My Thoughts on Mother's Day

Hello...And Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there..especially to my MOMMY!! She has been an amazing mom...always there when I need her....loves to talk to me...pretty much about everything....just amazing. I feel so blessed that we have always gotten along...of course, there are the odd tiffs, but they always blow over quickly. She was there for me during my stay in the hospital last year...nearly every day for a month. She is one of my biggest cheer-ers!!

Well, I am about to leave go to away for the weekend..I will tell you more about it when I return. I am looking forward to it, that's for sure.

I must say, though..that this year..probably more than any other year, Mother's Day will be a bit more sad:( A more of a longing in my heart.....I have pretty much come to the conclusion that unless the Lord decides otherwise, we will not be having a baby. Of course, like I said, it's not iron-clad. But I think I have pretty much "made peace" with not having a baby. There are a few decisions, but mainly, my health. Although the pari-natologists said cautiously that I would be ok during a pregnancy, they also said (from what I remember) that there is a chance (about 25%) that my body wouldn't hold up during this time. My heart, and my lungs are the main problem, but also my blood-clotting issue is another problem. Also, I have the CF-carrier) Cystic Fibrosis), and IF Anker has that same gene as well (he still needs to be tested), the chances of our having a baby w/ CF can be up to 25%. That really doesn't seem like a lot, but I was talking w/ one of the doctors at the metabolic clinic back in April, and she said (referring to the 25% chance of my not making it through a PG), that 25% is actually a high percentage. She said that they won't even operate on someone who's chances of dying during surgery are 10%. That was a sobering fact, for sure. There are a few other factors, too..but those are the main ones. (FYI..my PCOS [in my opinion] isn't much of an issue..you can just get clomid to fix that...although you CAN have twins...that would pretty much be the death of me physically). Adoption is probably not an option for us..I think I have stated this before. Finances, and even if we were to adopt through BC, you don't know what kind of child you are going to get, and I don't think we can take on a child w/ special needs.

SOOO.....all that being said..this Mother's Day will be a bit sad...I know, I know..being a mother is not everything..wasn't that said by a mother?? LOL There are certainly times during my life when I am happy that we don't have kids..I can do what I want, when I want..I can buy stuff (not that I buy a lot anyway) for myself..and be a bit selfish...just jump in the car and go out (or on a trip-not that we do a lot of that, anyway). We only have ourselves to worry about....but there are times when I am really sad that we don't have kids. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother..that is the only thing that I have wanted to be (oh, and a wife, too!). I haven't really wanted to get a big career..I mean..I guess I have...but I haven't worked towards it.

I don't really have a satisfying job..it's good money, and it does get me out...and that is good...but honestly? The job isn't a career. I don't do a lot of volunteering in the community...and I really don't have a big social life. I DO help out w/ Sunday School and the nursery, so that is really fun. I just want to have something (or DO something) that is fulfilling. I am thinking of taking an ECE course. Not to work in Daycare, but I would love to teach pre-school:) Or, eventually, maybe be a co-ordinator or something to do w/ Daycare. We'll see. It's a two year and expensive course.

I sometimes get angry that I got sick last year, causing me not to probably have kids...I wonder why God allowed that....I wonder why I am not blessed w/ my own babies. I am sad that I won't get to hear a child call me "mama". I think I would make a good (although slightly neurotic) mom!! I would love see my parents become Grandparents:) I would love to be connected my mom even more through babies!! I have to give EVERYTHING..my plans, my health...to GOD!!! HE KNOWS what I (we) need!!! Part of me is excited about what God has in store for me (us)!!

However...all of that aside...I am feeling that God is preparing me for something...I don't know what it is..maybe I am wrong....maybe it's not FOR ME..but maybe it's for someone else in my life...I am drawn to Baby Loss Mama's blogs, and adoption blogs....I love reading those sad and happy (respectively) stories. Just some thoughts.....

I just wanted to quickly update you on our week...we got our car back..$900 to fix it..nice!! I hope that that is it for awhile..although Anker says that there are a few things left to be done, but we can do them one thing at a time. Good thing I have a job!! I must say that I was VERY grateful for my job during this time!! Sunday, Anker and I went to the park downtown (I love it..others sometimes don't...it's a good park to me!) and we hung out for a bit...just chatted, and read a book that we have been trying to read for a couple of years...such a beautiful sunny day...and we also went for ice cream!! Yogurt for me!!) Monday we both voted, and then we went to do my walking test w/ the oxymeter...and things look GOOD!! So, I don't know why the numbers went down so low last time. I am not doing much excersising, though..I see my Dr. next Tuesday to see the results, and to discuss some other stuff. Tuesday, I cleaned part of the bathroom, and Anker and I ran a couple of errands...I had to run to the grocery store for something for supper. We 4 girls at work each have our day of cooking supper. We love it, and it beats going to DQ every night. I DO miss eating w/ Anker every night..we hardly ever eat together anymore. Maybe once or twice a week..usually on the weekends. Wednesday, I spent some time in the park. It was such a lovely day! I love spending time there...just reading, or whatever. The rest of the week has been pretty quiet....

Looking forward to this wknd...and to what God has for me!

Have a wonderful Mother's Day Weekend!!!