, if I have time to blog, I will be surprised:)

Over the wknd, I came across this video, which is one of my favourite songs. I am always moved when I sing/see/hear it. Then I got to thinking; how great IS our God? I have to admit. I have a problem. I have a hard time with how great our God is bit. I hope that it is not disrespecting Him. I am not. I just have a hard time with it. I don't see His goodness/greatness. I mean, in the every day/small things (which is of course, important, too), but nothing major (or even fairly big) has happened lately. I am still working where I am working, and no new jobs have come up. I have student loans to start paying off next month. How am I going to pay that off with what we are making now? Didn't I go to school so I could make more money?? Yah. Nice one, April. Smart girl you are!

I am stressed to the max. I haven't even gone for coffee to relax (other than yesterday with hubby) in ages. I seem to be constantly be busy, and when I am not busy, I feel guilty that I am not. I know I need to rest. In Him. And with myself (does that sound too New-Age-y??) There is constantly too much TV to watch (I **must** watch), too many books to read, Bible study to do (ahem, and read the Bible), too many magazines to read, too many errands to go. Too many place to go. Too much house to clean :)

But I am digressing (again)...Back to my point...I want to believe that God can do all things, but I just feel that He isn't. I feel like He has forgotten us. I thought that going to school would open more doors. Instead, it is (or will) open more debt. I am not making any more financially, so it is going be bad, if we don't tighten our budget. I don't know what God has in store for us. I wonder if God is even listening. Am I talking to a brick wall? Does He even care or listen? Doesn't he want the best for us?

I am tired. I want a break. I want something good, and exciting to happen. Nothing big. I don't need to go to Africa yet. I don't need to be moved across the country. I just want a decent job that I enjoy and that can help us live. We don't live richly. Yes, we buy things we probably shouldn't, but we don't buy in excess, either. I do buy magazines, and things for our house when I see cool things that would match. I do buy CD's and books, etc from work. But I, too, am careful, and try to limit on how much.

People talk about the prosperity gospel. I don't believe in it. I DO know that God wants us to be free of debt, and live within our means, and, well, have money, but I don't believe in the whole - God wants - you- to- have- lots -of -money,- and- live- like- Donald -Trump- Gospel. I just want money to buy a few things, and still have some over by the end of the month. I try to tithe, but to be honest, I don't always. I think I have talked about this before, so I won't digress about it again here.

This past wk in our Bible Study, we talked about Fear. I fear. A lot. Mainly in the what ifs, and in the unknowns. I don't like not knowing. I don't like what ifs. I don't now what God has in store. I fear that things will get worse. I fear that kids will never happen for us (actually, I really don't think they will), I fear that I will get some other medical ailment, or that hubby will. I fear that this is "as good as it gets". We haven't moved since we got married. In some ways, I feel very stagnant. Other than getting a new car, and going to school, we are pretty much the same (in the same place) as when we got married.

Sometimes, I feel so done. With life. With God. With our marriage. With people. With Facebook/blogging. I just want to go and live on an island somewhere. Alone. Well, maybe with a good book. I feel that people don't get me (us). They say things like (and I s"Aay things about us, too, "just work harder", "look for more work/another job." "Just work at whatever job (in my career) you get, so it can go on your resume"."Be glad you don't have kids, they just cost money, and they are too much work". " You don't have the money to have kids". "You shouldn't have a cat, if you can barely afford yourselves". "Just adopt." "Foster or foster to adopt". "Go on disability". "Go and move up north (or other parts of BC/Canada). "Get a new car (or fix the one you have)". Ok, we should fix our car.

And sometimes, I feel so alone. And sometimes, I don't have want to talk to people.  Because no one knows or understands or situation. So, I tend to not want to get out, or if I do, I go alone.  Sometimes, I will avoid Bible Study, or church, or ladies coffee.  When I try to speak; to tell my woes (as everyone does) I feel that people don't understand. So, I tend not to say anything. I tend to retreat.

I listen a lot of Christian music, since I work at a Christian book store. I listen to these songs. Yes, I can be (and am) encouraged by them, but at times, I wonder if this is all true? I listen/read stuff on the net. I read books, or read/hear/see testimonies, on how and what God is doing (or did) in their life. Do you have to live a life of sin before coming to Jesus to have exciting things happen to you? Wow! Where do I sign up? I am sorry that I grew up a Christian, and had a good life, and did what I was taught (most of the time). Now what? I was on Twitter the other day, on Angie Smiths page. Her sister, Emily Freeman wrote a book, called "A Million Little Ways: Uncover the Art you were Made to Live". I saw the YT introduction, and while I thought it was a good intro (and probably a good book), I tweeted to Angie something like "sure this is easy to say and do if your life is going perfect." She then said I could email her. Which I think I will. But anyway, back to my point. There all these books. CD's, etc on saying on how wonderful God is, and while I KNOW and still LOVE God, I am finding it hard to believe these days. Sure, it is easy to love God, and to say and do all these things when you have money, and/or your life is perfect. Is it easy to say you love God when you only have a few dollars left in the bank? Or when you are living on pasta (thankfully, we aren't there quite yet..lol).  It is easy to write books when your life is perfect, and you have money. It is easy to write books about how God has helped/saved/restored you when/after you have lived through it. It is easy to write books on courting and marriage. AFTER you tie the knot, and are happily married. It is easy to write books on infertility. AFTER you have adopted and had (surprise!) two or three kids of your own. It is easy (ok, easier..I will be sensitive here) to talk publicly about abortion/still birth/the death of a child when you are a national Christian Speaker, and are wanted by everyone and asked to talk at numerous events. Nothing sad like that has happened to me? Can God use someone like me? Jesus, I am SCREAMING at you. Help me! Help us!

I know this is a depressing (but oh so real) post. Back to happy posts tomorrow. Promise :)

Would ya'll like a picture for TT? Sure you would!

Just Gramma and Me. I was probably about 10 or 11 here.