Yes, Infertility is a Loss

I have had this in my drafts for 9 months, with no text...so I thought I had better write it or delete it :) I posted this back in September in my IG, and I am going to copy some of this text from there to here...Yes! So much yes!! Infertility is a loss. It bugs me when ppl say that i didn't lose anything by not being able to have babies. This, my friends, is simply not true. When i saw this the other day, i knew i had to post. I had plans. I wanted to get married and have 4 kids. I love kids. I had my life planned out. Sadly, that didn't happen. Several health conditions later, a infertile diagnosis, and life happened. I think it will be a constant grieving process. It will never really go away. Like the loss of a child, it's always there, in the back of your mind. No, it's not as difficult, nor it might not be as sad, but it's all relative. It is the loss of pregnancy tests, announcements, ultrasounds, gender reveals, births, baby showers, dresses, bows, outfits, playing the "name game", feeling loved and fussed over. It is the loss of mommy groups, talks with friends and sisters about babies and kids, nursery duty, dedications of babies, among so many other things. I don't know why Jesus chose this life for us, but it's here. It's who we are (i am) this life we (i) live, and it is painful, sad, and brutal, but it is also having a new plan, learning new things, seeking God in a different way. I trust in Him in a different way now. It can also be beautiful, and lovely. I am loved, i am fussed over; i love on my nieces and nephews, even tho pg and baby related things can be hard at times. I am not a disappointment, a disaster, or a failure. I am enough. You, my infertile friend, are enough! This is the other side of #infertility. The side that no one talks about, no one wants to talk about it. This is what happens when #ivf and #adoption, #donorsperm#donoreggs, and #surrogacy aren't an option.    

Now for the "fresh stuff"; today, my mind and heart are heavy with the weight that we can't have children, and this is all there is. Some people have said to me (and to others); "you must not have wanted a baby bad enough.", and "What about adoption?", like we are going to pick out a dog or a cat from the shelter (though adoption from shelters the last few years feel kind of like adoption a child!). There is a process. A huge process. It is expensive. Even if you adopt through MCFD (BC Family and Social Development), which is basically free (foster to adopt, usually), it is still a process. And now with both Anker and I "older", it is not feasible. Most of the time, I am ok with...(hello, sleep in!), but some days, like today, I just feel sad and lonely. And yes, I grieve the loss of infertility nearly every day.  I feel like I am not good enough. My body can't seem to do what God created it to do...give life. Anker and I are the one 1 in 8 in Canada who are infertile. I call our situation "double infertility", b/c we are both infertile. We also have health problems, which doesn't make having a child (bio or adoption) any easier. I sometimes think that God overlooked/forgot about us, but I know that His plans are better than ours. Life isn't easy, whether you have children or not. Everyone has a hardship in life, at some point in their lives. 

But infertility is most definitely a loss. A loss what could have happened; a loss of milestones, graduations, birthdays, and a million other things. It doesn't help that kids, Mother's Day, milestones, etc are all documented on Social Media. Sometimes, I literally just can't take anymore cuteness on FB/IG, and I have to put my phone away and do something else. Sometimes, the loss is so great, I can hardly stand it...but I know that God is there for us; for me, and life IS going to be ok; even without children!

Also, i totally forgot until after it was over that it was #ciaw2021 a few weeks ago. I was hoping to share something about it, but i didn't know what to say that i already haven't said. Infertility is still this shrouded taboo subject that people won't talk about...but it is getting more mainstream, and that makes me happy! 

Spring Has Sprung /SpringDate on Us

 I had the title in my drafts for a couple of months, so I guess I had better write it and post it before it is winter :) 

I can't believe that it is almost SUMMER (officially!). We have had a pretty nice spring so far. I often forget what the weather was like after a day or so, but I know that it has been pretty nice...we are getting some rain today, which is needed.

What's Up with Us:

Nothing! Ha! Anker went to my parents for a few days during their Shearing (shaving the wool off the sheep, and yes, it is done humanely) week. We went out for the weekend, and I left him there on Sunday. I think he will go out there again next month to help out. There is always something for him (or anyone!) to do there. 

We had a semi-family reunion a couple of weeks ago. Since we are all in the boys' circle of care, it was all perfectly legit. Also, I am tired of C0v1d...anyone else? Anyway, we celebrated H's 10th bday, which was a wonderful time. I can't believe H is 10!!! He is a wonderful, kind, funny, and crazy kid! He loves his little brother so much, and loves to "brother" him, which is hilarious! I love spending time with them. They really are hilarious! Both boys talk almost non-stop! Their parents are finishing up their bathroom Reno, and doing lots of yard work. I have been spending a lot of time with them, as that is only place that we are really "allowed" to go (other than outside celebrations).

My church is back to meeting outside. Most churches in BC are doing either "drive in" or "outside" church. I have gone a few times, but I slept in on Sunday, and since they had moved it to 10, I was far to late to go. I should probably listen to it, though.

Mother's Day weekend, we were at my parents' (see above), and I was kind of not looking forward to it (celebrating MD), but in the end, it turned out ok. Anker came to church (he only goes when he is at my parents'), and it was kind of neat that this little village church had their own FM station :) Ha! We still had/have to wear masks. And yes, they did communion. I love how churches are being creative when it comes to communion. Sadly, there is to be no singing, socializing, or sipping (coffee). Hehe :)

I seem to be busy with this that, and other thing. I have been hanging with Adam and Co (my brother)/the boys, going to the library, errands, coffee (outside), hanging with some friends (mostly outside), watching TV/movies, cleaning the house, reading, job searching, going to the ranch, and sleeping!

I have also joined Epicure, and I have been enjoying it so far. I have done two online parties, and I was able to get some fun stuff as rewards :) I have also been thinking about doing social media marketing (IG/FB) for companies. Nothing has come of that yet. I am also still trying to become an Social Media star/influencer. Yah, thing has come from that, either. I have also been looking for work, and or thinking about starting up a business of some kind. God has been faithful with taking care of us, however. And we are very thankful. We have never gone hungry, nor have gone homeless. 

We have also paid off our car :) We are VERY thankful that that is done with. We had a "dayte" the other day. We went to a few stores to look around. I also got our tires changed over to summer tires. I also got a new Primary Health Provider. I have been without a Dr/NP for 18 months, as our last Dr. left his practice. Anker got a new doctor, but she didn't take me on, as I was too young (she was only taking people 55+). I have a nurse practitioner, and he has been great so far!

Anker has been up and down. He does well for a bit, then he has a few bad days or a week, then he is good for awhile. Right now, he has been suffering from when I accidentally elbowed him in my sleep. I almost took in him to the hospital on Sunday, but he did feel better when he took pain meds, so I made him an appointment with the Walk in (call in) clinic, and of course, he was feeling better by the time he talked with the Dr! He is feeling better today, so that is good! He is growing a small garden this year. He definitely not as into gardening this year as he has been the last few years. We did go and spend a few days at the ranch in January together, and we stayed in my parents' cabin, which was lovely.

There are more things that I could say here, but I think it would just bore you, and now I have forgotten about what they were! Oh yah...This is Us' 4th season will be its last season. I am not sad about it, as I was going to stop watching it, anyway. I will probably finish it off, as it only has one season left. I will start watching series' (like THE CROWN), and then I will just stop watching it. FRIENDS is having a reunion, and I wish I could say I will be there for it, but I don't think we will get HBO MAX! I hope to find it SOMEWHERE online. I am glad that most of my shows are done after this week. I watch A LOT of tv :) I watch shows on Food Network, HGTV, and of course, my Hallmark movies! I think Grey's should just end after this season....it is like pounding a dead horse (IHMO), though I WILL say that the last few episodes have been good...so maybe Shonda and her writers have been given some fresh new ideas?

I have a little less than 500 groups on FB, and I changed some of them so that I receive ALL notifications. Yah, that was a mistake...lol :) Now I am getting notifications every second :) Ha! I am trying to read real books. I still seem to be only reading magazines, and even THAT has been slow! I haven't journaled in months. 

I also got a long over due hair cut earlier this month. I needed it HORRIBLY! I still wear my hair up, but least there is less of it now, and it is less damaged. Did I say that my friend gave me a FREE hair cut?