Capture Your Grief Photography Project, Days, 5,6 &7

Hi. I'm April. I used to have a blog:)

Moving on.

I thought I had at least do a few more of these days in the CYGPP. I won't be putting my own photos on every single day, as I don't have one that matches for each day. Besides, it is my project and my blog, and I can do what I want, right?

5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

This really doesn't apply to me (us). Since we had no physical baby; miscarriage, etc, I don't have a box, or photos. I guess I could start a box..would that be too weird? I guess I could have kept some of my pregnancy tests that I took.

6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

I don't have any rituals, either. I do pray every day (I pray anyway), and I try to remind myself on how "lucky" we are that we don't have kids; financial, world events, make us glad that we don't have them. Sometimes. I also try to remind myself on the positive side of not having kids. Spending money on only ourselves, doing whatever I want, when I want. Odd dinners:) I don't have any special dates, either..although as I will talk about later, February is a bit of a sad month.


7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Wow...how long do you have? I find that the grief process is tricky. I will have days and weeks where I am "ok", and other times, I find it so hard!! I don't know if my heart is heavier or lighter. I have wrestled with anger; at God, at others; and am still wrestling with it. I try to come to terms with it, but then something will come alone; a Facebook PG announcement, a holiday (more on that in another post), or a baby shower, and I find that I revert back to where I was before...wherever/whatever that was:( I will have a sad day, then I will be fine again. I get frustrated when moms who have lost babies, and have had other kids since then (or have had others before), they are still talk about their lost babies, that I feel that they don't know how good they have it. They HAVE other kids. I can't have any:( I know the loss of a life can't be replaced, but I just don't understand why they can't enjoy the kids they have.  I hope I am explaining myself properly. Please note, I am not in any way lessening the loss of a child. I hope that it is something that we never experience (although we at least would have something to mourn), but I see from my perspective on how they seem to be constantly mourning the loss of their one child, and not enjoying the ones they have. I know this sounds harsh, and I am sorry if I offend anyone, but that is how I feel right now. I know every grief process is tricky, and everyone's experience with death (of a child, etc) is different, and I can appreciate that. One person can move on after their loss, and another takes years to "get over". Maybe I am wrong. But again, I am seeing things from where I sit. We don't have a grave to go visit, we don't have a birthday to celebrate, we don't have any special memories. No pictures. Very few understand what true infertility is.