I don't want to be Me

I just came from a blog that I frequent, and I came away from it a bit ticked. I wil try to not be super rude, but honestly, nearly every time I read it, I get upset. I love this person. We were friends on FB. I have followed her and and her daughters' life since I started reading, but honestly?? It just makes me a bit sad everytime I read it.

She lost her daughter to anecephaly nearly 3 yrs ago, and she is trying to not forget her. I get it. I do. But she also has 4 other kids, and is pregnant again. I know she loves her kids. SHe is a great momma. I just wish she would enjoy her kids. She keeps referring to her daughter in nearly every post, like she is still there. I guess I would do that, if I were in her shoes, and everyone mourns differently, so, I shouldn't judge. She mentioned that she "Didn't want to be me". She doesn't like it when no one asks about her, b/c they know that they will be really talked to about her daughter. She doesn't like bringing her daughter up in convos, b/c she knows that people feel uncomfortable talking her about her. There is more I could say, but I will refrain:)

Well, guess what?I don't want to me be sometimes, either.

I hate that we can't have kids. I hate that I have to go to school, b/c we need more income, and that if I don't go and get some more education, I will feel trapped in my sad, childless life. No one (well, very few) wants to talk, I mean, really talk about infertility. I have stopped talking to people (my friends) about it, b/c everyone feels uncomfortable talking about it. Just because I haven't lost a baby, it doesn't mean I don't feel loss. I think in some ways, it hurts more, b/c I never got to know what it is like to be pregnant,to have a baby move inside you, to feel like the Queen, because you are pregnant, and the world should stop because you are (pregnant).

Don't get me wrong. I love my life (at times). I do:) I love that I can wake up when I want (most of the time), go whenever, wherever I want. I love that we can have popcorn for supper (or no supper at all). I love that we can have s@x and not worry about little ones running around. I could name a 100 more things. Last night (or the night before) we were talking about kids, and I was telling hubby that I was a bit mad at God because "he allowed me to get sick", therefore, not allowing me to have kids. Hubby said something that I thought was very wise. He said that God knew what was best. I didn't like his answer, but I knew deep down, that hubby was right. God DID know...HE knew that my body wouldnt take having a baby (probably even before I got sick), HE knew that we would be having financial struggles, and only being able to live in a small one bed room apartment. He knew that although my hubby is a great person, that he may not make the best father (actually, I don't know if I would make the best mom either) in part due to his disability. God just knew! But still, it makes me sad.

I know God has a plan for us. I just do not know what that entails yet.