Living with a Spouse who has a Chronic Illness/Feeling Overwhelmed

******Disclaimer***** The next few posts are going to be a bit long, sad, real, and depressing...if you are looking for a blog post on Christmas, decorating, baking, and a place where fun, shiny, happy perfect families exist, this is not the place; please move on, and find another blog. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Not gonna lie. These past few weeks have been hard. On so many levels. I won't discuss them all here. Because frankly, not everything about our life needs to be aired for all the world to see. I think I am pretty open, but I don't like to share everything on here. It's not fair to my husband, myself and to my family, and trust me..not fair to you either!

But I will tell you that these last few weeks have been hard. In so many ways. Having a hubby with a chronic illness means that I do a lot of things myself. I deal with car, I do all the errands (ok, I do most of the errands), I buy most of the groceries (although we did go out a week or so ago, and get some together), and of course, I go pretty much everywhere alone. Again, we did go the HG MJ PT1 the other day, which was nice, but this happens VERY rarely!

Honestly, I am so freaking tired. I am doing of dealing with a crap car, tired of doing most everything on my own. I am tired. And done.

***edited/added on Tuesday, Dec 9/14***

Well, I didn't finish complaining the other day, and you know, I just have to finish...lol.

So, where was I? Oh yes...living with a spouse who has a chronic illness on how done I was/felt.

Another thing that really upsets me is that I feel that people don't understand. I think they think that he is faking it. Yes, he probably could push himself more, but honestly, he is IN PAIN! What he has is a real disease (I was going to do a post on what he has, and I still might, but for now, just Google PBC).  It isn't made up. We didn't decide to combine two words and make it a disease. It is a real one. Thankfully (or not) our GP is actually really good at (sort of) diagnosing it, b/c he has three patients with it. There are also other symptoms that go along with PBC; one of them is Raynauds Phenomenon. Basically, he get cold fast. Like, real fast. So he really can't do anything outside for more than a few minutes. Not a lot of people get that. So now, I am trying to deal with every day stuff on my own, AND try to defend my husband to our family and friends. To say I am overwhelmed right now (just in that part of our life ALONE) is a bit of an understatement.

To put it bluntly, I am done. Fed up. Sick and tired. I have my own stuff to deal with. I have work, my own (which seems to be taking a back seat at the moment), a house, and now Christmas to deal with. I didn't even want to put up a tree this year, but we did (we just finished it today..after a week of decorating it, etc). Thankfully, we aren't doing pressies this year. I think we may just buy an electric blanket for ourselves. I don't even want to be around people right now. I went out tonight (more about that in another post), and it was great, but I wasn't really in the mood. I am not having a lot of shifts right now, and even though it sucks money-wise, I am kind of glad, b/c I just need some downtime. Time to take for myself, and to get the house ready for Christmas.

But I am digressing...I guess what I am trying to say is that I am just all worn out. I feel overwhelmed...I don't feel like the good or perfect wife. I haven't gotten caught up on my library magazines, and movies (I had to take the movies back), and I have tons of movies on our PVR (Christmas and otherwise), that are still unwatched. I/we DID spend time catching up on our regular weekly shows the other day. I still have a few more shows to be watched. I haven't read a book in months. I spend A LOT of time on the computer, playing my game, and looking on YT, looking at blogs, etc, so some of the reasons that I haven't done that above said things is that I have been on my laptop WAY TOO much!

But there are other reasons; errands, cleaning, outings (both by-myself coffee dates, and visiting friends, and of course hubby's and my dates), keeping our house clean, and of course, work, and keeping up with family and friends, and whatever else comes our way.

I could go on and on, but I am just being repetitive, and it wouldn't be constructive. So, I am just going to say that frankly, I am just plain burnt and worn out. I hope 2015 will be better ALL around!

When I started this, hubby was having a particularly rough day...this week, he is doing much better. He and I went to the storage to organize some stuff, and he did help me finish the tree (actually we really did do the tree together), and he is busy with the play this week that is this weekend, and he has been doing stuff around the house, so that is VERY helpful!!! Oh yes, and helped a friend LATE last night to put up a light that we found out didn't work. And that was AFTER being at a drama rehearsal..which was after a long day! So, I am very proud of him!! I hope to do some baking tomorrow.

Nothing Tangible

******Disclaimer***** The next few posts are going to be a bit long, sad, real, and depressing...if you are looking for a blog post on Christmas, decorating, baking, and a place where fun, shiny, happy perfect family exists, this is not the place; please move on, and find another blog. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Being infertile sucks on so many levels. One of those levels is that there is nothing tangible to remember your journey, document your loss (yes, we have lost something). just a lot of hurt, anger, sadness, and depression. I have a friend who I have spoken about on here before who lost her daughter 4 years ago due to anencephaly. She celebrates her birthday every year (I am sorry, but I find this a bit creepy and just a little sad), has a race in her honour (awesome idea), a baby shower for an unwed mother (still on the fence with this one), gets to visit her grave (too big of a stone, in my opinion), is able to make shadowboxes (amazing idea), among other things. I don't get to do ANY of those things. That makes me sad, and a little angry.

I have nothing tangible to remember/document our journey. Not that we have much a journey to document. But I guess what makes me upset is that very few people "get it". They think that because that we haven't lost anything, I shouldn't feel or do anything. In a couple of infertility groups, this year and in past years, we have done card/gift exchanges. It is a fun thing to do. We also have done sock exchanges, which are fun too. That is fun to do with/for others, but I am wondering what a person can do for themselves to remember?

I guess one could send gift cards to their local hospital, pro-life/pregnancy care centre, but in my opinion, it is just condoning having babies before marriage (or at least not being in a relationship)..we could send gift cards (cheaper) to each other in the groups...I have also thought about having a walk or something to bring attention to infertility. There ARE things to do, but they take so much work! Ha! I also just thought about starting a fund for people that/who are trying to get pregnant/adopt...but that still doesn't do ME anything. It doesn't help my situation. 

Well, this has taken me a few hours to write..partly b/c I am doing Facebook stuff...and also partly b/c I don't really know what I am talking about! Ha!

Anyway...back to this post....I guess what I am trying to say is.....if you're an infertile couple what (if any) have you done or made to make and remember of your journey? Do you feel that's it important to you to do that? Perhaps it was an ultrasound during your TTC time. Or negative pregnancy tests. Or any lab result. Do you keep them in a box? File? 

The other thing that kind of gets to me is that people have/can send stuff to people who have lost their baby; for Christmas, birthdays, etc. That doesn't happen to me. And why should it? Nothing to really get, since I have no one to remember. No one sends us gifts, cards, gift cards, etc. No ornaments to remember our children. 

I also feel like what we have gone through isn't real. Like we are to forget about it, cause well, what is there to remember?

I am sorry if this is a bit discombobulated...I have the words and thoughts in my head, they are just not coming out the way I want them to...sigh.

Christmas 2014 Bucket List

I personally think that seasonal bucket lists are kind of silly, but it seems to be all the rage in the blogging world, I thought I would join in. You know, to make myself look cool.

As I was going through them, I realised that I do most of these at one time or another every Christmas season, which kind of made me feel good. Ha!

Anyway...here they are...


1. Walk Downtown, at night, while the snow is falling.
2. Sleep by the tree with its lights on (you can interpret that how you wish..lol).
3. Make a Gingerbread house with hubby (we usually do this every year).
4. Baking (either with someone or by myself). I have actually done this already. Yay!
5. Bake Christmas cookies for our neighbours (I have done this the last couple of years...not sure if I will do this this year though..)
6. Read Christmas magazines (or a Christmas novel) while drinking some Christmas bevvy, in front of the tree, while listening to Christmas music (Bonus if it's snowing!). 
7. Watch Christmas movies with hubby (I have already watched a couple of Christmas movies this season).
8. Make (and drink!) either homemade apple cider or some mulled beverage. (I already drank homemade cider..while baking! Yummy!)
9. Christmas Carol (I actually don't do this..but hey, you never know!)
10. Go to a store (Wal-Mart, Superstore, etc) at 2 or 3 in the morning (while they are open 24 hours).
11. Take a walk in the snow while the snow is falling.
12. Do a Christmas Bible Reading Plan (am doing this now).
13. Attend a indoor Christmas Event (Play, musical, theatre, Christmas party, etc)
14. Attend an outdoor Christmas Event (Santa Parade, Holiday train, Christmas tree lighting, Christmas Community event...ie...Basics for Babies...Gift Fundraiser, etc).
15. Watch a Christmas special (not movie). Bonus if it's live.
16. Help Serve the Hungry (Salvation Army, etc)
17. Go to a Christmas Eve (or Day) Service (or Mass, etc).
18. Go Ice Skating.
19. Sip hot cocoa/hot chocolate in front of a real fire (bonus if it's outside!).
20. Go shopping with Mom at night at our local (new!) grocery store around Christmas time.
2.5 Go and check out the lights (on houses) around time.

Things to do with H:

1. Build a Snowman.
2. Bake.
3. Watch a Christmas movie.
4. Do a Christmas craft.
5. Go to a Christmas event (not sure if this will happen, but you never know)
6. Read a Christmas story together.

Well, I clearly won't be do ALL of these, but these are the few that I thought of that would be fun today over the CHRISTMAS season.

Monday Morning Gossip/Weekend Wrap UP

Joining up with Leeann at Join The Gossip, for Monday Morning Gossip! This is also where/when I talk about my weekend, whether you like it or not! Ha!

So, here goes....

Like I said, Friday, I spent a few hours with H and my brother, and a while later my SIL. We wandered around, found a coat, and ate fries. Fun times. I ran a few errands...I got a few things out of our storage to take to mom and dad, who are storing some of our stuff, so we could get rid of our storage. I then went shopping and found not only one coat, but two coats for $21! I came home and and made spaghetti for supper, then relaxed.

                                                    Spaghetti by candlelight. Beautiful.


We watched TV, and then my friend called around 9 to see if I wanted to come over. We hung out in the evening, and watched "A Christmas Story".  Love that movie. Came home around 12:30 or, and Facebooked, and watched TV for a bit, and finally went to bed around 1 am.

Saturday, I missed a call from work (oops!), which I felt bad about, but by the time I called them back, it was too late. I relaxed for most of the day. I went to Starbucks at around noon, cause I didn't do my "Friday Routine" on Friday. Amy @ The Farmer's Wife gave me the idea to do this:

 This was actually last weeks People mag, but I hadn't had time to fully read it yet. And when I saw this on another blog (Reese and a People Mag), I totally wanted to do that...well, mainly just have the chocolate bar. Ha!

                                        Salted Caramel Mocha and Magazines=Pure Bliss!

Sunday, I went to church, and then my friends took me out to lunch to Milestones, where I had this:

That's right, folks...and I ate almost all of it. It's called the "Knife and Fork French Toast". Yum!

I went to meet my friend for coffee, at, where else, Starbucks. I had my Eggnog Latte...it's always a hit with me. Actually, it wasn't as sweet as it normally was, and I didn't even ask for it half-sweet, so I guess that's good.

I ran a couple of errands on the way home, and then sat on our bed, and watched 3.5 movies, and FB'd, Blogged, etc. Loved it. Oh, and hubby watched the Grey Cup, where the Stamps won.

So that was our weekend. Not overly exciting, but it was a good one!

Five on Friday/Weekly Update

Hello, Friends! I hope u had a great wknd. My/our wknd was pretty sweet. Nothing too exciting, but not too boring, either, which is good. But I will update you on my wknd tomorrow.

My week went pretty well. We are struggling in a few areas a bit, but God is good, and I am thankful to have lots of family and friends I/we can rely on.

It seems that this week was a busy one. I was always going somewhere or doing something.  I worked a night shift Monday night, which was good. I don't normally like doing them, but this one actually went pretty well.

Here are a few of my highlights of my week:

1. Date Nights

Monday, hubby and I had our flu shots together. I know. Fun times. We then ran to the dollar store, to grab a few things. I then went home to take a nap, since I found out at 10 that morning that I had to work. I managed to sleep a few hours. We then grabbed supper at McDonald's before we went to see Mocking Jay, Part 1. I already had bought the tickets the day before, so we really couldn't get out of NOT going (I guess I could have try to sell them on one of our FB selling groups, but Anker did really want to go), so off we went. It was a good movie, actually, and even though I lost sleep by going, I am glad that we got to spend some time together.

2. Christmas Parties!

On Tuesday night, our ladies Bible study at church had our Christmas party. I already have posted pictures, but I thought I would mention it anyway, b/c it was one of my highlights. We had a lovely time. Lots of fun food, fellowship, and gifts. Due to the weather, only 15 people came, but it was still a great time.

                                                                        The food!!

                        The tree with the gifts. We were each told to buy a gift worth $15

                                                          I loved their centrepieces

                                                  All of us singing some carols.

3. SNOW DAYS.

Ok, I really don't like it when a big dump of snow hits, but it was pretty to look at.  I also conquered my fear of driving in the snow. I HATE winter driving, especially at night. So, every time I do drive, and I don't get into some sort of accident, I kind of feel like a rock star!

4. Baking Afternoons.

I spent Wednesday afternoon (after the big dump of snow) making cookies. We had such a fun time. We made two batches, whipped shortbread, and raspberry (plum) thumb print cookies. Yummy.

5. Spending time with H

I got to spend time with H two times this week. Wednesday afternoon, while we baked, and Friday, morning, I met him and Adam at the mall. We had a fun time. I helped him find a coat, and we shared some fries. Fun times.

5.1 Black Friday Sales

Even though we don't have Thanksgiving in November, Canada has taken to having Black Fridays the last few years. I personally think it's a bit ridiculous, but I guess if you really need something, then I guess that is a good time to get it. I got two coats at a local thrift store for $21! I did take pictures, but they didn't turn out well, so I will have hubby take some more again.

5.2 Getting things Done.

I spent a couple of days this week cleaning and getting rid of stuff...and I also went to our storage shed to try to clean most of it out. It sure feels good to throw stuff/give stuff away. Even hubby cleaned up in and around his computer, and around all our plants.  I also watched The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I actually found it a bit boring this year. I have watched it every year for the last few years..mostly b/c I want to see Santa at the end..and b/c I am 1/4 American.

Just a bit more on my week...Thursday night, my friend K and I went out to the Light in the Night Christmas tree event in town. The stores were open late, free hot chocolate, extra stuff going on, and they lit up the tree in the square. We were planning on going for a couple of hours, but her dog didn't really enjoy all the attention, so we just went into a couple of shops, and then went to London Drugs, and then grabbed some supper. I went up to her place after to help her dye her hair. It was a fun evening. Like I said, I spent a lot of time on Thursday cleaning up our place. I have two bags to give away, and probably more that I SHOULD give away...I also gave away a bag already. We also put up our Christmas tree yesterday...well, "up" is all it is...with a few lights that somehow got left on it from last year. But hey, it's up! Anker and I also put up the lights outside.

 The centre of our balcony. The middle tree is what Anker brought to our marriage. It's butt-ugly, but I insist we put it up every year. AND IT STILL WORKS!

                                             The left side (looking out) of our balcony.

                                                     The right side of our balcony.

                 We bought this tree a week or so ago from our neighbour. We love it!

I think that pretty much covers the week that I do wish to share (that you all wouldn't find boring).

Here is a couple of pictures from our Thursday evening stroll downtown.

                                                                  I loved their tree.

 One of the shops we went into had a model train set, and some of the toys were inspired by/from "A Christmas Story".

Hope you all had a great week/end!

Linking up with Darci, April, Christina and Natasha

Well, it is now 9:24 pm..hours from when I started this, which is weird, since FoF posts usually don't take very long. I am on my 4th TV movie (2nd Christmas one), though I don't think I started this post when I started my first movie (at 4pm). But, it has still taken me awhile.

Phone Photo Dump

Well, it's not so much of a phone dump, as a post-photos-to-Facebook-then-save-them-to-my-laptop-dump. But you get the picture.

On November 11, my friend and I took a drive to a small community 20 minutes away. She is a property manager, and she had to check on a few houses, so she asked if I wanted to come with her (I think I actually asked her, but same difference).

Here are some pictures from that day...

                                                      The day was gorgeous!

 

                               The view of Kamloops Lake from inside one of the properties.

                                                                  Another view.

Afterwards, we went for a bite to eat. I really wanted to try the Holiday Turkey Sandwich at Starbucks. I was a bit disappointed, mainly b/c it was so dry, but it was still good.

Last Saturday, I spent time re-arranging our room, and also did I bit of Christmas decorating.

 I actually have had this display up all yea;; but I have just started turning the lights on. I also changed up a few things.

 I bought this homemade wreath at a school craft fair last week, and since we already have a wreath on the (inside) of our door, and it has lights with it, we (or rather I) decided to put in our room. Loved the results.

                                         The side view of our Christmas display (the top part.

A picture of the full display. I know, I am no Martha Stewart, but hey, it works for us.

On Tuesday, our church's Ladies Bible Study had our Christmas Party.  Only 15 came, which was a bit disappointing, but it was still a great time anyway.

                                                      Some of the pretty decorations.

I have more pictures on my camera that I still have to upload to my computer.

We also had a light dusting of snow the other day.

On Wednesday, we got our first BIG DUMP of snow of the season. Oh goody. It started out as freezing rain on my way home from our Christmas party. When my friend/neighbour told me that it had snowed 8", I thought she was exaggerating, but when I stepped outside..I knew she hadn't exaggerating one bit.

              This was actually taken later that night.The snow had still not melted off the trees.

                                                          Our railing at a lot of snow!

                                                        At least it was pretty.

This is looking out from our balcony to the complex below. Yup. It snowed, alright!

Well, those are the photos from my phone! I do have a few more pictures, but those will be going alone with my FoF post.

Last Week/end's Update

Happy Friday, Friends. And a belated Thanksgiving to all my American friends, wherever you live. I hope it was wonderful.

The last couple of weeks (including wknds) have been busy, and productive, which makes me feel very happy.

I won't do an update on last week, but her are some of the highlights.

Went to a work meeting, then a budgeting seminar at Anker's support group's association. I worked last Thursday, and last Friday, went for my chiro appt, and rand a few errands, and then had a sushi date with my friend. We went to Arigato Sushi again, and it was delish! (FYI...there are two sushi restaurants by the same name in this town, but COMPLETELY different - different owners, etc))

I can't even remember what it was....but it was so good! I also had the prawn tempura, but I forgot to take a picture of that. Also very good!

I ended up grabbing a Starbucks, and meeting a friend at a local craft fair, where I bought a few things..(pictures to come in another post). Went back to her house (we live in the same building), for wine, and another friend joined us. We "helped" her decorate her tree. And when I say helped, I mean, we sat and played on our phones, chatting, and drank wine while she decorated :)

The result was amazing :)

 She actually had three trees, which were totally awesome!!

Saturday, I went to sit down to have some coffee and relax, when my SIL called and asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee. We met a local coffee house, and of course, H was there. We had a nice visit, and I stayed to journal. I spent Saturday evening cleaning and organizing our bedroom, which took 6 hours. No kidding. It was a very productive time, and I muchly needed. I also did a bit of decorating in our room, too, which was nice. Again, more pictures in another post.

Sunday, Anker wasn't feeling well, so I went to church alone. I totally forgot that there was a fundraiser lunch after church, so I stayed for that. Soup and buns/wiches, and cookies for dessert. Yum! I picked up hubby, as he was helping with the props for the play, and he had to be back at the church for 2. I went to meet up with a friend that wanted to buy a few things off me that I was selling, and then back home to pick up a few things, then it was off to my friends to babysit her kids (super easy), and their friends (also super easy) 3 kids. So, 5 kids and a box dog. It was a fun afternoon/even and some of the easiest money that I have ever earned. I got home around 1 am Monday! Thankfully, we are very close to each other, which helps

I will write about this week in another post :) Have a great weekend!