Yes, Infertility is a Loss

I have had this in my drafts for 9 months, with no text...so I thought I had better write it or delete it :) I posted this back in September in my IG, and I am going to copy some of this text from there to here...Yes! So much yes!! Infertility is a loss. It bugs me when ppl say that i didn't lose anything by not being able to have babies. This, my friends, is simply not true. When i saw this the other day, i knew i had to post. I had plans. I wanted to get married and have 4 kids. I love kids. I had my life planned out. Sadly, that didn't happen. Several health conditions later, a infertile diagnosis, and life happened. I think it will be a constant grieving process. It will never really go away. Like the loss of a child, it's always there, in the back of your mind. No, it's not as difficult, nor it might not be as sad, but it's all relative. It is the loss of pregnancy tests, announcements, ultrasounds, gender reveals, births, baby showers, dresses, bows, outfits, playing the "name game", feeling loved and fussed over. It is the loss of mommy groups, talks with friends and sisters about babies and kids, nursery duty, dedications of babies, among so many other things. I don't know why Jesus chose this life for us, but it's here. It's who we are (i am) this life we (i) live, and it is painful, sad, and brutal, but it is also having a new plan, learning new things, seeking God in a different way. I trust in Him in a different way now. It can also be beautiful, and lovely. I am loved, i am fussed over; i love on my nieces and nephews, even tho pg and baby related things can be hard at times. I am not a disappointment, a disaster, or a failure. I am enough. You, my infertile friend, are enough! This is the other side of #infertility. The side that no one talks about, no one wants to talk about it. This is what happens when #ivf and #adoption, #donorsperm#donoreggs, and #surrogacy aren't an option.    

Now for the "fresh stuff"; today, my mind and heart are heavy with the weight that we can't have children, and this is all there is. Some people have said to me (and to others); "you must not have wanted a baby bad enough.", and "What about adoption?", like we are going to pick out a dog or a cat from the shelter (though adoption from shelters the last few years feel kind of like adoption a child!). There is a process. A huge process. It is expensive. Even if you adopt through MCFD (BC Family and Social Development), which is basically free (foster to adopt, usually), it is still a process. And now with both Anker and I "older", it is not feasible. Most of the time, I am ok with...(hello, sleep in!), but some days, like today, I just feel sad and lonely. And yes, I grieve the loss of infertility nearly every day.  I feel like I am not good enough. My body can't seem to do what God created it to do...give life. Anker and I are the one 1 in 8 in Canada who are infertile. I call our situation "double infertility", b/c we are both infertile. We also have health problems, which doesn't make having a child (bio or adoption) any easier. I sometimes think that God overlooked/forgot about us, but I know that His plans are better than ours. Life isn't easy, whether you have children or not. Everyone has a hardship in life, at some point in their lives. 

But infertility is most definitely a loss. A loss what could have happened; a loss of milestones, graduations, birthdays, and a million other things. It doesn't help that kids, Mother's Day, milestones, etc are all documented on Social Media. Sometimes, I literally just can't take anymore cuteness on FB/IG, and I have to put my phone away and do something else. Sometimes, the loss is so great, I can hardly stand it...but I know that God is there for us; for me, and life IS going to be ok; even without children!

Also, i totally forgot until after it was over that it was #ciaw2021 a few weeks ago. I was hoping to share something about it, but i didn't know what to say that i already haven't said. Infertility is still this shrouded taboo subject that people won't talk about...but it is getting more mainstream, and that makes me happy!