First of all, I am very blessed that I am alive, am pretty healthy, and my family is happy and healthy. My sister survived Spain, and is on her way back to Canada this wknd! My lil brother survived his first semester at college, and I am excited because I get to see them soon!
I also should note that I do try to remain grateful at what the Lord is doing in our lives. I can't see it right now, but I know that God is doing SOMETHING in an of us. But like I said in the last post, I am finding it hard to see where He is helping us. I know that we somehow make it from one paychq to the next without going homeless and having things turned off (that being said, our electric was almost cut off the other day..nice). But we sure can have down days, that's for sure. I was going to do a post called TRUST, because I was losing trust in God, and His plans for us. It happened after I lost the job I thought I had. I won't go into specifics, but when I found out that I didn't get the job (and wasted a week of not job searching because I thought I had had it), I was not happy. I was mad. At God. At people. At the job market. At myself. I wish I was a mommy, and not have to work. Even now, when I see good things (miracles) happening to people at this time of year (chk out the WestJet video), I get mad and angry. I just want a few bucks. I don't care about a tv, or some high tech gadget. But I guess if you are rich enough to travel, you can tell Santa your wish, and WJ ppl will go and get it for you. Anyway, the point is that I am just frustrated with life right now. I AM grateful that I don't have to pay on my SL for a few more months, and there are little things in which I am thanking God for. I just sometimes wonder what God has in store for us. One of my statuses the other day was "How can I praise God, and say that He is good when crap things keep happening to us?" Things are a bit better from a couple of wks ago; I am back at work at the store; it is pay day today, among other things. Anker has been having a hard time with all what is going on, too. He has been angry and grumpy. He doesn't go out much, except to work (to be fair, the weather has been gross).
I guess what I am trying to say is (other than venting), is that I just am not sure what God wants (from this part on was written Dec 14) for us. I have been thinking that God only wants us to suffer and to just get by. I don't know if God wants good things for us anymore.
As you know, I frequent a BLM's blog. Although I don't always concur on what she writes about, I can identify with her on some level. She talks about how tired she is of having a dead baby. Well, I am tired of being infertile. I am tired of telling people that we "can't have kids", or that we don't have any, but "I have two nieces and a nephew whom I love.". Some days, I am just done. I deal with BOTH of our emotions, thoughts and feelings. Honestly, I am exhausted. Some days, I want to sleep the day away. But I get up, because I know that it is expected of me. I smile and say hi, and say that I am "great" or even "okay", and go along with what I am doing.
I scream/beg/cry to Jesus on an
I got home from work last night upset and stressed out. I hardly said two words to Anker. I laid on the bed and I started crying. I got paid, but it was a post dated chq.I was hoping that I could use that money to pay some bills. Now, I have to wait until tomorrow, or Monday. Thankfully, I called our Electric company, and they understood, but there are other bills that we are behind on; rent, cable and internet, and our cell phones to pay for. Along with food, and credit card payments. Most people would think that Internet and even the cell phones aren't needs, when in my opinion they are. Internet (although an addiction at times) is a way of reaching out to others. The cell phone we need (although we don't need to roam the internet on it, and we don't need apps, but those are free), as a way to text with family and friends, and of course if our car goes kaput while we are out on the road.
Well, I could go on and on, but I think this is enough complaining for now:)
On to the next part of this post.
Not everything has been depressing, however. I have managed to get to two (free!!) events this month.
The first was our Ladies Bible Study Christmas Party. It was held on Dec 3, and it was a lot of fun!! There were lots of AWESOME YUMMY food, and their was lots of fun and laughter. We played some Christmas games, sang carols, and a lady in our group had a short talk. We each came away with a great gift, and it was a great evening.
Here are some pictures...
After all of the trading and stealing of gifts, this is what I came home with.
The next party I went to was my friend M's bday party, which was last Saturday. (I was going to write about in my WS post, but I never got around to doing one this week). We went to our friends house located a half hour out of the city. I got a ride with my friend, as I hate driving in the dark if I don't have to. It was a fun evening. Again, lots of yummy food (can you tell we like to eat?), fun, laughter and a surprise activity.
Here are some pictures of that evening....
I think that is all my ramblings for/on this post! I hope you all understand that I am grateful, but I am just feeling the Christmas pressure. Oh yah, we also need to buy gifts!
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